Oblivion
by freddie-4884
Summary: Sara makes a final decision. How will Cath react to it?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Sara finally makes a decision about her life. Contains self harm and suicide. Rating M, just to be safe. Thanks to Sofrost for the beta. I wouldn't have such a great story without your help.**

Oblivion

Her blood falls to the floor with a steady drip, drip, drip as it slowly weeps from the wound on her arm that's drooped lifelessly over the edge of the make shift bed. The pool of blood that collects at the edge of her bed looks deep and sticky. The stench of the blood clogs the humid air inside the railway arch with a bitter sweet smell of iron. Somehow it almost over powers the stench of garbage and excrement that clings the air inside the railway arches.

The light in here is so poor that I have to use my torch to pick my way across to the abandoned mattress the girl is laying on. The girl looks to be in her mid-20's. I don't think that she's been living rough very long, she looks too well kept. Maybe she's a runaway. She's wearing dark jeans and a loose fitting t-shirt, dressed for the unusually warm weather. Her long brown hair is spread out over a make shift pillow.

On closer inspection I can see that she has been using a rucksack as a pillow. I move around to the top of the mattress I see there is a photo album sticking out of the top. I almost reach out for the album when my torch light falls on the young girls face. There are dark circles under her eyes and her lips are tinged blue. She looks peaceful, laying here amongst the squalor and poverty. It's almost like she's just hidden away from the harsh sun light and fallen asleep. Even though I know it won't happen, part of me expects her to wake up and wonder what we are all doing here looking at her. As I observe her I wonder what was going through her mind as she pressed down on the blade and drew it across her wrist. Was her life that unbearable? Did anyone care that this young life was lost forever? Would anyone mourn her? Would she be missed?

You see as strange as it may seem, I know. I know what it's like to wake up every morning and pretend that everything's okay. I know what it's like to be in a room full of people and still feel so lonely. I know what it's like to reach out to people only to be stung so many times that it's easier to stop trying. I know what it's like to hurt so deeply that it feels like the wounds will never heal.

I've tried it a few time myself, you know. I tried to end it all, nothing so bloody though. After a particularly rough day at work I tried to jump off a bridge. I had been working in the lab at San Francisco and had caught a really rough case. A little boy's family had been torn apart by a violent father. It was just too close to home, watching him being taken away by social service and his mother being lead away in cuffs by the local PD. It had brought back far too many bad memories for me, my father telling me how useless I was or how I wouldn't amount to much. On my way back home I found myself staring over the barrier of the bridge down into the waters below. My mind still running over the past, memories still fresh in my head as if they only occurred yesterday. Suddenly my mind was made up and I was standing on the barrier then falling into the waters below. Just my luck that a sewage barge was passing underneath at the time.

After I had recovered I went back to work, luckily I received a call that I thought would help me forget my past and live my life. I had been part of the team for two years when I tried again, this time I took some pills followed with vodka chasers. Once again it was a tough case, followed by a complete dressing down by the one person who had come to mean more to me than anything else. But my luck again, that failed too. I woke up next day with a thumping head ache and my mouth as dry as the bottom of a bird cage.

I tried to hang myself a short time later but I was found. It seemed to me that no matter where I was someone would always find me. I kind of pity these people, the poor saps who think that they are doing me a good turn by saving me. They are wasting their time saving me. I know deep in my heart that I am a lost cause. If there was only a way to show them that I wasn't worth saving that I **am** useless and unworthy. If only they could see the real me. The one who is a constant mess, the one who needs control every aspect of her life. If they could see what I see when I look in the mirror then they would let me be. No one would be in such a rush to help me if they knew of the demons that plague my every moment. The only thing I need saving from is myself. You see, I have a me problem. I know that I am beyond help. I always want what I can't have.

That's why I fell in love with her. From the very first moment I saw her I knew that she was going to be someone special in my life. But her first words to me seemed to set our lives in motion. I could understand her reluctance to accept me, I was there to investigate the death of a young rookie who was left at the scene by one of her friends.

Even though she was horrible to me I was still attracted to her. She had a confidence about her that I have always admired. As time went on I realised that I was falling in love with her. Her hair always reminds me of the rays from the sun. It always looks so soft that I have to restrain from myself from running my fingers through it or burying my face in her hair. I love her eyes. Especially when she smiles. They seem to light up from the inside. Sometimes I watch her when she I think she won't catch me. When she solves something that's really bothering her about a case they sparkle like the stars in a cloudless sky. When I stand next to her I can smell honeysuckle.

I often wonder if she smells that good all over. Once when we were working a case together I accidentally brush my hand down her arm. From then one I often wondered if the rest of her skin was as smooth and soft as the sun kissed skin on her arm. When she's sat at her desk writing up a report she will occasionally draw her full bottom lip into her mouth and nibble on it lightly. I have to admit that I have wondered when her lips would feel like pressed against mine. I love to watch her walk. Her lithe figure shows that she still has the suppleness and grace that she had in her days as a dancer. I find myself wondering, as I watch the gentle sway of her hips, if she's still as supple.

I hate whenever she has a date with one of her boy toys. You know that it went well the next day. Her beautiful full lips are always curled up into a smile. I wish that I could be the one to put the smile on her face. Even though it cuts deep inside that I'm not the one to make her smile, what hurts the most is when she's unhappy. I hate to see her beauty marred with sadness. I wish that I could take that pain away from her and never let her hurt again.

That's the way I've always been, wanting what I can't have. That's where the 'me problem' comes in. From the second that I wake up in hospital, with the doctors and nurses giving me pitying looks, I'm planning my next try. I always fail, but this time I'll be successful. No more pitying looks from people. No more pain from watching her not notice me. The young girl laying there has filled me with the determination I needed. Tonight I will find what I have been seeking for years. Tonight I will get my oblivion.

Some people use suicide as a cry for help. A final last ditch, desperate plea to the cruel, unforgiving world for help. But for other people, people like me who have tried to survive in it. It's an end to the pain and confusion that encompasses us every day. I wonder if it was like that for the girl. A wasted plea for help or finally an end to the misery that has plagued her life. I can see, that just like me, she has old scars and fresh cuts on her arms. I bet that if I was to look closer at the rest of her body I'd find more of the same. There's an unspoken rule for cutters, one that's learned very early on, if it can be covered it can be cut.

If I could see her closet I bet it would be full of long sleeved tops and trousers. That would be her 'uniform' regardless of the weather. I wear the same kind of 'uniform.' The cutters 'uniform.' To hide my shame at being caught out by someone who doesn't understand the temporary relief that I get from letting some of the negative feelings out. It hurts to see this girl. I think in a way, I'm jealous of her. She's so young but she's managed to succeed where I've failed so many times.

This girl has what I've chased for so long, oblivion. She has her oblivion and I have my pain. Pain that'll never leave me or let up. Pain that's constant. Yup, she's lucky. She'd have passed out before death had finally claimed her. The bitter cold that seeps into a body would have been un-noticed by the girl. She'd have fallen asleep before her body started to convulse because of the amount of blood she'd have lost.

As I turn to leave, I take one last look at the girl while I reach for my radio. I place a quick call to dispatch to send an other investigator out so the girl can finally be moved to a safer place where she won't be pratcially devoured by the vermin that run amok unseen. Unseen like the girl perhaps? As I exit the building I silently apologise to the girl for intruding. When I move outside I can see an officer looking at me questioningly at me from the corner of my eye. I stalk past him and resolutely refuse to look him in the eye.

When I place my kit in the back of my SUV I take out my cell phone and dial the one number that I know off by heart. The phone rings out a few times and I start to feel nervous. Secretly I hope that she won't pick up. For once luck was on my side, the answering service kicked in. After briefly hearing her wonderful voice telling me to leave my name, number and a short message and that she'd get back to me I heard the beep.

"Hi, it's Sara. I'm sorry to do it like this, but I want to say goodbye. I just can't take it anymore. I can't live in a world like this anymore and be without you. We see so much horror and ugliness day after day and I know that I, personally, go home after each case leaving a little bit of myself behind with each victim. I know that if I had you I'd be able to regroup myself better. But I don't. I can't carry on watching you date men who can't appreciate how truly wonderful you are. Who don't realise the magic that lies behind one of your dazzling smiles, or who won't see that you are more than just a body, you have the most analytic minds that I have had the pleasure of witnessing. I just can't do it anymore. I'm sorry. I love you. I think I have always loved you from the first minute I walked into the AV lab. Goodbye my Catherine." I close my cell and with shaking hands I start up my SUV and head for home.

When I finally get home I go into the bathroom and run the hot water in the bath. While that's filling I go to the kitchen and remove a bottle of wine from the fridge and a glass from the cupboard. I move into my bedroom and pick some of my favourite CD's to listen to. I quickly move back into the bathroom to check on the running water before moving back through to my bedroom. I go to my closet and pull out a large storage chest that's sat on the bottom of my closet floor. Inside the chest I have hidden my 'special' pack. I keep it hidden away out of habit not that anyone would see it now though, no one cares enough to pry.

I quickly gather up the wine, glass and pack then go through to the bathroom. I place my 'pack', glass and wine at the side of the bath tub and quickly undress. I avoid looking at myself in the mirror, if I did that I already know what I'll see. Pale flesh criss crossed with old scars and fresh new cuts. I climb into the tub and lay back to relax and enjoy some of my wine. As the soft tones of Nine Inch Nails 'Hurt' drifts through from my bedroom I think over my life. All I can come up with is misery. Nothing but pain and hurt. Especially the last few years, since I met her. Every barb, every harsh word and every sneer we shared comes back to me with stunning clarity. There are a few times that we managed to make it through a shift without ripping strips off each other. I wish I knew what it was about me that she hated so much. If I knew I might have been able to change, but now I know that I'll never have that chance. The water has grown colder around me, so I let some of it out and top up the tub with more hot water. As I recline back into the warmth of the water I realise I'm ready. Now is the time.

I lean down the side of the tub to where I left my 'special' pack and flip it open. I lay everything out in a neat line and gently run my fingers over its contents. The most important piece of the pack is the switch blade laying in its pouch at the centre of the pack. Surrounded by antiseptic wipes, gauze and medical tape. I pick it up and look at it, turning it one way then the other. I like how the light reflects off the blade. It's almost pretty. I run my thumb along the length of the blade to test its sharpness. When I lift my thumb away I'm satisfied to see a single red line on the pad. I lay the knife on the edge of the bath and discard the rest of the pack. I have no use for the rest of it now. I reach for the half drunk glass of wine and down it in one swallow. I lean back into the bath and shiver when I realise that the water has turned cold again. I wonder how long I've been looking at the blade but discard the thought and refill the tub with more hot water and relax back into the tub. The hot water and wine have me relaxed to a point where I could have just dropped off to sleep. But I'm here for a purpose, I'm here for oblivion and tonight I'll receive it.

I pick up the knife and place the tip of the blade against my wrist. I hesitate for a moment and thoughts run through my head. Will it hurt? Will anyone care? Will she care? How long does it take for 2.5 litres of blood to pump out from a human body? I hear Placebo's 'Running up that hill' coming from my room. I can't help think how apt that song is. I push the stampeding thoughts out of my head and push down on the blade. The tip tears through the thin layers of flesh at my wrist, my goal is clear. Suddenly I see everything with stunning clarity. I dig the blade further into my wrist and drag it up my arm. I stop halfway up my forearm and remove the blade. I flex my fingers a couple of times, glad that I haven't damaged the tendons and ligaments too much. I swap the knife to my left hand and dig into my right wrist without hesitation. Once the blood is flowing freely from both wrists I drop the knife into the bathroom floor. I lay both my arms in my lap and watch with fascination as the water turns a deeper shade of crimson with each beat of my heart.

After a while my head falls back against the side of the tub. It feels too heavy to hold up on my shoulders. I think of her, of our time together. All the fights and harsh words we exchanged. Lack of blood must cause hallucinations because I can swear that she's here in the room with me as I die. She's wrapped towels around my wrists. Her hand is on my face, her breath on my lips. Her voice is in my ear asking "Oh, my beautiful Sara, why?"

I reply easily "because I don't have you!"

I can see tears roll down her face and feel them splash in the water beside me. I realise that my own face is wet as a darkness descends upon me. I know that this is it, this is my time. I feel her lips on mine. If this could have happened for real, then maybe things wouldn't have gotten this bad. Maybe if I had her as part of my life I wouldn't have gotten this bad, I wouldn't have gotten far. All of a sudden there is nothing, no her, no me, nothing.

This is it, this is mine

My oblivion.

END


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Sara finally makes a decision about her life. Contains self harm and suicide. Rating M, just to be safe. Thanks to Sofrost for the beta. I wouldn't have such a great story without your help.**

**Chapter two**

**Catherines POV**

Storming into my office I all but throw the folders that I was carrying onto my desk scattering the contents and pushing my cell phone to the edge of the edge. Slumping into my couch I lean my head back and curse Grissom's impeccable timing to go away on his 'creepy-Crawley' convention and departmental meetings. I've just spent the last three hours cooped up in a stuffy, over-heated office going over the statistics for the last month and improvement techniques for the up and departmental budgets for the coming month. Sitting on the couch I contemplate the various ways I could kill Grissom, hide the body and get away with it. Chuckling to myself I know no matter how pissed I am at him one look at his 'puppy dog' eyes and he'll be forgiven, but luckily I won't be seeing him for another couple of days. So I get to remain pissed off with him.

My phone beeps pitifully from it's current position dangling perilously from the edge of my desk, drawing me from my very pleasant day dream of disembowelling Griss. Slowly I get up from the couch and move over to my desk to rescue it from the floor. While I was in the meeting from hell four messages had been left on my voice mail.

The first two messages are from Grissom asking me to contact him as soon as I got out of the meeting to give him an update. To be honest I think that I'm gonna make him wait a little bit longer. If he wanted to know what was said so badly he could have stayed for the meeting and flew out to his bug convention in the morning. Not to mention I'm still pretty pissed at him, so he's very low on my priority list right now due to his little stunt. The third voice mail is from Lindsay letting me know that she misses me and wishes that I was with her, Nancy and Jeremy at Disneyland. I laugh listening to her describe how my sister screamed on the log chute. I can't help think that Lindsay has inherited more than a little bit of my sadistic nature as she gleefully tells me how Jeremy nearly wet his pants in the haunted house. After a few more minutes of alternating between telling me she misses me and how much she misses me and how much fun she's having with Mickey and Co. she blows me kisses down the phone and wishes me a goodnight. I can't help feel a little sad after hearing Lindsay's message but I can always listen to it later. Expecting the fourth message to be from Nancy giving me a more detailed version of their exploits so far I relax into my chair. As the message start I almost fall off my chair in surprise. Although I know the owner of the voice I still never expected to hear it on my voice mail. I usually only receive pages.

"Hi, it's Sara." Like she'd ever have to introduce herself to me. Her voice is like silk caressing my ears. I could listen to her talk about the weather and I would hang on ever word she spoke.

"I'm sorry to do it like this but I want to say goodbye." Goodbye? Surely she's not leaving? The team would be lost without her. I would be lost. The thought of never seeing her again makes my heart plummet. I know that we're not exactly friends but we are getting there, we are trying. It's my fault that we're just getting to know each other away from work. I've known for a long time that I was attracted to her. I knew that I had to keep her away not because she's a woman or a colleague but because she's Sara Sidle and is in love with Grissom.

"I can't live in a world like this any more and be without you." Oh God, she meant to call Grissom and must have called me by mistake. Even thought I know that the call is meant for Grissom I can't end the message. Something in her voice is stopping me. I've never heard her sound so sad. I know the job has been getting to her, it's easy to see, like it gets to us all but there is something else. It's been so long since we last spoke and it wasn't about work. She's been pulling away from me and I have no idea how to reach out to her.

"We see so much horror and ugliness day after day and I know that I, personally, go home after each case leaving a little bit of myself behind with each victim. I know that if I had you I'd be able to re-group myself better. But I don't." I wish I could speak to her now. I want to be the one that she turns to when she feels that the walls are starting to close in on her. Because of the rocky start we had, that I created, we don't have the kind of friendship that we could have if I hadn't been so pig-headed and stubborn all the time with her. As I've already said she's been moving away from me and I don't know what to do about it, I just feel so helpless.

A couple of days ago we caught a domestic abuse case and the pain I saw in her eyes caused my heart to break in sympathy for her. All I wanted to do was reach out and hold her close to me. All I ever want to do is protect her and love her. She puts on this front, like she's invincible nothing touches her. One look at her when she thinks no one is looking you see her shoulders stoop as though she has the weight of the world placed firmly on them. The finality in her voice sends shivers of fear down my spine. She sounds like she's lost all hope in the world. Sometimes I could shake Grissom to try and shake some sense into him. It's plain for the world to see how Sara feels about him but he's so bloody blind he can't see it. If only I knew how she was feeling. How negative her view on the world had become, dammit I should have. I'm a trained investigator for God's sake, reading people has always been part of my job. Something I've always been able to do with ease, from a young age. Why couldn't I read her? Why didn't I see how bad things had become for her? Some friend I am, I should have been there for her. Maybe I could have helped her cope so she didn't feel the need to run off.

"I can't carry on watching you date men who don't appreciate how truly wonderful you are." 'Date men'? Suddenly I'm thinking that maybe she never meant to call Grissom after all. By the sounds of things she meant to call a woman, either that of a gay guy. The emotion in her voice sounds that, who ever she thinks she's calling, she has very strong emotions for. I try to not get my hopes up though. If it is a woman that she thinks she's calling, she could just be hurting over a friend's bad luck with men. I know that I commiserate with my friends when they find out that the guy that they've been dating turns out to be a scum bag. It doesn't mean that Sara dates women. Does it?

"Who don't realise the magic that lies behind one of your smile, or who won't see that you are more than just a body. You have one of the most analytical minds that I have had the pleasure of witnessing." She sounds like she's talking to someone she wants to be closer to. I can't help wish that she was talking to me. I hate that she sees me as a rival, someone to compete for Grissom's attention. That's my fault though. After we closed Holly's case I should have cut her a break. I did try but my attraction to her kept growing and I felt that I had to keep her at arms length. Something kept pushing me to be a bitch towards her. Well not 'something' I know exactly what it was. I was falling in love with her and I didn't want to. By the time we called a truce to our continuous feud and made tentative steps towards a friendship I was head over heels in love with her. Huh, I'm that desperate that I'll take anything, even a friendship, just to have a valid excuse to be near her.

"I'm sorry. I love you. I think I have always loved you. From the first moment I walked into the AV lab. Goodbye, my Catherine." Whoa, hold the phone. She's talking about me. Smiling I recall our first meeting. She stood in the doorway, with the lights shining from the hallway silhouetting her. Making her look like an avenging angel. She asked if I knew where she could find a Catherine Willows, and I admit I was momentarily stunned by her beauty that it took me a few seconds to answer her back. But when I did it unfortunately set the rocky course for us. I love that she thinks of me as 'her' Catherine. For years I've secretly thought of her as 'my' Sara. I've even come close to letting it slip out at work. More than once when I was chatting to Nancy about work I did refer to Sara as mine.

As Sara's last words penetrate my brain the impact of them hits me. I dial her number and after a few unsuccessful attempts to reach her I make up my mind and barge into Grissom's office to get Sara's address. I figure that the blatant disregard of privacy is worth a suspension, no Sara is, if I can convince her to stay. Going back to my office I grab my car keys and go in search of Ecklie. As I run out of my office I bump into Greg knocking his paper flying.

"Whoa, Cath. Where's the fire?" He laughs bending down to pick up his scattered paperwork. Bending to help him I say, "Sorry Greg, I've not really got time to explain. Can you let Ecklie know that I've had to check out early. I've got a personal matter to take care of. I'll call him later to explain properly."

Handing him the last of the papers he smile, "Sure, no problem Cath. Just take care okay. Call me if you need anything."

"Cheers Greggo." Ruffling him hair and giving him a kiss on the cheek I head out to the garage. Thank God for small mercies, running into Greg saved me precious time searching for the asshole that is Conrad Ecklie.

Climbing into my Denali I slam the door and rush they keys into the ignition and peal out of the garage heading into the Las Vegas traffic. Reaching the first set of lights I can't take the thoughts of Sara running around in my head along with the suffocating silence inside the car. I turn on the radio to try and drown my thoughts of Sara. Driving and thinking of Sara is not advised. The current radio station has nothing but candy pop music. I press the automatic tuner button and hope that it tunes into a decent radio station. After a few seconds it selects a station. I reach out to change the channel when the lyrics of the song catch my ear.

"_I wonder where you are tonight,_

_No answer on the telephone."_

That's true. I have no idea where Sara is. I'm just hoping that she's still at home. I've been trying her home number as well as her cell phone. I'm really starting to worry that I've missed her.

"_Till now I've always got by on my own,_

_I never really cared until I met you._

_And now it chills me to the bone."_

This song could have been written for me. After Eddie, I never thought that I'd feel anything but lust for another person. Then in came Sara. One emotion or an other she's turned me into a hormonal teenager. One minute I want to lay her out on a table and ravish her, the next I just want to slap her, then she makes me want to wrap my arms around her and protect her from the world.

"_You don't know how long I have waited._

_To touch your lips and hold you tight."_

The thought of touching her lips sends tingles of desire to the pit of my stomach, which starts pools of arousal shooting straight to my core. As the song ends I realise that I'm in front of Sara's apartment block. Leaving my car I enter the apartment block and take the stairs to her floor. Once I'm outside her apartment I hammer on the door. I know that she's home. I saw her SUV outside, plus I can hear music coming from behind the door. Pressing my ear against the door I can hear it better, she is definitely in there. I knock on the door hard enough to leave a dent.

"Sara, open up. I know that you're in there. Please, I only want to talk to you. I...I got your message, Sara. Please open up." Leaning my head against the door I can only hear music. Frustrated I punch the door. Taking out my cell I try both of Sara's numbers again. Unfortunately I still have no luck getting her. I decide to wait here a while longer. I slide down the wall across from Sara's apartment and get comfortable anticipating a long wait.

Startled by footsteps coming up the hall, I look up. A young woman stands a few doors down eyeing me suspiciously. When I stand up she asks, "Can I help you? Are you looking for Miss Sidle?"

"Maybe you can, yes. I'm looking for Sara. My name's Catherine Willows. I work with Sara at the Crime Lab, I need to talk to her about an important case but I can't get a hold of her. I know that she's home but I don't think she can hear me with her music blaring. Do you know if the caretaker has spare keys for the apartments here?" I ask after flashing the neighbour my badge.

"Oh, um, well if you give me a moment, Sara gave me a spare key to her apartment a while ago. You know in case of an emergency and she's not here. Give me a moment to get it for you"

"Thanks, that would be great." I say watching her duck inside to retrieve the key. The neighbour returns quickly and hands me the key. "Thanks, I'll return these to you on my way out." I say with a smile. Going back to Sara's apartment I open the door and call for her. Stepping inside, gingerly, I look for her in the lounge and the kitchen. There are two doors facing me, both are closed and from behind one I can hear blaring music. I move towards it, thinking it must be her bedroom. Knocking on the door loudly I wait for a reply, my heart beat is matching the heavy pounding of the music behind the door. Hearing no reply I slowly open the door. Stepping into the room I can see that it is her bedroom, but she's not here. Which leaves me with door number two. Gut instinct and elimination tells my that this is the bathroom.

Moving towards the door I hear a dull, heavy thump coming from inside the room. Fear floods me as I barge past the door, straight into the bathroom. It takes me a few moments to completely register the sight before me. Laying in a tub full of red water is my Sara. Looking closely I can see where the red has come from. I grab my cell and call for an ambulance, letting them know that we have an officer down, knowing that they'd get here a little bit quicker. I move to the edge of the tub and wrap Sara's wrists in two towels to try and stem the loss of blood. Doing all I can for her, I place my hand on her cheek, it's cold under my touch. I move my face close to hers, I can't help ask her,

"Oh, my beautiful Sara. Why?"

"Because I don't have you." She replies. Breaking my heart in two. I can't help the tears that break free from my eyes and splash into the water beside her. Sara's eyes glide close, I lower my face towards hers and place a kiss on her lips.

From behind me I hear someone enter the bathroom, before I know it . I move aside and let the EMT's start working on Sara. Watching them lift her lifeless body from the tub and onto a stretcher, I notice how blue her lips truly were. Thinking the worst I bury my head in my hands and cry bitter sobs. The EMT's hook her up to a heart monitor and I'm stunned to see that she has a heart beat, it's very faint but it's there. I notice that Sara also has saline drips attached to both arms. I don't let my hope get too high just in case it's in vain and she's doesn't actually make it. I walk with Sara and the EMT's to the ambulance, I ask what hospital they are taking her to. I tell them that I'll follow behind in my car. I really need the time to recover form the shock.

Once the ambulance doors are closed and locked I get into my Denali and pull out behind the ambulance. Driving to the hospital the last few lines of the song that I was listening to on the way over to Sara's plays in my head.

"_But the secret is still my own,_

_and my love for you is still unknown."_

I can only hope and pray that it doesn't really end that way. I won't be able to survive now I know that she feels the same about me as I do her. I'm in love with Sara Sidle and she's in love with me. I couldn't live my life without her in it. I just couldn't live that way.

"_Alone."_


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Sara finally makes a decision about her life. Contains self harm and suicide. CSI is not mine and never will be, if i did own it there'd be no GSR. Rating M, just to be safe. Thanks to Sofrost for the beta. I wouldn't have such a great story without your help.**

**Also i want to thank everyone who has taken the time to read and review the story. **

**ooh, before i forget (again) the song in chapter two is 'Alone' by Heart. I was so excited about loading the second chapter that i forgot to mention it. Sorry;)**

**Thanks for reading,**

**Freddie.**

* * *

**Chapter 3**

**Catherine's POV**

"Miss Willows?"

I jerk awake as a voice calls my name and a hand is placed on my shoulder. Opening my eyes I see a nurse in red scrubs standing in front of me. Blinking my eyes a few times, I get a clear view of a tired looking young nurse. Finally focusing on her I nod my head.

"Yeah, I'm Catherine Willows. Do you have any news on Sara? How'd the surgery go? When can I see go and see her?" I ask standing up.

"Miss Willows."

"Call me Catherine." I tell her impatiently.

"Okay, Catherine. Do you mind if we sit down and talk?" She asks with a smile steering me back into a hard plastic chair. "I'm sorry to be the barer of bad news, but I'm afraid Miss Sidle died in surgery half an hour ago. The injuries to her wrists were too severe. She lost an enormous amount of blood, even before coming here to the hospital. The doctors were unable to save her." She tells me with a practised but genuine look of sadness on her face. "Would you like me to call anyone for you? A friend or a family member to come and get you?"

Her questions don't really make any sense to me. All I can think is my Sara's dead. Holding my head in my hands I hear a strange low keening sound. I briefly wonder where it's coming from before I realise that it's actually coming from me. Suddenly I feel hot tears roll from my eyes and down my face. No longer concerned with appearances, I cry hard bitter tear of loss and regret. Regret for all the awful, hurtful things that we have said and done to each other in the past. If only I had gotten over myself earlier and accepted her previous attempts at friendship, we could have had a more productive relationship. Now we'll never have that.

As reality slowly sets in, I remember that the guys have still to be told. I know that they'll be devastated. Especially Greg, he and Sara had a close friendship, like brother and sister. I loved to watch them carry on in the break room, the playful banter that would pass back and forth between the two would always make me smile. They'll all look to me for comfort and strength. After all I'm 'mama' Cath, and as far as they know I could barely stand Sara. They won't know that my heart is breaking for the loss of the woman I love with my whole being. They don't know, no one really knows how I feel about her, I guess being a bitch has towards her really hid it well.

I curl up on the hard plastic chair, as best as I can, with my knees pulled up to my chin and my heels resting in the edge of the chair, as though I can protect myself from the truth. I silently curse myself for letting her go without telling her how I truly felt about her. I feel someone roll up the sleeve of my shirt and something sharp pierce the flesh of my upper arm. Looking up I see the same nurse who told me about Sara remove a needle from my arm and put it in a disposal box marked 'SHARPS.' I forgot that she was in the room with me and as the sedative courses through my system I forgot about her again. I curse Sara for her stupidity and hard headedness. If only she could have spoken to one of us, this could have been avoided. I feel the nurse urge me to stand up and help me onto a gurney. As I lay my head on the pillow darkness descends and I drift off into a dreamless sleep.

Waking with a thump, I look around me and realise that I fell asleep in the waiting room. I must have slipped off my chair and woken myself up when I hit the hard waiting room floor. Reaching up to wipe the sleep from my eyes, I feel my face is wet from tears that I'd been crying in my sleep. God, that nightmare had felt so real. As I start to pull myself up onto the hard plastic chair, I hear footsteps approach the waiting room. My body protests the abuse I've made it endure by sleeping in the chair and slipping onto the floor. So I try to relieve my muscles by stretching my neck and rotating my shoulders. The footsteps stop outside the door and I look up.

"Miss Willows?" A doctor wearing scrubs covered with blood stands in the doorway looking at me expectantly. I feel my blood drain from my face as I nod my head, too shocked to speak by the sight in front of me.

"Miss Willows, I'm Doctor Doyle. I was the surgeon working on your friend Miss Sidle." He tells me with a smile. "We had a tough time trying to save her." Tears leak from my eyes and roll down my face uncensored. "The damage to her wrists was extensive. She's really done a number on herself. We went through a lot of blood but she just kept bleeding out. Slicing her wrists length ways meant suturing her veins closed was difficult, to say the least." My nightmare is coming true with every word he says. After a beat he continues. "But we managed it. Miss Sidle is currently being moved into the recovery room. Once we are happy with the sutures will hold and she's improved to my satisfaction she'll be moved into a regular room, then you can go and see her. If you could wait here I'll send a nurse along to take you to see her. It'll just be a little while longer, okay?" He pats my shoulder, stands and moves towards the door.

As the shock slowly retreats I call him back.

"Doctor?" I stand to meet him. "She's really made it? I dreamt that she'd died. This is really real, isn't it? I am awake now, aren't I? This isn't a dream?" I ask him in a rush, holding my hands clasped out in front of him. Looking like I'm begging him for the truth. He takes both of my hands in his, I feel how cold my hands are as the heat from his hands transfers into mine.

"Yes, Miss Willows, this is really real." He tells me with a slight chuckle. "You'll be able to see for yourself soon." He smiles and rubs my hands once before heading out the door.

My knees start to buckle with relief and I have to sit down again. Suddenly feeling too on edge to sit at peace so I start to pace around the room like a caged animal. I realise that I'm anxious. I have no idea what I'm going to say to Sara when she wakes up. I don't think she'd appreciate me shouting at her as soon as she wakes up or even as she recovers. If I'm honest all I want to do is wrap my arms around her and protect her. From her demons and the world. I'm not stupid enough to think that we'll have a fairy-tale happy ending. That she'll wake up and recover then we'll go riding off into the Nevada sunset on a white steed, or in this case one of our SUV's. She'll be suspicious of me and think that I'm here out of pity. It's going to be a tough task making her believe that pity is the last thing on my mind and that I want to be there with her. Simply because I love her.

Twenty minutes later I'm being shown to a side room that Sara has been placed in. Standing in the doorway I look at her. If it wasn't for the heart monitor that she's hooked up to, I would have thought that her body was waiting to be transferred to the morgue. She looks deathly pale and so small lying in the hospital bed. You wouldn't think to look at her now that she could scare a hardened criminal in to confessing or be able to comfort a small child or grieving relative. From here everything about her, everything that makes her Sara, looks as though it's gone. Too scared to move from my spot in the doorway, the nurse who showed me to the room lightly pushed me in the small of the back to move me forward.

"Try not to worry." She tells me with a broad southern drawl. "Sara is just sleeping off the effects of the anaesthetic. When she wakes up she'll be a bit disorientated and groggy but you can wait with her if you want. I think it'll do her the world of good to see a friendly face, one that she knows that is." She tells me while checking and noting Sara's progress before smiling at me and heading out the door leaving us alone since we were at her apartment.

Sitting in another hard chair at the side of Sara's bed, I briefly wonder if there's a rule somewhere that all hospital chairs must be hard and uncomfortable. I feel totally useless just sitting here but I take the time to look at her unobserved. Under the harsh hospital lights it's easy to see that she's been on a downward spiral for quite some time. The black bags under her eyes look big enough to fit my monthly shopping never mind a weekly shop. Her skin looks dry, patchy and it's stretched tightly over her bones. I can easily make out her cheek bones, jaw bone and her collar bone slightly peaking out from beneath the hospital gown that they have put her in. It's obvious that she's not been taking care of herself for quite a while.

I remember reading somewhere that some doctors believe that coma patients can hear what's going on around them and they encourage people to talk to the coma victim. Well, I know Sara's not in a coma, just unconscious, so maybe talking to her will bring her round quicker. The only problem is, I still have no idea what to say to her. It's not like she'll answer any of my questions, although I am determined to get some answers sometime in the future. Leaning forward in my chair, I rest my elbow on the edge of the bed just beside her hip and decide to give it a go.

"Hey Sara, it's Catherine." I tell her watching her face intently, looking for any sign that she heard me. Nothing. That doesn't discourage me though as I continue. "You've got to wake up, Honey, I've got something I want to tell you and I'd rather you were awake when I do. Properly awake, you know, with a mug of coffee in you hands maybe." I joke as I reach out to hold one of her hands in my own. "God, Sara, your hands are like ice blocks. How much blood did you actually loose?" I ask standing up. I rub her hand between both of my own, like I used to do to Lyndsay's on cold days, to try and encourage her blood to circulate more and bring the heat back into her hand. Once I'm satisfied that her hand is warm enough I kiss the palm and each knuckle before I replace it back on her stomach and repeat the process with her other hand. As I'm placing her hand back on her stomach I feel my face flush with embarrassment as I realise that I've kissed her palms and knuckles, like I do with Lyndsay. Slightly mortified, I check both her hands again, happy that the heat in them doesn't appear to be temporary, I sit back down and look out the window wondering how the hell we got here. Looking at Sara I'm surprised at how difficult I'm finding it to talk to her. I NEVER have trouble talking, some say it's a gift.

"You know, this would be a whole lo easier if you hurry the hell up and wake up already." I tell her, slightly bitterly, looking down at my hands clasped in my lap. It occurs to me that I could use this time to practise what I want to say to her when she's finally awake and able to have that conversation. She's here, I'm here and she won't answer me back or try to side-track me. I know her well enough to anticipate her response so this might work. I take a deep breathe and begin.

"You know, when I got out of that meeting and got your message I thought I was gonna lose you. I just never thought that it would be like this." I tell her with a sad laugh. "When I got to your message, I, well I nearly fell out of my chair. I wasn't expecting you to leave a message. Usually if you can't get me on the phone you page or text. I thought that you'd maybe meant to call Gil or someone else. I nearly hung up, Sara, but something in your voice wouldn't let me. Then I thought you were talking about a woman, I was so jealous. I don't mind admitting it now. I couldn't understand why it couldn't be me." I look at her and ask the question that's suddenly popped into my head. "How long have you thought of me as 'your Catherine?' I've thought of you as 'my Sara' for so long it nearly slips out every once in a while." I tell her chuckling at the thought of the times I've nearly let it slip in front of the guys or Nancy.

As I sit here and watch her sleep it hits me again how I almost lost her. The silence starts to press in on me from all sides I can't take it any more so I continue to 'practise' on her. "I didn't move till the message ended. Anyone looking unto my office would have seen me sitting in my chair looking like a statue with a phone pressed tightly against my ear. Once the message had ended I headed straight over to your place. I know I've never been there before but I got your address, don't ask me how, but I got it. I was scared, you know, scared that you'd leave and I'd never plucked up the courage to tell you how I really feel about you. Not that I thought it would make any difference, I know how stubborn you can be when you set your mind on something. For some selfish reason I wanted you to know. I was so scared that I was going to miss you, that I'd be too late to talk to you. To be honest, I don't think that I would have been brave enough to just barge in and declare my feelings for you. I was, I am, scared that maybe you didn't really mean it. Maybe I got it wrong, that you don't feel as strongly for me as I do for you. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. Thinking about it now, I think I'd have used the guys against you. I would have told you how much you mean to the team, all the time I'd want to tell you how much you mean to me. Or how much we need you here, when what I'd really mean is how much you mean to me. I would have tried to guilt you into staying. I'd have used everything I could have thought of to make you stay. I'd have even casted up Eddie's case." I sneak a look at her and cover both her hands with mine. They're still warm, that's good.

"You know, I never said sorry about that day. Thinking back, it seems I said something horrible to you each day since we first me. To be honest, I was hurting for Lyndsay when Eddie died and since I'm being honest I was hurting for myself too. I wanted someone to hold me and tell me that everything would be ok. I wanted that someone to be you, that's why I came looking for you, hoping that you'd take me in your arms and tell me that everything would work out alright and that I would be safe cos you'd look afer me. But as usual I had to be a bitch." Looking at her I decide to bite the bullet, I mean she's unconscious, so the chances of her remembering me telling her all this are slim. When she wakes up I'll let her set the pace. If she wants a friendship, then a friendship is it. Even though it'll break my heart every day, knowing that she loves me too.

"Did you ever wonder why I never cut you a break after Holly's case? Of course you did, it's your job to be curious. You probably thought I was being a complete bitch because I was supposed to see you as a challenge to my status as the 'hot chick' in the lab and field. The real reason was because of our first meeting in the AV lab, you remember? Looking at you standing in the doorway took my breath away. I've never been one for love at first sight, I'm too cynical for that, but I definitely felt something. I couldn't explain it, it was so strong and it scared the shit out of me. I wanted to find Holly's killer for two reasons. One I'd get justice for Holly and two, once we got justice that would send you back to San Francisco and I wouldn't have to deal with you or my feelings for you. But after we solved the case you stayed, it was easier to deny my feelings and continue on the road I'd started. As time went on it became second nature to be a bitch to you. To pick fights and bicker instead of doing what I wanted. All I wanted to do was to hold you and whisper my love for you." I tell her feeling desperate for her to try and understand what I was going through.

"God, Sara, I'm so sorry. I never thought you'd do this. I never thought for a second that you'd have feelings for me. I thought it was Grissom that you were in love with, hell we all did. So I did the only thing I could to protect myself. I kept pushing you away and ignoring your steps towards a friendship. Then you got involved with that idiot Hank. What the hell did you see in that creep? I could never see it. After you found out about him and that Alcott woman I could see how much he hurt you. So, I put my feelings aside and tried to be a friend. I wasn't that good, was I? Everytime we got somewhere I'd mess it up, yet again. I'd get jealous everytime I'd see you flirt with someone, even Greg. Can you believe it? Jealous of Greg. Everytime Grissom touched you I wanted to be him. Well at first I wanted to cut off his hands so he couldn't touch you again. After a while I realised that I couldn't just be friends with you. But I'll try. Honest to God, I'll try. I can't have you out of my life. Even just seeing you in the lab is better than not seeing you at all." I realise that I'm crying again. I don't want her to see me like this when she wakes up. I quickly think of some excuse to get out of her room so I can go and fix my face when I remember that I still haven't told the guys.

"I've just remembered, Sara, that I haven't told the guys that you're in hospital. I've no idea what to tell Ecklie. I know he'd use this against you. I'll think of something, maybe a cooking accident?" I ask her, laughing. "Well I'd better go and call them. You know what they are like. They all love you." I tell her wiping my face dry. I stand and lean closer to her so I can whisper. "Come back to me, Sara. I love you too much to lose you. Now I know that there might be a chance for us, I want us to take it. If ou still want to, tht is." I softly kiss her lips. Thankfully they are warmer than they were in her apartment. I turn to leave but stop in the doorway to take another look at Sara before leaving the hospital to fill the guys in on what's happened. I dread making the calls. I get outside wondering what to do about Ecklie, what to tell him so her can't use it to go after Sara later on. I decide to call Grissom first he'll know how to handle the pompous ass.

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**Thank you for reading. And i'm sorry for the first paragraph, i've been getting pelters from people because of it. Lol.**

**Freddie.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Sara finally makes a decision about her life. Contains self harm and suicide. CSI is not mine and never will be, if i did own it there'd be no GSR. Rating M, just to be safe. **

**Thanks to Sofrost for the beta. I wouldn't have such a great story without your help.**

**Also i want to thank everyone who has taken the time to read and review the story. **

**Thanks for reading**

**Freddie xxxx**

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**Chapter Four**

**Sara's POV**

Waking up, face down on a cold stone floor, I hear the rhythmic beat of footfalls echo around me. Cracking open one eye, I look down a dimly lit corridor. Laying here the colds seeps into my body, invading my muscles and bones, turning my insides to ice. Moving, I kneel on the hard concrete and lean back on my heels to look around me for the first time. The corridor is just long and grungy. Pretty much like you'd get in the bowels of a mental hospital. I try to focus on the source of the footfalls. Turning my head from left to right, I finally notice a woman walking towards a brightly lit exit. Unsure of where I am I decide to follow her. Standing, I move over to the wall and follow her as quietly as I can. As she passes under a light I can make out her blonde hair. Watching her walk it finally dawns on me that I recognise the particular way her hips sway.

I call out to her. "Catherine."

She stops at the exit with one hand on the door and turns to face me. I can see her lips moving but I can't make out what she's saying. It's almost like she's talking in whispers. I run towards her trying to hear what she's saying to me. As I get close to her a huge wall of fire springs up between us, forcing me back. The heat is so intense. The corridor quickly heats up and I start to feel like I'm in Death Valley in the middle of the afternoon. The licking flames keep me away from Catherine, the deafening roar making it even harder to hear her whispered words. It doesn't stop me using all my strength to call to her though.

"Cath, I can't get through. I'm stuck. Get out and get help. Please." I shout to her, begging.

Suddenly the roar of the flames stops and I can hear her clearly.

"Come back to me, Sara. I love you too much to lose you." Before I can respond the roar is back and she turns and walks out the door. As the door snaps shut behind her I realise that she's gone. So have the fire, door and lights. Leaving me alone in the cold dark corridor. Alone with my demons.

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I awake feeling a soft cloth being wiped over my face. Slowly opening my eyes I see the blurred outline of a strange face looking down at me. Feeling extremely light headed I close my eyes and pray for the room to stop spinning. I grind my teeth together to bite back the wave of nausea that washes over me when I realise that I have failed again. I flex my hands and feel the type of scratching that can only come from having stitches on my wrists. Unfortunately I can't stop the tears of anger and shame that cascade down my face so easily. Seems no matter what I try to do I fail. I can only blame whatever drugs these wanna be gods have pumped into me. I feel the cloth move over my face again, wiping away my frustrated tears. Shame it can't wipe me away. My eyes snap open. I honestly thought she was a drug induced hallucination.

"Hey there." The woman says smiling softly down at me. "You've had a bit of a traumatic time, haven't you? My names Nurse Williams, your partner asked me to watch over you while she made a phone call. She should be back soon." She tells me still smiling. I must be really tripping because I thought she said my 'partner'. I don't have a partner, I have no one. That's why I'm here in the first place. I'm totally useless at any sort of relationship. I'm too fucked up to function as part of a unit. I try to tell her so but my throat is so dry that the only sound I can make is a grave croak. Nurse Williams immediately moves to get a glass of water. By the time she returns to my side I have half pulled myself into a sitting position on the bed. She puts the glass on the side unit and helps me sit up fully. I take the offered glass and drink half the contents in one gulp. I try talking again, this time with more success.

"I don't have any partner." I tell her trying to keep the self pity out of my voice. "I don't really have anybody." She looks at me as though I've just kicked a small child in front of her.

"Well, what about the woman who came in with you? Um, I think her name's Catherine. She's been very worried about you. She obviously loves you very much. It was very touching to watch her care for you." She tells me, looking like she might burst into tears. Like we're some soppy romance she'd been watching. Loathing to burst her bubble, I need to set her straight. I feel a bubble of panic rise in my chest. If Catherine is really here and she walks in and hears the nurse shouting about how much she loves me, Cath might think that I've been telling her lies.

"She doesn't love me." I quickly assure the woman with a small laugh. Hoping she doesn't hear the longing in my voice. I want to leave it there but my drug addled brain is determined to betray me as my mouth continues without my permission. "Cat doesn't even _like_ me never mind _love_ me. She can barely stand to be in the same room as me. She'll never feel for me the way I feel for her." I tell Nurse Williams. Looking her straight in the eye, I'm determined to not break down again, but once again I have something over riding me. The drugs in my system allow the tears I was desperately holding back burst forth like a dam. I bury my head in my arms to try and hide my shame and embarrassment. The nurse scoops me into her arms in an embrace that can only describe as motherly. At first I tense at the contact and try to get out if it. But as she rubs circles on my back and coos softly in my ear the last of my resolve breaks and I cling onto her as though she will keep me afloat in this sea of emotion I seem to have found myself in. Weeping pathetically against her shoulder I briefly wonder why I am letting myself be comforted by this stranger and again I curse the wanna be gods and their damn drugs.

"Do you feel a bit better now?" She asks as I pull back and wipe my face. I feel like telling her 'no, I don't feel better. In fact I feel worse. First I fail to kill myself the most sure fire way and second I've spent the best part of 15 minutes crying on your shoulder. So, NO I don't feel better.' Instead I tell her.

"yeah, as well as I can when I'm hopelessly in love with my co-worker who loathes the very sight of me." I chuckle weakly, silently damning my mouth for not keeping quiet when it should.

A gasp from the doorway draws my attention.

"God, Sara, do you really believe that?" Wow, I'm definitely tripping I swear that Catherine is standing there with hurt and dismay marring her face. It's only when Nurse Williams stands to leave that I realise that for once the drugs aren't fucking with my head. She really is there.

"I'll leave you both to it. Take it easy OK? You're still a bit woozy from the anaesthetic, I don't want you relapsing. I'll be at the nurses' station if you need anything, just press the call button, OK?" She asks. When I nod yes she pats my leg and squeezes past Catherine who's still standing in the doorway, looking like a parody of the first time we met. Looking at her I feel a tug of a smile on my face for the first time in what feels like years. Meeting her eyes any smile that may have been on my face vanishes. Heeding Nurse Williams' advice I try to avoid any kind of scene. Plus if I'm honest I don't wanna have to defend myself from Catherine's interrogation techniques when I have enough drugs in my system to take out a baby elephant. So I offer her a weak,

"Hey, Catherine." Looking her in the eye, I know I have a lot of explaining to do.

She heard it all. My message and my rant to the nurse. She probably only came to my flat to laugh in my face and then stuck around to tell me how pathetic and how much of a loser I really am. I know that I have a lot of work to do to keep a harassment complaint out of my file. The longer the silence stretches out between us the more I wish I could read minds. Against my will I chuckle at the thought of reading other peoples minds. I can barely understand my own mind, what chance do I ever have with someone else's? My laughter seemed to have broken something between us because Catherine gets a strange look in her eyes as she continues to stare at me.

"Do you think this is funny? Do you have any idea how twisted all this is?" She asks with sadness in her eyes. "Do you really believe that? That I, what was it? Oh, yeah 'loathe the sight' of you? You know what? Please don't answer that just now, I don't think I could take the answer. Plus we have plenty of time to go over it when you're feeling better." She tells me, finally leaving the safety of the door frame. She moves slowly into the room and I feel like I'm being stalked by a lion on safari. I bite my lip to stop myself from laughing out loud at the image of Catherine chasing me through the Savannah. Finally she reaches my bed and sits on the edge. I really can't help the chuckle that escapes from my lips. I finally have Catherine on my bed and all I had to do was try and kill myself.

"What the hell are you laughing at? Do you think it's funny that I've been worried sick about you?" She asks, her voice dangerously low and fire in her eyes. "I was so scared that you'd be taken from me. That I'd never get a chance to fix things between us, that we'd never get a chance to be friends and that you'd die thinking that I hate you. God, Sara, I don't hate you" she says burying her face in the bed beside my leg. Too stunned to initially do anything, I sit staring at this usually strong woman weep shamelessly on my hospital bed. My drug addled brain finally catches up and make the connections. I reach out my hand to stroke her hair to try and offer her some comfort when her head snaps up and her eyes sparkle with un-shed tears as they meet mine.

"I'm sorry." I tell her weakly, my hand dropping lifelessly to the spot where her head had been. All the times before I'd always been ashamed and disappointed when I survived my failed suicide attepmts. Now though, I was ashamed and angry at the pain that I'd brought to this beautiful, caring woman before me. "I never..."

She holds up her hand to stop me. Looking into her eyes I can see a different light, her stance has also changed. I have to admit it frightens me a little bit. The moment quickly passing, she asks. "Have you been told when you get out of here?" Too afraid to speak and too scared of the look in her eyes, I shake my head no and keep my eyes on my bandaged wrists. "Ok, well when you do you'll be coming to stay with me." I almost sever my neck when my head snaps up at hearing her say that. I open my mouth to argue but she silences me with another raised hand. "Don't even try to argue with me." She says lowering her hand to my leg.

"I've spoken to Grissom and we're both on leave until you recuperate. He's going to call Ecklie and tell him you've had an accident, hence you needing time off and you need someone with you, hence me needing time off. The boys have been told the same thing. So," she stops to take a deep breath. "It's only you, me and Grissom who know the true story. Now, there is a condition to Gil lying for you though. Before you come back to work you've got to speak to a psychiatrist. He wants you to attend at _least_ three full sessions before he'll even let you in the building." By the look in her eyes I know that she's serious.

She breaks eye contact and looks at the invisible pattern she is absent mindedly drawing on the blanket covering my thigh. "Now the reason that you've to come home with me is to get you outta here sooner. Gil says that you hate hospital? So I thought if we got you out of here as soon as possible, you'll heal quicker." I grab her hand, sure that she's unaware of what she's doing to me, even in my drug-fuelled state I try to protest.

"Cath, I can't stay..."

" Don't think that you'll be putting me out" she interrupts. "Actually, you'd be doing me a favour. You see, Lyndsay's on holiday with my sister and nephew and I _hate_ a quiet empty house." She tells me looking down at our joined hands. A small smile spreads over her face as she gently rubs her thumb over my knuckles. Slowly she raises her head to look me in the eye. Suddenly the room seems to have taken an electrical charge to it. She slowly leans forward and I find myself captivated by her lips. I close my eyes in anticipation of our first kiss. I can feel her breath brush lightly over my lips, when an alarm goes off somewhere breaking the moment once again. Catherine jumps from the bed as though she had been electrocuted. Looking slightly startled she walks to the door.

"Hum, I better go and see about getting you out of here." Stopping at the door she turns and fixes me with her piercing blue eyes. "Oh, and um, don't think we won't be talking about this whole episode. You had me terrified and I thought that I was going to lose you and I don't like being terrified" she says before leaving the room.

Watching Catherine leave the room I release a breath that I hadn't realised I'd been holding and slump back against my pillows. I nearly kissed Catherine Willows. That thought is roughly forced from my mind as I remember that I'm going to be staying with her. Alone. In her house. Just the two of us. I don't think I'm going to last a day with her. I've never been so bloody scared in my whole life. The thought of staying with Catherine is scarier than having to spend time talking to a shrink. Catherine will get further into my head in twenty minutes than any shrink will in twenty hours. I seriously have to find away out of staying with her. Asking me to stay with Catherine is like asking an alcoholic to tend a bar and _not_ drink the profits. I can't do it. Especially after we nearly kissed. I know that she was just relieved that I hadn't died. Maybe she doesn't hate me as much as I initially thought. Suddenly I feel very tired. I fight to stay awake but unfortunately between the drugs and the emotional roller coaster I've just been on have really tired me out and I drift on into a restless sleep.

Waking up some time later I keep my eyes closed to protect my retinas from being seared by the

light that's spilling into my hospital room. Turning my head away from the window I slowly open my eyes. The pain isn't too bad so I am able to see with the minimum amount of spots and squiggly lines. Once my vision had cleared completely I notice the mass of Catherine's blonde hair laying on the bed next to my hip. I reach out tentatively to push the hair behind the delicate shell of her ear. I can't help stroke my fingers down her strong jaw. Catherine stirs slightly and I still my fingers. No matter how hard I try, they seem to have taken on a life of their own. I try to remove them before she wakes up but it seems now they have felt a small patch of skin they want more. As my fingers travel down her cheek towards her full lips, her eyes slid open for a few seconds then close again. For the second her eyes were open I snatched my hand away and my heart starts to beat a tattoo in my chest. I watch her as she arches her back up, stretching like a cat. She slowly sits back against the chair and looks at me. I'm still taken aback by her beauty. As she sit there with her rumpled clothes and ruffled hair, she still manages to take my breath away.

"Sara, are you ok?"

Damn. I must have been staring to long for her to ask me that. Trying to think of a good reason to be caught staring I realise that I still have a lot of anaesthetic in my system. My sluggish response makes her sit forward and take my hand. Stunned by the contact I manage to stammer out an excuse.

"Um, yeah, I'm fine. I was just thinking about staying with you for a few days." I tell her looking at our joined hands. "I don't have a change of clothes or any toiletries or anything. I think I'd be better off getting a cab back to my apartment. I'll be fine and in the morning I'll call the doctor and schedule my first session. That way you won't have to miss out on work and I can call you, you know. That way you can get on with your life but you'll also know that I'm ok." I tell her in a rush feeling that she just might take me up on the offer. I raise my eyes from our hands and my heart sinks as a slow smile spreads across her face. I know I've lost. I'll be staying at her house. With her alone. Just the two of us. God, I'm doomed.

Catherine bends down, never letting go of my hand, and picks up an overnight bag from the floor. Oh yeah, I've definitely lost. I'm about to go on the defensive about her invading my personal space when she tells me.

"Don't worry. I went in and packed some shirts, vest tops and jeans. We'll have to stop at a store or swing past your apartment for underwear and socks. I know we're both women but I didn't feel right rooting around in your drawers." She says with a flush of embarrassment moving across her cheeks and down her neck. "I also picked up your wash bag but again if I've forgotten anything we can easily get it." She continues as though she's not embarrassed. Her face darkens slightly and I can't help inch towards her. "Um, Gil said no scanner or journals, so he came and picked them up. I'm sorry I couldn't stop him. He says it's only for two weeks then you can have them back. I did try to get him to let me take them but he wouldn't hear about it. I'm so sorry. Sara, please say something."

I sit staring at her, torn between shock and fear. I'm going to have to stay with her for a minimum of two weeks without any distractions. I have no scanner or journals, nothing to keep me occupied and my mind off her. I look at Catherine and I know there's no way I'm getting out of here any time soon unless I take her up on her offer.

"Ok, ok. I surrender. I'll come and stay with you for a wee while." I look her in the eye and try to hide how defeated I'm feeling. Looking at her sitting on the chair smiling like the cat who got the cream I can't stop myself grinning along with her. Regardless of how I feel inside.

"Good." She says standing and letting go of my hand. "I'll go tell the doctor that you're ready to check out and we'll get going." She leans in and kisses me on the forehead then turns and practically skips out of the room. When she's gone I let my head drop back against my pillows and raise my fingers to touch the spot where Catherine kissed me. I groan out to the empty room.

"Doomed, I'm Doomed."


	5. Chapter 5

**A.N. Once again, thanks to Sofrost for the beta. Wouldn't have it without you :D Sorry for such a long delay in updating. Unfortunately life has gotten in my way. Hope you all enjoy.**

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Watching from the doorway I can see her lying on her back with the sheet pooled at the bottom of the bed. Her brow crinkles slightly and her lips form a slight pout. At any other time this would be adorable but right now it hurts. It hurts to see her like this, confused and hurting. Especially when I feel like there's nothing I can actually do for her. This is something that she needs to work through and I can do is stand by.

I'm not surprised that even in her sleep she remains troubled. Sighing quietly to myself I briefly wonder if I should go in and cover her back up. She moves onto her side slightly and brings her arm up to drape across her stomach. I'm jolted out of my musings by the glaring stark contrast of the bleach white bandage around her wrist and the black vest top she chose to wear to bed. Shaking my head at the uselessness I feel in this situation, I gently pull the door to a silent close and head back to my own room. Satisfied that even if she wakes up while I sleep she'll have managed to get a couple of hours sleep.

As I turn in for the night, going through my nightly ritual of showering and moisturizing, my thoughts turn to the beautiful, troubled young woman asleep in my spare bedroom. As much as it might pain me, I want to know why she felt suicide was the only option left open to her. What happened to make her want to leave us, leave me. Settling onto my bed and drawing my duvet tight around me, I make a silent vow to her. I must make it my number one priority to become the friend I should have been since the beginning. As the familiar heaviness of sleep sweeps over me, my last conscious thought is how close I had come to losing her for good. I realise that I love her just too damn much to let that happen.

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A feral, screaming howl rips me from my restless sleep. Dreams of Sara slipping further and further away from me until eventually all there is, is an empty space where she once stood. Have been tormenting me for most of the night. Sitting bolt upright in bed, my covers pooling around my waist. I shiver slightly as the cool air in the room makes contact with my heated skin. I briefly wonder if I'm subconsciously trying to shake off the remnants of my dreams.

Another inhuman scream rips through my house and I strain my ears to try and locate the source of it. A shiver of fear trickles down my spine as I realise that it came from inside the house. A scientist I may be but I'm also a human being with a very vivid imagination and a soft spot for horror movies. I can't help envision a huge snarling werewolf making its way up the staircase with saliva and blood dripping from its elongated snout.

As another blood curdling scream echoes through my house, I leap from my bed and stand by the side poised to run and try to barrel over anything that may come through my bedroom door. Reality comes crashing down on me. There is no werewolf. There is no monstrous beast. It's only me and my troubled young colleague, Sara. Forgetting my own strength, I throw open my bedroom door, causing the wall to rattle in my room with the force of the impact. I practically run down the short hall way to the guest room and Sara. I just manage to stop myself from bursting through the door and possibly scaring her even more. After knocking gently on the door I push it open.

Entering the room I freeze at the sight before me. In the near dark of the room I see Sara lying in the centre of the bed with the covers completely disguarded to the floor. Her arms and legs stretched out towards each bed post as though she had been tied to them. Her back is raised off the mattress, her stomach arched towards the ceiling. She slumps against the bed and shakes her head from side to side, muttering furiously under her breath. Suddenly her whole body goes rigid and an enormous animalistic howl rips from her slender frame.

Shocked into action, I cross the room and kneel on the bed beside her, just as her body arches off the bed again. I'm completely lost about what to do I place my hand on her arm and softly call to her. This time when her body returns to the bed, she relaxes completely. Her arms come down to rest at her side and her legs go into a limper, natural position. It appears that whatever nightmare she was trapped in has released her. She shivers slightly. I'm not sure if it's just from echoes of her nightmare or if it's from being cold, but I reach for the covers she kicked off earlier and pull them back over her shivering body. Tucking the covers around her slight frame seems to wake her slightly. She rolls onto her side, straight into a protective foetal position. I reach out to smooth some hair back from her face to behind her ear. I feel like I've lost control of my body as my fingers trace the shell like contours of her ear and stroke down her strong jaw.

Her eyes snap open suddenly; I try to pull my hand back, hoping to not get caught touching her up. When her hand darts out from underneath the covers and grabs my wrist with the frightening accuracy of a cobra strike. I watch in fascination as her eyes flash card her emotions to me. Fear, worry, defiance and finally relief when she recognises me. I try to remove my wrist from her grip but she keeps a firm hold on me. Unable to take the heavy silence and longer, I tell her,

"You were having a nightmare and I came to check up on you." She doesn't even blink when I tell her, just continues to stare at me. I begin to wonder if she actually heard a single word I said. I cover the hand on my wrist and lightly stroke the back of it. "Well, you seem to be ok now, so I'll let you get back to sleep. I'm going to try and get a few more hours myself."

She finally shows some signs that she heard me. She nods slightly and let's go of my wrist. She watches me wearily as I get off the bed.

"Well, goodnight then." I say to her as I instinctively smooth down the bed covers around her. As I place a light kiss on her forehead it dawns on me that she hasn't spoken a single word since she woke up. Smoothing hair from her face again, I half hope that she might just bid me a goodnight. Instead she just nods her head. Turning to leave the room, Sara grabs my wrist again. I turn and try to not snap at her, too tired and my patience already wearing thin. Before I could even open my mouth she beat me to it.

"Cath, can you....stay.....please?" Her voice is low and raspy from sleep and the screaming. Looking in her eyes I see the naked fear and need in them.

Without another word from either of us I slip into the bed forcing her to move over. She releases her hold on her but keeps a close eye on me as if to make sure I don't bolt from the room. Once I'm settled I look at her expectantly, waiting for her to lie down too. I tilt my head to the side to get a better look at her. Her face shows that she is battling with something. Silently I watch as she battles it out with whatever demons are attacking her now. I finally understand what might be troubling her; I notice a look in eye that's similar to one that Lindsay gets when she's unsure how to ask for something. I open my arms to her, hoping that's what she was too scared to ask me, inviting her to lie in my arms. Something I had secretly been hoping would happen someday. With a slight smile she lowers her body next to mine with a hairs breath of distance between us. She rests her head on my shoulder and slides an arm across my waist, pulling me flush against her.

We both settle into the strange new position quickly. I wrap my arms around her and run my fingers through her ebony hair. I can feel her breath ghost across the opening of my pyjama top teasing the heated flesh beneath. The hand that Sara had on my stomach has my top in a tight hold as though she's still worried that I'll run away from her. I place my hand over hers to try and show her that I'm not going anywhere.

Soon her grip on my top lessens and she moves her hand to intertwine our fingers. I can't help think how perfect our fingers fit together as they rest atop my stomach. I realise, gladly, that Sara has fallen asleep again. Her body has relaxed into me more but her hold on my hand hasn't eased any. I stop running my fingers through her hair and wrap my arm around her shoulders, holding her to me tighter. She responds by burying her head further into my shoulder and slightly nuzzling my neck. I felt my breath hitch when she did that but I realised it was a subconscious movement as she was still asleep. I can feel myself growing heavy as I drift off to join her in slumber. I can only hope she will sleep better now.

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Waking up I feel a warm body pressed against my back and an arm wrapped around my waist. After a few moments of panic I remember the events of last night that lead to me waking up with Sara's warm body tightly pressed against mine, in the spare room with her arm holding me close and her breath rhythmically fluttering on the back of my neck. I raise my head to get a better look at the clock on the bedside table and I see that it's just after five in the morning. Since there is no where that we have to be I decide to go back to sleep.

I carefully roll onto my back where I can study Sara's face. Thankfully she looks peaceful. Sara senses the shift in my position and tries to pull me closer to her. I take her hand in mine and place our joined hands over my heart. In the quiet of the morning light I can admit last night had me terrified. The way she was screaming and her reluctance to talk to me had me worried that she might be experiencing a set bad. I don't think I would have been able to sleep if I had gone back to my own room. I raise our joined hands and place a kiss on the palm of her hand. I return our hands to rest of my stomach. I'm so lost in my own thoughts that I didn't realise that I was crying or that Sara was awake till she asked why I was crying.

"Hey, Cath? What's wrong?" She asked removing her hand from my stomach to wipe my face. I turn my head to look at her. The frown line is back again and I feel guilty about putting it there. I hesitate before I answer her. I'm not sure how she would take it if I tell her how much last night scared me or if I should try to fob her off with some excuse. Looking in her eyes I know that with Sara, honesty is the best policy.

Taking a deep breath I tell her, "Yeah, I'm fine. It's just last night it had me a little scared, that's all. I was worried that it might set you back." She doesn't answer right away, just continues to look at me. She rises up on her elbow a slightly hovers over me.

"I'm sorry. I should have warned you that I sometimes have nightmares." She says with her eyes down cast, avoiding mine. Suddenly her head snaps up. "I didn't hurt you did I?" She asks with panic in her voice. Her hand is on my chin gently moving my head from side to side.

"Sara, Sara, stop you never hurt me. Honestly." I watched as relief flooded her face. "Look it's after five and we don't have anything to do. Do you fancy just having a long lie and we can figure out what to do with our day later on?" I ask her, secretly hoping that she'll go with the idea.

"Sure, that sounds like a plan."

"Great." Suddenly I'm nervous. Selfishly I want to stay here in the bed with the warmth of her body next to mine but I know I should go back to my own bed. I reluctantly move to get out of the bed but Sara stops me.

"Cath, can you please stay again." She asks in a hesitant voice. "It's just that I slept better last night with you here than I have done in a long time. If it makes you uncomfortable that's cool." She rushes on to explain. I honestly didn't expect her to want me her with her. She has always been a private person, always guarded her own privacy.

Although secretly I was pleased, I tried to play it down. I didn't want to scare her. "If you're sure, then I'll stay." Lying back down I turn on my side and slowly drift off to sleep. At the point of sleep I felt Sara shift and her arm slip around my waist pulling me close to her again. I really can't help the small smile as with each breath of hot air breathed against the back of my neck, I feel a blanket of safety and contentment steal over me.

The last thought that came into my head as I fell further into sleep, is to help Sara anyway possible.

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**Thanks for reading.**

**Freddie.**


	6. Chapter 6

**A.N. Once again, thanks to Sofrost for the beta. Wouldn't have it without you :D Sorry for such a long delay in updating. Unfortunately life has gotten in my way. Hope you all enjoy.**

**A.N Thanks to everyone for reading and the reviews i've gotten. If i had the slightest idea how to i would thank you all personally, but i'm a bit of an idiot :P**

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**Chapter 6 **

**Sara's POV**

Waking up with soft warmth pressed tightly against my front. I burrow in as deep as I can, I smell honeysuckle and camomile. Great, another one of those dreams. I've lost track of the nights I've woken up thinking that I have her in my arms, only for it to be the duvet or a pillow. Or think I can smell her shampoo, only to be disappointed that my subconscious has tricked my olfactory sense. Even though I know this is just another dream, I'm determined to make the most of it before I became fully conscious. I know I don't have very long. I know I'll wake up properly soon and I'll be left holding my duvet or pillow as usual.

Slowly, I run my hand over the soft plain of her stomach, enjoying the feel of her muscles twitching and jumping. I place light kisses on her shoulder and move up to her neck. She moves her head slightly to offer me more of her skin to kiss and lightly nip. She moans deeply as I take her earlobe between my teeth and lightly flick it with my tongue.

It's then it hits me with the force of an arctic truck. Suddenly I'm wide awake. This isn't a dream. She's really here, in my arms, in my bed. I lift myself up on my elbow, effectively removing my body from hers. Cath lets out a groan of displeasure when the cool air hits her. I take a quick look around the room and it all comes crashing back to me. After my last half-assed failed attempt, Cath made me come home with her so she could look after me. Fresh guilt floods through me as I remember last night. The nightmares. That's what brought Catherine into the room and I asked her to stay with me. I can't think what's worse, the nightmare I had last night or the fact that Catherine witnessed me in the grips of one. Horror courses through my body as I fear that I may have hurt her. I lean over her to look at her face as best I could. Thankfully I can't see any tell-tale sign that I lashed out at her but that doesn't mean anything.

I gently remove myself from her and the bed completely. I shiver as the cooler air in the room attacks my over heated flesh. Panic slowly creeps into me making it difficult for me to breathe properly. Placing my hand over my mouth to stifle the panting gasps I quietly and quickly make my way out of the room and down the stairs to the kitchen. Standing at the back door I suck in great lungfuls of air trying to ease the irate beating of my heart. Behind me the stove clock beeps to signal the top of the hour. I don't have to turn to look at it to know the time. Thanks to the small sundial burn feeder Catherine has in her garden I know it's 7am.

A slight breeze picks up across the garden making me shiver. I wrap my arms around tightly around me, foolishly trying to stave off the cold. Deciding I need a coffee I move back inside the kitchen towards the kettle. I stand watching it boil, trying to remember where Catherine keeps the mugs. For the life of me I can't remember where they are, thankfully the mugs we used last night are still on the draining board. Snatching one up me set about preparing my mug. Once I've done that I wander into the living room wondering if Catherine would mind if I use her couch throw to sit out in the garden. Finally the kettle clicks to signal the water is ready for my coffee, making a quick decision I take the throw back to the kitchen and pour the water into my mug. Giving it a quick stir I let it sit while I wrapped the throw around my shoulders. It would offer me more protection than my arms. Taking my coffee outside I settle on one of the deck chairs, desperately wishing I had a cigarette about now. I know I've given up but sometimes I still get the clawing cravings.

Taking a deep drink out of my mug I relax back into the chair and pull the throw tighter around me. I wonder what Catherine will make of my assault on her, because if I'm being honest, that's what it was. Assault. She has every right to throw me out and make a report against me. That's if she remembers. I might be lucky; she might think it was all part of a dream. Selfishly I hope she does. I haven't felt this peaceful in ages and it's down to her. I know I nightmare last night but once she agreed to stay with me through the night I felt better. I knew nothing would harm me while she was around. Who would have thought that I would feel safe with a 5'6" slight frame protecting my own 5'9" one? I laugh out loud as the thought crossed my mind. Just as quickly as it appears it's replaced by another thought. I really should be the one protecting her. Protecting her from me.

I drain my now cold coffee and walk back into the kitchen. I quickly rinse out the mug and put back on the draining board. When I pass through the living roof I drape the through over the back of the sofa, like I found it. I slowly, quietly make my way back upstairs to the spare bedroom. I'm thankful to see Cath still asleep. In the time I was downstairs she's moved to the centre of the bed and had stretched out in her stomach. Standing in the doorway, I'm stopped in my tracks by her beauty. Lying facing the door, with her hair fanned out behind her and the morning sun softly shining down on her, she looks like an angel. I can't stop the smile gracing my face as I think of her as my angel. She protected me from my nightmares.

Snapping out of my thoughts I quietly move about the room collecting my things. Once I had packed everything up I went into the en suite bathroom to grab a quick shower and change. Thankful the shower is quiet I step in under the spray and enjoy the warmth the water offers me. I have a moment of panic when I realise that I haven't brought any shampoo or soap with me. As I move to step back out I see on the shelf that was behind me a varied collection of soaps and shampoos. I shake my head at the thoroughness of Cath's hospitality. It's just like her to make sure everything is perfect for her guests. I feel a pang of guilt at leaving but I reason it's for the best. The best for her. I would only hurt her if I stay any longer and I can't let that happen. Finishing my shower in record time I get out, dry off and put on clean clothes.

Tip toeing out of the bathroom I make my way to my bag and put in my bed clothes. I can wash them when I get back to my flat. My flat. This is the first time I've thought about it. Something was mentioned about flooding. I rack my brains to try to retrieve the memory. Unfortunately I can't get a good grasp on it. It's floating outside my reach. Deciding that I'm going to take a chance that it's liveable I pick up my belongings I make to head out the door. With one last glance at Catherine, still lying on the bed, I'm stop in my tracks.

"Are you planning on leaving, Sara?"

Damn, the shower must have been noisier than I thought. Catherine's now lying on her back, looking at me with saddened eyes. Unable to keep her gaze, I lower my own eyes to the floor.

"I have to Catherine. I need to leave." I tell her, my voice barely above a whisper. I hear her moving but I don't dare lift my eyes from the spot on the floor.

"Why, Sara? Why do you need to leave? What's more important than your health?" She asks almost as quietly as I had spoken.

"You." I answer. Slowly lifting my eyes from the floor to see her kneeling at the foot of the bed, as close to me as she could be without leaving the bed. "I need to leave because of you. I need to keep you safe." I tell her, my voice getting stronger. I put my bag back down on the floor next to the door and take a step forward. "You are far more important than my health. Keeping you safe is more important than my health." I can see confusion bleed through her eyes. I don't know how to make it any clearer to her without giving too much of myself away.

"What do you mean, 'me'? What's going to happen to me that you need to leave to keep me safe?" She asks standing and moving slowly towards me. Stopping right in front of me she continues. "What's going to hurt me Sara? You?"

Unable to answer her I nod my head.

"Sara, sweetheart, I know that you would never hurt me deliberately. I know that I'm safe with you."

"But what about the nightmares? I've lashed out when I've been in a nightmare. I've seriously hurt people in the past. I can't help it."

"Exactly, Sara you can't help it. Look can we sit on the bed? I'm feeling a bit cold; I'd like to get back under the covers."

"Oh, of course." Mentally kicking myself at my stupidity.

Moving over to the bed, Catherine immediately gets under the covers as I sit tentatively on the edge. I refuse to look at her. I can't meet her eyes but I feel her gaze burning into me as though I've gone outside without any sun screen.

"Sara, look at me, please?" I lift my eyes to meet finally meet her. She reaches over to take my hand. "Sara, you can't help what you do when you're asleep. No one can. I would never hold anything you do in your sleep against you."

Looking into her eyes I know that she's being sincere, still something stops me from fully believing her. One day I'm going to have a really bad nightmare and not stop myself from hurting her. I've done it in the past, I've lashed out at those that I've cared about. I wouldn't say love, because I don't think I really knew what being love was like till I met Catherine. I would hate myself if I ever hurt her.

"I've got an idea." She says suddenly. "You have to listen before saying anything; do you think you could do that?" Slowly I nod my head, anything to keep from talking. "Ok, you stay here until the doctors say that you can be on your own again. I know you want to leave but hear me out, you stay here and we get you a lock for the door. One that you control but I have a key. That way if you have a nightmare, you can't get out and I can't get in right away. I'll bang on the door till it all goes quiet; it should be safe to come in then, shouldn't it?" She pauses and waits for my response. She lets out a frustrated sigh and I drop my eyes to our joined hands.

"Look, Sara, I have another reason for wanting to keep you here. A completely selfish one." She takes a deep breath and continues. "When you're ready I want to talk to you. We really need to talk about everything that's happened the past couple of days. What made you want to try and kill yourself. Why you called me, everything."

Fear snaps my head up. She wants to talk. I guess I should have known that it would come to this. She's gonna say that she made a mistake, that she can't be with someone as fucked up as me. She has Lindsay to think about after all. Knowing I won't be able to fight the inevitable. Unable to look her in the eye, I nod my head and answer in a whispered voice, "ok, we'll talk today, but do you mind if we have some breakfast first? I'm feeling kind of hungry."

"God, yeah, I'm famished myself. I don't think I've eaten since my break on the day that I got your call."

Immediately my head snaps up and guilt floods me. Seeing the look in my eyes, Catherine crawls over to me and wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me into a cuddle. Automatically my arms move around her waist pulling her close. Unable to stop myself I bury my nose in her hair and deeply inhale. I figure I might not be able to do this again so I'm going to make the most of it. I feel Catherine pull back slightly so I move to let go of her. She doesn't release me completely; she keeps one hand on my shoulder and places the other on my cheek. I try to stop myself from leaning further into her hand. She lightly strokes my cheek with her thumb then slides her hand slightly down my face. She runs her thumb across my lips and I find myself kissing her thumb. Suddenly she replaces her thumb with her lips and places a gentle kiss on my lips. Momentarily stunned I don't move, when she pulls back I crash our lips together again.

I push her gently back onto the bed and settle myself above her. Her tongue swipes my lower lip, asking for access to my mouth. Access that I couldn't deny her, even if I wanted too. As our tongues meet and begin a slow wrestle for dominance a moan escapes into the room, I'm not sure which one of us it came from. I feel her hands caress my back, gently massaging the knotted muscles, as her tongue massages mine. Each time she presses down harder on a knotted muscle I grind my hips into hers. I slip one of my legs in between her and press it tightly against her centre. At the contact, she breaks our kiss and groans loudly into the room. Kissing my way down her throat I feel her hands on my shoulders, lightly pushing me back.

"Sara." She gasps as I lightly nip her pulse point then swipe the nip with my tongue to ease the sting. "Sara, we have to stop. Baby, please."

"No, I don't want to." I mumble into her neck.

Pushing harder on my shoulders making me look at her she says, "Sweetheart, we've got to stop before we go too far. I want you better before we make this decision. Before we decide if this is what you really want."

The arousal induced haze lifts from me slightly as I gaze down at her. "You're beautiful." I tell her. She is, with her hair fanned out about her, lust in her eyes and her lips swollen from out kissing. "You really are, truly beautiful. No matter what happens, I want you to know that I meant it. Every word I said in that message, I meant it. I'm in love with you Catherine and there's nothing I can do to stop it." I get off her and move to the bathroom before she sees the tears I have been fighting back fall.

Concentrating too much on splashing water onto my face to hide my tears I don't hear Catherine come into the bathroom. It's only when I reach for the towel that I realise that she's in here with me. Jumping slightly as she places a towel in my hands I turn to face her. All the colour drains from my face when I see that she's crying. As I move to draw her into a cuddle, she holds her hand up to stop me.

"You cannot say something like that, then just walk away and not give me a chance to reply." She says through her own tears. "I feel the same, Sara. You have no idea how much you've come to mean to me. I'm in love with you too, Sara. I know you don't believe me but I do and I'm going to prove that to you. Starting today." She tells me, moving closer to me. Wrapping her arms around my neck, for the second time this morning, she places a gentle kiss on my lips. "Starting with breakfast. When you've unpacked your bag, and got cleaned up, come downstairs. I'm going to get breakfast started."

After Catherine leaves the bathroom, I turn to look at myself in the mirror. I can't believe that she loves me. I'm almost too scared to believe it. But I do. Deep down I really do. Shocked into action by my revelation I quickly move to the bedroom and dump all my clothes back into the drawers and make my way downstairs to the kitchen. To Catherine.

My Catherine.


	7. Chapter 7

**A.N. Once again to **_**Sofrost **_**for the beta :) **

**A.N. Thanks to everyone who has r & r'd. It means a lot that you have taken the time to look at it. Also, sorry for the lack of updates. I start a new chapter after posting. It's slow way of doing it but thats how i work.**

**Disclaimer: Not mine and never will be. Sadly.**

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**Chapter 7**

**Catherine's POV**

After I left Sara's room I started to mentally kick myself with every step I took. It was stupid to tell her I felt the same without cautioning her that I need to speak to Lindsay first. I try to discuss every life changing decision I make with her. Since her dad died, I've tried to include her in almost every aspect of my life. Especially when it affects her in such a big way. I know that she will be fine about me dating a woman. We've already had that discussion. As young as my little girl is she's very mature for her age. She understood the different kinds of love and as long as it's between two consenting adults it's, almost always, never wrong. My worry with Lindsay is how she would react to me dating Sara.

In the kitchen I start the coffee maker and move to stand at the back door, overlooking the yard, while it percolates. I know I said I'd make breakfast but all the energy seemed to have left me. The short journey from upstairs, away from Sara, to the kitchen has left me wracked with doubt. Would Lindsay be able to accept the woman who failed to catch her father's killer as her mother's girlfriend? I know that she likes Sara. She asks about her all the time and, in Lindsay's words, she's 'cool' and 'awesome.' I think Lindsay likes Sara as much as she likes the boys, her 'uncles'. But would that be enough? Unfortunately I can't answer the questions running through my head, only Lindsay can do that and I want to wait until she comes home before asking her. In the meantime I run the risk of losing Sara.

I don't know if she'll accept my explanation or if she'll see it as a rejection of her and her love. I have no idea whether she'll be able to put her feelings on hold and maybe, possibly bury them forever if Lindsay doesn't want her in our lives. I have very little worries about Sara interacting with Lindsay. I know that she'll be fine. I've seen her. I love how she talks to Lindsay, how she responds to her. I've seen them both together on the few occasions when Lindsay has been at the lab. I know that Sara claims to be no good with kids but they gravitate to her. She has a gentleness and compassion with them. She doesn't make them feel belittled, stupid or wrong just because they have been the victim of a crime. She answers their questions with honesty and doesn't try to palm them off with easy answers to their most difficult questions. She talks to them as if they were adults.

I have no idea how long I've stood at the back door but as if my thought had the power to conjure her up, Sara enters the kitchen. She softly walks over to me and wraps her arms around my waist and rests her chin on my shoulder to look over the back yard with me. I don't know how long we stood like that and selfishly I don't really care. I relish the feel of her arms around me and the heat radiating from her.

"Aren't you supposed to be making breakfast?" She whispers into my ear. Feeling the lump that's already in my throat tighten, as she holds me closer to her I nod my head. Gently she forces me to turn around and look her in the eye.

"What's wrong? You meant what you said, didn't you? You weren't messing with me, just to get me to stay, were you?" She asks with fear in her voice.

"God, no, Sara, never. I meant everything I said." I tell her as sincerely as I can.

"But....?"

"I'd love to lie to you and say that there's no 'but.' But there is. It's Lindsay. I need to speak to her. I need to find out if she's ok with me dating you." I feel her stiffen and watch sadly as she pulls away.

"And if she isn't ok with us dating? What happens then? Where does that leave us?" She asks looking into my eyes.

"Honestly?" She nods her head, looking serious and scared. "I have no idea." I take her hand and lead her into the front room and pull her down onto the sofa with me. "Sara, you aren't just any woman, you have to understand that. To me you are the most amazing woman I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. But to Lindsay, you are the woman who investigated the father's murder."

"What you mean is, I'm the woman who _failed_ to bring her father's murderer to justice?" She fires at me hotly, trying to pull away from me and stand up.

"No Sara, she knows that you did everything that you could given the circumstances. It wasn't the best crime scene that we've ever had. She knows that, we both do. You did better than could be expected. But I could still choke Grissom for giving you the case. I didn't want you to investigate it; I wanted you to be the one who comforted us. I wanted you by my side telling us that it was all going to be ok." Unable to keep my emotions away any longer, I turn from her and bury my head in my hands and cry. Everything that has happened over the last few days comes out. The uncertainty at hearing Sara's phone call, panicking when I found her in the bath tub. The worry I felt waiting at the hospital and relief when I was finally told that she was ok and being able to see her, touch her, for myself. Throughout the past couple of days, the only thought that has been constant in my mind, is how much I love her. And now I might lose her because Lindsay might not be able to accept us dating.

I feel Sara's arm go across my shoulder and I waste no time burying my head between her neck and shoulder. The force that I, unintentionally, used forced her back against the arm of the sofa. Refusing to let go of Sara, my body follows hers until I'm practically lying on top of her. I briefly thought that I must look like a blubbering mess, but as quickly as the thought came into my head it left. At this point I'm more concerned about losing Sara than how I look, especially when she's finally within my reach after all these years.

I have no idea how long I cried or how long I had been lying in Sara's arm but I must have drifted off to sleep. When I awoke later I was on the sofa alone, covered with the throw from the back of the sofa.

"Sara?" I called for her as I sat up. Wiping the sleep from my tear swollen eyes. I listen intently to the sounds of my house, desperately hoping to hear some sound of movement from within. Hearing nothing I get up to investigate.

After checking all of the downstairs I carefully go upstairs. I check Lindsay's room, my room and my bathroom. When I check Sara's room I notice that her stuff is still in her room. I'm relieved and worried that her stuff is still here, but she's not. At least I've not found her. Yet. After I leave Sara's room, I turn towards the bathroom. I knock gently on the door and call her name, praying to God that she's either on the toilet or having a nice relaxing bath. When I don't get an answer I slowly push the door open. I've no idea when, but I've closed my eyes. When I hear the door hit the wall. I take a couple of deep breaths to steady myself, and then I open my eyes.

The whole of the bathroom is open to me. Taking all of it in the, all the breath in my lungs rapidly leaves my body. Suddenly I feel very light headed. I take a couple of steps towards the tub at the other end of the room before everything goes black and I have the vague sensation of falling.

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Thanks for reading.

Freddie


	8. Chapter 8

**_A.N. Once again to Sofrost for the beta :) _**

**_A.N. Although it has been beta'd, i've gone back and changed a few things. Any mistakes that you find please don't hesitate to let me know, either by PM or in review. I do actually read them even if i'm extremely slow in answering them. Thanks to all for reading :)_**

**_Disclaimer: Not mine and never will be. Sadly._**

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**Chapter 8**

**Sara's POV**

_Mackenzie Taylor was, apparently, a happy, healthy 24 your old university student. Attending the UNLV, majoring in English literature. Working part time in a coffee house around the corner from her campus. Her family, friends, colleagues, employers and professors didn't know that she harboured a terrible secret. A secret so bad, or at least she thought, that the last way out she could run away from it was to kill herself. Mackenzie, or Mac as she was known to everyone, was the victim of a terrible rape nine years ago when she was on holiday with her family. She never told anyone except her diary. It described in great detail the torment that she went through at the hands of a sadistic rapist at the age of fifteen. She told how she was grabbed off the beach and dragged into an unused life guard shed just off the beach and subjected to four hours of derogation and abuse. He finally let her go with a warning, that if she ever told anyone he would come after her and her family. Being fifteen and scared she went home, got cleaned up and tried to get on with her life. Leaving her diary as the only witness to the horrific trauma she went through. Unfortunately she couldn't get on with her life and that was how she came into my life._

At some point during the conversation with Brass I had move away from Catherine's front porch. The whole conversation got me agitated and I start to pace. Pacing is how I try to calm myself down. Usually it helps but talking to Brass, pacing a hole in Catherine's porch isn't helping as it usually does. Sometime during the conversation I leave the porch and start walking down the street. When Brass had finished telling me all the information they had collected about Mackenzie he tells me not to worry about it, her parents had been informed and her body had been signed over to them. Closing my cell phone, I stop in my tracks. Shutting my eyes I tilt my head up towards the sky and inhale deeply. When I open my eyes again I finally take in my surroundings. It was then that I had realise how far I have strayed from Catherine's house. I turn and head back in the direction that I had come from. Thankfully my feet took notice of the direction I had walked even if my brain hadn't. Stepping onto the front porch I check the time on my phone. I silently pray that Catherine would still be asleep, but I don't have high hopes of it. I have been out of the house for forty-five minutes. I know that she would panic if she awoke to find me missing.

I gently push open the front door and call to her. Hearing no reply I close the door behind me and head off into the front room. I notice immediately that the couch is empty. Damn, she's awake and I'm in a whole world of trouble. Checking the kitchen I find it empty and the back yard is the same. Taking a deep breath I head for the foot of the stairs.

"Catherine? Are you up there?" I listen intently. When I get no reply I swallow down my fear that I've pissed her off and start the climb. For a regular home stair case it's one hell of a trek. I don't know if I'm just imagining it but I'm sure there wasn't this many stairs when I went up them last night or when I came down them this morning. Finally reaching the top of the stairs I look down the hall way. All the doors are open, and I'm sure they were closed when I left my room this morning. I feel my heart rate increase when I remember that I left the front door unlocked and unguarded. I instinctively reach for my gun; groping the empty space by my hip, I remember that I don't have it. It's in my room at the other end of the hall. Shit.

I creep closer to the first open door and peak in, it's Lindsay's room. A quick glance tells me that nothing has been disturbed. Stepping further into the room I'm happy that everything is where it should be. Leaving Lindsay's room I move across the hall and hug the wall, moving quietly to Catherine's room. Looking in nothing seems out of place. I take a quick look into her bathroom. I release a breath that I hadn't realised that I had been holding in. Everything looks fine in Catherine's room and bathroom. I stop briefly at her bed and sit down. A wave of dizziness sweeps over me. I wait on her bed until my equilibrium returns, breathing in and out steadily. When it passes and I feel able to, I go back out into the hall and head for my room. Hugging the wall again I glance into the main bathroom as I pass. I continue on past but suddenly stop dead in my tracks. I go back to the bathroom door. Laying face down on the cold tile floor is Catherine.

Kneeling by her side I gently feel her neck for a pulse, thankfully I find it. Air rapidly escapes my lungs in relief as I check her over, looking for any obvious signs of injury. As I gently massage her neck and skull, looking for any sign that she's been hurt, she moans softly and stirs.

"Cath, please keep still. I'm trying to assess your injuries. I think someone may have been in the house and attacked you. Please try not to move." I'm scared that if she has some kind of head or spinal injury she could make it worse if she tries to move. I'm thankful for the first aid courses I've been on, the training instinctively kicks in. I should have called 911 though, once I'm certain that she's fine I will. Fear drives me to make sure that she's ok; I can't loose the most precious thing in my life. I know I tried to end my life, but that was before. Before I knew that she loved me. Deep in concentration her voice startles me.

"Sara? Where the hell were you? What happened?" She asks groggily from her position on the floor. Relief floods my senses at hearing her voice. I feel tears prick my eyes and a lump form in my throat. Coughing slightly to try and clear my throat, I answer her.

"Yeah it's me, Cath. Brass called to give me an update about a case I was working so I stepped outside so we didn't wake you. I think someone may have come into the house and attacked you. I moved away from the door but I didn't lock it. I'm sorry, Cath, it's my fault. I should have...." I tell her in a rush, but she cuts me off mid-ramble.

"Sara, shut up and help me up." She laughs lightly. "There's no one in the house, I fainted when I was looking for you."

"But....." I start but she just cuts me off again. Maybe I should get her to the hospital if she's passing out. I briefly wonder if her passing out might be a sign of something more serious.

"Just help me up. Have you lain on this floor recently? It's cold and hard." She laughs moving to her knees holding onto my forearms for support. For the first time since I came into the bathroom I can see the whole of her face. She stays there looking at me as I run my eyes over face continuing my assessment of her injuries. Thankfully she doesn't look like she's going to bruise but all that could change in the next couple of hours. I really want to get her to the hospital. Suddenly she launches herself at me, slapping every bit of me she could. Trying to stop her we fall back until my back is flush against the floor with her on top of me still hitting me. I wrap my arms around her and pull her to me, trying to restrict her range. Finally she stops hitting me and I'm shocked to feel tears raining down onto my neck as she starts to calm down. I'm too shocked from her attacking me to form actual words so I just wrap my arms tightly around her and let her cry herself out. Quietly I feel my own tears joining hers.

After a while, when both our tears have stopped and the gut wrenching sobs coming from Cath have subsided. I break the silence that has descended in the bathroom.

"Cath?" I ask quietly, scared that I might set her off again. I've no idea why she attacked me like that, but it scared me. Not Cath attacking me but whatever the reason behind her assault was.

"Mmm?"

"You were right about this floor." I joke, hoping she'll get the hint and want to move. She raises her head from my neck and looks me straight in the eye. I can't quite place what I see there but it shocks me to the core and the lump returns to my throat, making it difficult to breathe or speak.

"Yeah, it's cold and hard. Isn't it?" She asks in a whisper. I nod my head to agree with her. "Come on let's get you off this floor and into your room, ok?" I nod again not really trusting my voice at the moment. When she looked at me her eyes were awash with her unshed tears. I could see into the depths of her soul. I can see her fragile, closely guarded heart. All the cracks that had been made there by selfish uncaring people who were only out to get what they wanted from her, not caring whether or not they left her broken. I never want to be the person to do that.

As we get up from the cold tiled floor I decide that I'm going to do whatever it takes to not break her heart. I don't want to be one of those people. I don't want to be just another crack on her heart. I want to be the one to help her heal; I want her to be the one to heal me. I'm willing to let her in. I know it won't be easy but I want to try, I'm ready and willing to try. As we help each other into the spare room I decide to take the bull by the horns, so to speak.

"Cath, when's Lindsay come back?" I ask quietly trying to keep my voice neutral.

"Um, she's back in a couple of days. Why? Are you that anxious to take me out?" She says laughing as we both sit on the edge of the bed.

"Yeah, no, um....a bit of both." I admit quietly. "Look the reason I'm asking is, no matter what she says I still want, no, I _need_ you in my life. Even if we are just friends. I still want to do all the things that friends do. Even with Lindsay, she's an amazing kid, Cath. Such an amazing kid, she's growing up to be a credit to you. I love spending time with her, even if it's just doing her homework with her. As stupid as it sounds I love being friends with her too." I stop to take a deep breath and try to steady my voice. At some point Cath had slipped her hand into mine, she gently squeezed my fingers letting me know that she was listening. "I just don't want anything to change. You guys have helped me on the road to healing; I want to return the favour."

"Sara, there's no favour to be returned. You've helped us both so much, you have no idea. Lindsay is doing so much better at school. She's no longer fighting, her grades have picked up and she's my little girl again." She says smiling at me with tears rolling down her cheeks. "It's like when we both needed you, you were finally able there. Thinking back on it now, even when you were investigating Eddie's murder you were still there for us both. You saw things from my point of view and Lindsay's point of view. That was something special, I'm still mad at Gil for giving you the case but I'm also grateful. If you came to give us comfort then, I don't think I would have been able to accept it and you." She stares at me and for a moment her eyes narrow in concentration. "Did you manage to get any sleep earlier? You still look tired."

"I got _some_ sleep, not a lot, it was more like dozing, really." I confess sheepishly looking down at our joined hands, amazed at how perfect her small slender finger look intertwined with my longer ones. "But I'm not tired, honest." And like the traitorous wretch my body is, I yawn. A full yawn, with a small spine popping stretch thrown in for good measure. Once my ears have fully popped and I can hear Cath giggling beside me. Something clicks in my head and I realise that she's laughing at me, so I launch myself at her. Straddling her thighs I push her back on the bed and tickle her.

"God, Sara, stop my sides can't take it." She wheezes holding onto my elbows trying to stop me.

"Nope, you laughed at me. Just because I yawned, you thought that was funny?" I reply no letting up my assault on her sensitive sides and stomach.

"No, it was cute. You looked cute, that's why I giggled. Honest, you looked so adorable. Please stop tickling me, I can't take it anymore." She gasps underneath me. Taking pity on her I move to lie beside her on the bed. Immediately she rolls onto her side and snuggles into me. Instinctively I wrap my arm around her shoulders, drawing her closer to me. I love the feel of her in my arms; it feels 'right.' It feels like this is where I belong.

"What case was it Brass called you about?" She asks after she gets her breath back. Not wanting to lie, but not really ready to have this conversation, I try to body swerve it.

"It was something and nothing. Actually, you know what, I am feeling tired. Do you mind?" I ask moving up to the head of the bed.

"Oh right, sure. I'll just leave you to get some rest." She says moving to get up. As she sits on the edge of the bed, I suddenly feel very cold without her body beside me.

"Catherine? Would you mind staying with me?" I ask hesitantly. "It's just; I feel better knowing that you're nearby." I say quietly too embarrassed to meet her eyes.

She walks to the head of the bed and forces my eyes up to meet hers. "Never be ashamed to ask for help Sara, ok? Of course I'll stay with you while you rest." She says laying back down beside me. Settling back down on top of the covers I lie on my side facing her. She wraps her arm around my shoulders, encouraging me to move closer. Resting my head on her shoulder and draping my arm over her stomach I drift off into a dreamless slumber.

Waking up a little while later, I'm secretly pleased that Cath is still with me. Although I don't think she really had much choice in the matter anyway. Sometime during my sleep I migrated from beside her to laying half on top of her. I have my head on her shoulder, my arm wrapped tightly around her waist and my leg is slung over both of hers. I snuggle in tighter to her as she runs her fingers through my hair; I never knew such a simple action could be so calming.

"Want to talk about it?"

"What?" I'm amazed that she knew I was awake but confused about what she's asking me. There are plenty things I could tell her, given time.

"The phone call that took you out of the house and why you were so frantic when you came back in?" She asks quietly, as though she doesn't want to scare me off.

"I told you why I freaked out. I had left the front door unlocked; I came in and found you passed out on the bathroom floor. Have you ever walked in on someone passed out on the floor? It's easy to misinterpret the situation and think the worst." I tell her sitting up and moving away from her embrace. I turn to look at her. Remembering my earlier thoughts of getting her to the hospital to get her checked out. "Why did you pass out? Are you sick? Do you need to see a doctor?" I ask placing my hand on her forehead to feel for a temperature.

"Sara, I'm fine, honest. I think I was just overcome with emotion. When I woke up and you weren't there I went to look for you. I had checked all of the downstairs and you weren't there so I came upstairs. I guess watching the PD clearing a scene has taught me a lot." She chuckles. "I came up here and went through each of the rooms. The bathroom was the last place I looked. I think subconsciously I was scared to look in there, cos when it came to it I was shaking with fear. I knocked on the door and called to you but there was no answer. I'm sorry Sara, I assumed the worst." She says taking my hand in hers and turning it over to study the stitches in my wrist. "I thought you had tried to kill yourself again while I was asleep. When I opened up the door and you weren't there, I guess the relief was a bit too much and I passed out."

She lets go of my hand and covers her eyes as she starts to cry. Guilt and shame floods through me as tears fall through her fingers. I wrap my arms around her and whisper words of sincere apologies to her. I hadn't really realised how much I had hurt her. I had no idea how she really felt for me up until three days ago, I thought she loathed me. That she couldn't stand the sight of me. I never dreamed that she might feel the same, that she'd feel for me what I feel for her. I let her cry herself out on my shoulder, and I quietly join her. The last few days seem to have been nothing but tears and sleeping for us.

"You never told me what Brass called about." She sniffs. Trust Cath to go back to a subject I'm not really ready to talk about. Taking a deep breath I plunge in, knowing that this time it won't go away if I ignore it. I see this as my chance to start opening up to her, to start trusting her. Taking a deep breath I begin to explain.

"The day I tried to kill myself I was working on a DB found in an abandoned railway arch." I stop as the memory of Mackenzie washes over me. The sight of her body laying on the soiled mattress. The vile stench that hung in the air. "Her name was Mackenzie Taylor. She was only 24 years old when she died, when she killed herself. It was seeing the....peace on her face that helped me make up my mind. You see I was jealous of her. She had managed to do what I had wanted to do for years, and failed. She had managed to leave behind her pain and her demons." I stop to look into her face and I see questions there. Questions I think I know. After another deep breath to steal myself against her reaction, I continue. "I left her, Cath. I logged a call with dispatch, told them that I had been taken away on a personal matter and that they needed to send another CSI, and then I left her. I just couldn't stay there any longer. Not when all I was feeling was jealousy. It was unprofessional. I never pitied her, I hated her, I wanted what she had and I decided to get it."

"Oh, Sara." She gasps. When I look at her, her face is awash with tears. Looking into her eyes, I'm surprised that all I see is understanding. I thought that she would hate me.

"You don't hate me for being selfish and abandoning her? For being unprofessional?" I ask, unable to believe that she isn't angry at me for abandoning a suspected crime scene.

"No, I don't." She says softly. For some reason her understanding unsettles me.

"You should." I shout, startling her and myself. I move away from her and start pacing the floor. "You should hate me, I hate me. I couldn't even do my job. I left her there. I was jealous of her, a victim, and I left her there. Does that seem professional to you?"

"Sara, what could you do? She was already dead and you knew why. It wasn't like we were hunting her killed." Cath says, her voice is calm and reassuring. "There was nothing else you could do for her. You followed procedure; you did nothing to be ashamed of." I stand staring out of the window, letting her words sink in. I hear her get up from the bed and move to stand behind me. "Sara, I don't want to push things but, you don't _just_ see that someone has killed themselves and then decide to do it yourself. Have you....have you felt like that before?" She asks placing her hand on my shoulder. I hear her take a deep breath, and then she asks, "Sara, have you ever tried to kill yourself before?"

"Yes." I answer her honestly. I expect her to stare at me with pity in her eyes, maybe look at me like I'm crazy or something, but when I sneak a look at her from the corner of my eye, she has tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Oh, Sara." Before I can even do or say anything, she has wrapped her arms me. "Oh, Sara, why would you want to do something like that?"

"I have my reasons, Cath." I whisper into her hair. "I live with a perpetual and maybe an unrational fear that my past will come back to me. That I one day I could be the perpetrator for hurt, pain and everything that I hate. You've seen what I'm like when I have a nightmare? I have that playing in my head all the damn time. I can control it when I'm awake, but sometimes I can feel _him_ coming out of me. It's so tiring trying to be in control all the time when I see everything over and over again, playing in my mind like a broken projector." I tell her holding on a little tighter than before.

"What do you see, Sara? What haunts you?" She asks, turning her eyes to me. Looking into the depths of her eyes I see nothing but concern and curiosity. I find myself getting lost in her eyes I almost forget what we're talking about. Suddenly a shrill noise coming from the hallway, breaks my search of her soul and eyes. It takes me a second to recognise the noise.

"Cath, that's your phone." I tell her sighing with disappointment. "Don't you think you should answer it?"

"What? Oh yeah, I guess I had better." She says stepping away from me and heading towards the bedroom door.

Saved by the bell, I guess.

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**Thanks for reading :)**


	9. Chapter 9

**A_.N. Once again thanks to Sofrost for the beta :) _**

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**Chapter 9**

**Catherine's POV**

Tearing myself away from Sara I rush to answer the phone before whoever it is hangs up. Snatching up the handset I hope whoever it is has a valid reason for disturbing us.

"What?" I bark into the mouth piece.

"Mummy?" Oh God. Lindsay. The irritation I was feeling moments ago quickly evaporates and guilt invades me just as quickly.

"Hey Baby, how is Disney Land?" I ask, trying to swallow down my ever rising guilt. Although Lindsay has never been far in my thoughts, she hasn't been my primary thought for the last couple of days.

"Is everything ok, mummy? You sound a bit angry and upset. Did I wake you up?" She asks in a small voice that makes me feel even worse.

"No Baby, you didn't wake me up. Everything is fine; I just, uh, stubbed my toe before I picked up the phone, that's all." I tell her, finally sitting down on the bed. "So how is Disney Land?" I ask hoping she'll buy my lie and forget about me being harsh with her moments before. I try to relax as I anticipate Lindsay telling me all about how 'cool' it is meeting all the princesses. Instead she manages to shock me.

"Mummy, I want to come home." She says fighting back tears. I can hear her voice squeak a little the way it usually does when she's upset. Something obviously upset her and I want to know what.

"Why, Baby? I thought you were having a good time. Why do you want to come home?"

"I was, but Jeremy hurt his arm and we can't play together as much. It's kind of boring now. I have no one to play with. Aunt Nancy is too scared to go on the rides that I like and she can't really leave Jeremy, and Jeremy can't go on the rides because of his cast and sling." She tells me, openly crying the way that upset children do without shame or embarrassment.

"Lindsay, what exactly did Jeremy do to his arm?" I ask, the mother in me coming to the fore. I already have a good idea what has happened to his arm, but I'd still like a little confirmation.

"The doctor said that it is broken."

"How did he manage that?" I ask, my voice rising again, this time with worry. "What ride was he on?" Lindsay's little girl laughter trickles down the line and I feel my brow furrow in confusion.

"That's what's so funny. He didn't hurt it on a ride; he hurt it on the jungle gym showing off to some older kids. He was trying to hang upside, but when he tried to hook his legs over the bar he slipped and fell on his arm." She says giggling.

"Lindsay Willows, it is not funny." I scold her but she just giggle harder. Unfortunately her giggling is infectious. Trying hard to maintain an air of authority and keep my laughter down and not let her know that I'm laughing along with her, I bite my lip to try and stem my giggles. "Lindsay, you know it's no fun wearing a cast. Now stop laughing and put your Aunt on the phone, please?"

"Ok, Mummy." She sighs. "But it really was funny." She giggles.

"Lindsay." Thankfully the tone of my voice seems to hold enough warning for her to listen to me.

"Ok, I'll get Aunty Nancy." She mumbles into the phone. I hear a gentle click as she places the phone on the table. I kind of feel sorry for their neighbours at the hotel as I hear Lindsay run and shout for Nancy. I hear Nancy's distant voice ask Lindsay to keep it down to a dull roar. Nancy's footsteps come closer and I can hear her mutter about hyper active kids before lifting the phone from the table.

"Hello?"

I toy with the idea of winding her up but she sounds so tired and beat.

"Hey Sis, how are you holding up?" I ask. I feel totally sympathetic towards her, looking after a sick Jeremy and a bored Lindsay is not a situation I'd want to be in.

"Just, I think. Did Lindsay tell you that we are coming home early?" She sighs.

"Yeah she did. When do you think you'll be back in Vegas?"

"I'm hoping we'll be back in town by tomorrow afternoon. We're going to head out in the morning. I thought I'd give the kids enough time to have one last night and buy some gifts for people." She says wearily. I can understand why she might feel that way, driving for four hours plus with two young kids would take a lot of patience. It dawns on me that Sara and Lindsay will be meeting sooner that I had actually hoped they would. We'd also be having 'the' conversation sooner rather than later.

"Um, Nancy, I have something to tell you." Taking a deep breath and launch into an abbreviated version of Sara and the reason she'll be staying with us for a little while. Her reaction is exactly what I expected it to be. Worried that I'm taking on too much and that I'll end up hurt. I assure her that I'm a big girl and I know what I'm doing. Unfortunately I don't. After a brief talk with Lindsay I hang up, pleased that she's so excited to get home now, even if it is only to see Sara.

Lindsay is coming home. Lindsay is coming home. Oh my God, _Lindsay is coming home. _I've never had a panic attack before but this must be what it's like. The whole room is spinning and pitching in front of my eyes. My heart is beating so fast, I swear it's going to beat out of my chest. I feel sweat pool at my arm pits and my hands feel like they have been steeped in water. My breath is coming out in short painful gasps, making me feel even dizzier. My stomach muscles contracts painfully making me feel very nauseous. Standing up from the bed I make my way to my bathroom, if I'm going to vomit I can at least make sure that it's easy to clean up. Unfortunately my plans don't go the way I want them to. As soon as my legs take my full weight, my vision tunnels, I get hot flashes and I crash to the ground. Lying on the ground l feel my throat tighten making it even harder to breath. I'm really starting to panic when I hear someone call my name from afar. Suddenly I see Sara's face appear in front of me. I try to speak to her but I'm unable to form any words. I must look like a fish out of water.

"Cath, look at me. I need you to listen to me and do what I say, ok?" I hear her ask. Her voice sounds distant and echo-y. I've no idea if she can understand me or not but I try to let her know that I trust her and I know I'm safe with her. "I think you're having a panic attack and I think I might be able to help you but you need to try and do what I say, ok? I'll do it with you. Just concentrate on me ok, breath in through your nose for the count of five. One, two, three, four, five and exhale for five. One. Two, three, four, five. That's it, you're doing fine."

I continue to follow Sara's instructions and after a while I start to feel better. My skin has a layer of sweat covering it and in my air conditioned bedroom I involuntarily shiver. Mistaking the shiver, Sara urges me to stand up and directs me to my bed. Sitting back against the headboard she wraps her arm around my shoulders and guides my head to her shoulder. I can feel her running her fingers through my damp hair, at any other time it would feel nice, but just now it doesn't feel so great.

"Want to talk about it?" She asks. I know I have to tell her but I don't want to. How is she going to react to Lindsay coming home earlier than I thought? "How about we start with who was on the phone, then?"

So this is it, I guess. "Lindsay."

"Oh, how is she enjoying Disney Land?" She asks.

"She's not." I say and I know it's going to lead to more questions but if I can hold out a little longer I might be able to enjoy being in Sara's arms a little longer.

"Oh, why is she not enjoying it? Are the rides to scary for her?" When she asks that I can't help laugh.

"No, Lindsay is fearless. If she could have she'll have gone on ever ride there. Knowing her she would have tried to get on rides that she's too small for." I tell her, extremely proud of my fearless little warrior princess.

"Ah right." She says understanding a little bit of what it takes to keep up with my little girl. "So....why is she not enjoying it then?" She asks slowly.

I raise my head up from her shoulder and look her in the eyes. Now is the time I've been trying to put off, I have to tell her that Lindsay will be home tomorrow and we'll have to face the little spit fire and her reaction to the fact that Sara and I are in love and want to be together.

"Jeremy broke his arm and Lindsay's bored not having her play pal." That part was easy, now the tough part. "Nancy is having a hard time looking after Jeremy and trying to keep Lindsay entertained. Unfortunately she's not doing a very good job of it. So they'll be back tomorrow afternoon."

Sara lies looking up at me with shock and fear in her eyes.

"They're coming back tomorrow? Does Lindsay know that I'm here? Does she know how we feel about each other? Did you tell her yet?" She asks her breathing becoming almost erratic as mine was earlier.

"Calm down, Sara." I gently tell her, cupping her face in my hand, forcing her to look at me. "Yes, Lindsay knows that you are her, and she can't wait to see you. She's really excited about it. I haven't told her about our feelings yet or that we want to date. I thought we could wait a couple of days and let you both get reacquainted. How does that sound?" Thankfully her breathing has slowed down but she still has fear in her eyes. Who would have thought that the big bad Sara Sidle would be afraid of little Lindsay Willows? It's almost funny, well it would have been if we didn't have our hearts riding on her reaction to us as a couple.

The next few hours passed by with the both of us worrying about Lindsay and what she'll say. We spent the rest of the day just lazing around, well trying to laze around. We'd take it in turns to pace around the house, trying to read various papers, magazines and books. From time to time one of us would break the silence and ask if the other wanted from the kitchen. After dinner Sara and I cleared away the dinner plates and I spend time cleaning up the kitchen. When I return to the living room I notice that Sara is lying on the couch with her head turned towards the television. Stopping in the door way I watch as the light from the television plays across her skin. Even with the translucent light blanching her skin, she is still beautiful. Her hair is swept back from her face, tucked safely behind the shell of her ear. Her eyes look closed from the position that she's in but I know that she's not asleep. Her nostrils flare slightly as she breaths in and out. Something is obviously troubling her. Her mouth is set in a pout. It's really adorable. If I was a gambling woman I'd bet a month's wage that what's troubling her is the exact same thing that's troubling me. My little girl. I watch her in silence for a few more minutes but after she lets out another sigh I decide to break my silence.

"Penny for them?" I ask coming to stand behind the couch. She looks up at me from her position on the couch and I feel my breath catch in my throat. She extends her hand to me and I take it, lightly kissing the knuckles.

"Lie with me?" She asks quietly.

I don't answer her. I just let go of her hand and move around to the front of the couch. Sara turns onto her side with her back pressed tightly against the back of the couch and I sit on the edge. I look into her eyes and all I see is seriousness and fear. I love the serious side of her not just the little playful scenes I have witnessed in the past. Unfortunately I've never been lucky enough to experience her playfulness, but I hope that will change.

"Um, if I fall asleep will you still be here when I wake up?" I ask her with a smirk. Thankfully, she caught on to the playful tone in my voice and plays along. She pretends to think about it then a grin breaks out on her lips.

"Well, that all depends." She says wrapping her arm around my waist and gently guides me to lie down beside her. Her fingers gently massaging a strip of skin that had been exposed when I lay down.

"Depends on what?" I ask looking over my shoulder at her.

"Well, it depends on whether or not you......." she says in a low husky voice lowering her lips to my ear. "Snore." She finishes in a giggle.

Damn the tone of her voice had stoked the fire of lust that had started burning years ago. I hear her giggling through my lust induced haze. Hang on, snore? I don't snore!

"Hey, I don't snore." I tell her, reaching my hand over and playfully slapping her on her behind.

"No, you're right you don't snore. It's more like the snuffling sound a little puppy makes when it's nuzzling into your neck, you know? Like this." She says as she gently nuzzles my neck with her nose and lips. Damn, I think the central heating must be broken.

"Sara." I say, moaning her name. "Sara, Please." I beg her, turning my face towards hers.

"Please, what?"

"Please, kiss me?" I whisper.

Her eyes flick from my eyes to my lips and back again. Slowly she leans forwards but stops just as our lips are about to touch. I can feel breath ghost over my lips, my eyes close on their own, anticipating the velvety touch of her lips.

"Are you sure?" She whispers.

"Not really, no, but please?"

As her lips gently graze over mine, I see stars. As she presses her lips harder against mine I twist my body around to press tight against hers. A low moan escapes her throat and she pulls back and it's my turn to moan.

"Cath we can't. You know we can't." She gasps. I know what she means but it doesn't mean I have to like it.

"I know, I know. Do I have to move, though?" I ask.

"No, sweetheart, you don't have to move." She says wrapping her arms around me tighter, pulling me closer to her. Laying my head against her shoulder and my hand over her heart I feel sadness steal over me. This may be the last time we get to lie in her arms.

I fight to stay awake but it's proving difficult. I look up to her face and see her looking down at me. I reach up and stroke her face. She covers my hand with hers and turns her face into the palm of my head and kisses it.

"You know, I really do love you, don't you?" I ask. Begging her with my eyes to believe me. Hoping she knows that I mean it.

"I love you too." She whispers. "Try to rest. I'm guessing it'll be hectic tomorrow, what with Lindsay coming home and, um, I have my first appointment with the psychiatrist too."

"Ok, you know we might be a bit more comfortable and get a better night's sleep if we went upstairs to sleep. But...." I say to her trailing off.

"But what, Cath?"

"But, I'm comfortable here, with you." I tell her in a small voice.

"Well.....we could sleep in the same bed." She replies. "We are both adults and mature enough to control ourselves, aren't we?" She asks tickling my sides making me squirm and laugh.

"You have got to stop tickling me, it's not fair." I squeal getting up from the couch and running upstairs. I hear Sara laugh and get up off the couch to follow me. At the top of the stairs I have a choice to make. I'm certain that tonight I won't be sleeping alone. I have one more night alone in her arms and I'm going to take it, I just have to decide whose room to use. Unfortunately the choice is taken out of my hands when Sara creeps up behind me and scoops me up in her arms.

"So, your place or mine?" she chuckles.

"That's so lame." I laugh along with her. "But I think mine, its more 'homely'."

"Ok, Princess Catherine, your 'homely' castle awaits."

I tip my head back and laugh. Her playful side is showing itself a lot more with me and each time it does I find myself falling more in love with her. She deposits me on the bed and stands beside it looking down at me. She looks nervous and it's extremely cute.

"Do you want to get changed in the bathroom in the hall while I get changed in here and you can come back when you're ready?"

She's offers up a shy smile of gratitude and leans forward to place a light kiss on my forehead.

"I'll be right back, Princess." She says backing out of the room in a low bow. Her antics make me chuckle as I go to the bathroom to get ready for bed.

When I come back into my bedroom, Sara is already lying under the covers looking out the window.

"Comfy?" I ask, letting her know that I'm back in the room with her.

"Nearly, there is one thing missing though."

"Yeah, what's that?" I ask getting into the bed beside her. She turns to look at me and I feel myself melting on the spot.

"You. Come here."

"Smooth talker." I say settling in her arms once more.

Sleep claims Sara first but I'm long behind her.

* * *

Thanks for reading.

Freddie

xx

**_Disclaimer: Not mine and never will be. Sadly. _**


	10. Chapter 10

**A.N. Thanks to Sofrost for beta'ing. Sorry for the two month delay in updating, there is no excuse :( But i'm happy to announce that after a little R&R i've managed to get my head on and do something about it :)**

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**Chapter 10**

**Sara's POV**

Waking up with Catherine in my arms has to be the best feeling in the world. I don't think I've ever been this happy to wake up before. Usually when I wake up I'm exhausted and shaking from the nightmares, it seems sleeping with Catherine keeps them at bay. Without opening my eyes I pull her closer and place a kiss on the top of her head. Sighing with contentment I settle in for, hopefully, another couple of hours sleep, even if I don't manage it I'm happy to just lie here. Catherine snuggles deeper into me in response. We relax further into each other, both content to lie for as long as possible, when we hear a small childish giggle followed by a shushing sound.

My whole body tenses and I feel Catherine's do the same. My eyes spring open and I turn to look at Catherine, her eyes are open too and they mirroring what I'm feeling. Terror, sheer terror. Lindsay is home and she caught us in bed. Ok, we're just cuddling but still. Lindsay is home and the first thing she did was look for her mother, and from the shushing sound I can only assume that Nancy followed her up the stairs. So that's Lindsay and Nancy caught us before we had a chance to talk to them and prepare them for our news. I know that Catherine has also come to the same conclusion as I have. She buries her face into my shoulder and mumbles something that sounded a lot like 'busted.' Finally she lifts her head and our eyes meet again since we were awoken by the untimely arrival of Lindsay and Nancy.

"They're home." She whispers urgently. Fear creeping into her voice. "What's the time?"

I raise my arm to look at my watch, forgetting that it's not there and I'm confronted with white gauze bandages. I can't believe I had actually forgotten that I wasn't wearing a watch; instead I was currently sporting the latest fashion in futile suicide attempt chic. Seems strange now, forgetting why I'm lying in Catherine's bed with my arms around her.

"Um, I'm not sure. But I'm guessing it must be late if they're home already." I answer her in a matching whisper. "Either that or they made it home earlier than they expected."

Catherine moves away from me onto her other side to look at the clock on her bedside cabinet. I miss the warmth of her body instantly. She lets out a gasp when she sees the time on the alarm clock on her bedside table.

"What time is your appointment?" She asks, turning to look at me, mild panic in her eyes.

"Four o'clock, I'm sooo looking forward to it." I say, my voice dripping with venom and sarcasm. I really wish I didn't have to go. I don't want to leave today, I want to stay and find out how Lindsay got on at Disney Land.

"It's almost two o'clock; we'd better get up and get moving." She says getting up from the bed and going to her closet. She pulls out a beautiful baby pink satin robe and wraps it tightly around herself. With the sun sneaking through the blinds, casting her in warm sunshine she looks beautiful. "You get ready for your appointment and I'll see to my family." She smiles at me then starts towards the door but suddenly stops and turns back towards the bed. When she reaches the side she leans over and gently kisses me on the lips. "You can slip out the front door if you would rather not deal with them yet, ok? I'll keep them in the front room with the doors closed."

I nod my head and watch her go. Feeling a little sad thinking how my future could be walking out of the door with Catherine.

*************

I get myself showered and ready in half the time it usually takes me. Cleaning my wounds and changing my bandages always takes longer. When I'm clothed I step out of Catherine's bathroom, I notice the smell of coffee lurking about in the air and I see a cup of steaming coffee sitting on her bedside table with a cheese salad sandwich for me. A smile breaks out on my lips, thinking how sweet it was that Catherine took the time out to think of me when her daughter was home. Sitting on the edge of the bed I gently sip the burning liquid and contemplate eating the sandwich. I'm hungry but not as hungry as I usually am when I need to eat something. I've managed to condition my body to go long periods of time without food. Unfortunately I've not managed to condition it to run without coffee. Not wanting to be rude, I eat the sandwich along with drinking the magic coffee elixir.

Finally I'm ready, but not really willing, to go. I need to call a cab to come and take me to the clinic and I need to call soon if I'm to make it in time to my appointment. Gathering up my coffee mug and plate I head down the stairs to deposit them in the kitchen before leaving. Sneaking past the living room without being noticed, I smile lightly when I hear Lindsay and her cousin filing Catherine in their high jinks. I hesitate, wondering if I should let Catherine know that I am heading out and I'd be back in a couple of hours. I really want to see Catherine before I leave but I'm not ready to face her family, especially Lindsay. Unfortunately the decision is taken out of my hands when I hear Catherine's mumbled warning to Lindsay.

"I know mum, you've told me, like, twenty times already." I hear Lindsay's voice come closer and clearer, I realise that she's coming towards the door. "Sara is going to be staying with us for a while because of an accident or something, and I've not to annoy her." Lindsay continues, doing a very good, but dangerous imitation of her mother's voice. Panic wells up inside of me, judging by the closeness of her voice she is just the other side of the door. I look around wildly trying to figure out the best way to avoid Lindsay. I love the kid, but I'm just not ready to see her right now. Not when I have to go for a head fuck. I see the door open, as if in slow motion, and the whole living room is revealed to me. Catherine and her sister are sitting on the sofa. Jeremy, Lindsay's cousin, is sitting in one of the chairs trying hard to play his Nintendo DS with one arm in a cast. Lindsay herself is standing in the doorway, with her back to me, still talking to her mum and aunt.

"And, anyway mum, it's not as if I'm a little kid anymore, I _can_ hold an adult conversation. Plus, Sara's cool, she told me if I ever wanted to talk to her she would be right there. I'd just like to let her know that the offer is also there for her." And with that, Lindsay turned around, coming face to face with me for the first time in a few weeks. "Sara, hi. How are you?" She asks in surprise, not expecting me to be standing on the other side of the door. She doesn't hesitate to launch herself into my arms for a cuddle. I'm late to react. Nothing new there, physical closeness is something that I usually shy away from. Finally my brain kicks into gear and I return her cuddle. She steps away from me and checks me over.

Confronted with Lindsay, the one person who stands in between me and happiness, I feel trapped. I know what I want to say but this isn't really the time for it, is it?

"Hey, Lindsay." I say uncertainly. "How was the holiday?"

"It was great, until Jeremy decided to act smart and break his arm." She says, throwing her cousin a dirty look over her shoulder.

"Hey, it wasn't as if I _wanted_ to break my arm, you know Linds." He shoots back, looking wounded.

She turns back to me shaking her head and mouthing 'boys' to me. I try not to laugh as the boy in question was still looking at me. I'm grateful to her for providing me with some light relief.

"Mum says that you're going to be staying here with us for a while?"

I nod my head. My fear making itself known to me as my stomach twists up in knots and my heart accelerates again.

"Well, that's cool. I have a project that I need to complete before going back to school. You could help me, only if you don't mind though? Mum's completely useless when it comes to that sort of stuff. Are you sure that you're ok, Sara?"

I know that she's only talking about me staying for the next couple of weeks, but hearing Lindsay talk about the future makes me shrink back further into the wall. Staring at her I feel my brain kick into gear and my mouth start to open. All of a sudden I hear myself and what I hear coming out of my mouth isn't what I should be telling the girl.

"I'm in love with your mum and I'd like to be with her but only if you're ok with it. It won't change the times that we hang out, because I like spending time with you too. I love you both so much that it hurts sometimes."

I hear Nancy gasp, Catherine mutter an 'oh, no', and Jeremy laughing, obviously loving the sight of an adult that seems terrified of his cousin. Only Lindsay was still, she never moved. Not to speak or even to blink, I couldn't even see her chest move as she breathed. She opened her mouth a few times, slightly resembling a fish out of water. If it wasn't for the fact that my happiness rested on her next words the whole situation would be very funny. I search her eyes hoping to find some spark that she'll consent to the whole situation but they have glazed over. I'm not taking this as a good sign. I can tell Catherine thinks the same thing because she has left the couch and is kneeling in between Lindsay and me. All of her attention focused on Lindsay.

"Baby, are you ok?" She asks gently, cupping her face. "Lindsay, Baby, look at me, please." She pleads but Lindsay's eyes firmly fixed on mine. I've never been good with kids and, as much as I love her, Lindsay is no exception. It's thanks to her that we have the relationship that we have. Her childish innocence perforated my heart and I couldn't help love her as I fell in love with her mum.

I can feel the panic well up inside me and I have to get away. I can't bear to hear her say that she's not ok with me dating Catherine. I just couldn't bear to hear it; it would break my heart too much. A horn blast from outside interrupts Lindsay's silent inquisition and I spare a quick glance at my watch and curse the fact that I'm not wearing one. I know I must be running late by now. Gently touching Catherine's shoulder I catch her attention.

"Cath, I'm really sorry, but I have to go. I have that appointment to keep."

"Oh, yeah. I had forgotten all about that. That's fine Sara, we'll see you later." She says looking up at me, her hand covering mine. I'm torn, I want to bend down and kiss her. But a quick look at Lindsay makes me stop. Her eyes are glued to our hands on Catherine's shoulder and she has a strange look on her face. I really can't tell if she's happy or not that I'm touching her mum in such an innocent way. She didn't seem to mind walking in on us cuddling, she thought it was funny. At least her laughing indicated that she thought it was funny. I couldn't even begin to imagine what she would look like if she walked in on us making love. Another blast from the horn breaks me from my thoughts.

"I'm so sorry."

With another gently squeeze on Catherine's shoulder I bolt out of the front door and into the cab. After giving the driver the address I lean back and think about the last couple of hours. First Cath and I are caught cuddling and then I blurt out, to a child, _her_ child, that I'm in love with Cath and I want to date her. What the hell was I thinking? I wasn't. That's the problem. I was faced with the child that I love, granted she's the one who holds my future happiness in her little hands, and I spill out my feelings. To make matters worse, I don't think Lindsay was too happy about the idea of me and her mum dating. The cab finally pulls up outside the clinic. Suddenly I have a new worry. I have to go in there and talk about why I attempted suicide this time. After paying the driver I take a deep breath and head into the imposing building.

***************

Inside Dr. Windsor's office, I report to the receptionist.

"Hi, I'm Sara Sidle. I'm here to see Dr. Windsor."

"Hi, Miss Sidle, the doctor is running a little bit late." She tells me, turning her attention to her computer briefly before looking back at me. "If you wouldn't mind taking a seat." She gestures to a small waiting area, that I had missed on the way in, with a nod of her head. Smiling my thanks I move over to the overstuffed sofa and sit down.

I wonder how late 'a little bit late' is, as I lean my head back against the wall and close my eyes. Images of Lindsay's face after I let my mouth run away from me flash behind my eye lids. How could I have been so stupid? My arms drape across my stomach, as though I'm lightly holding myself, and I wish they were Catherine's arms. I know it's unbelievably selfish but I wish she was here with me, facing yet another psychiatrist I don't really feel like I have the mental strength I need to get me through this session. I know exactly what's coming, questions. '_Why did you try to kill myself?' 'How were you feeling at the time?' 'How are you feeling now?' 'Why did you try to kill yourself in the past?' 'How did you feel then?' 'Why were the past attempts different from this attempt?' 'Do you think that it's right that you have feelings for a female colleague?' 'A female colleague who has a child at that?'_ Before I have a chance to look at each question in depth and prepare my answers, I hear a door open and hushed voices conversing. I try to go back into my own thoughts, but a voice interrupts.

"Miss Sidle?" The receptionist calls me. "Dr. Windsor can see you now." She says giving me a reassuring smile when I make eye contact with her. Steeling myself, I rise and pass the receptionist. I pause at the door and take a deep breath, wondering what lies beyond. It's either going to be a clinical office, all white walls, diplomas and no personality or an office full of photos and soft calming colours on the walls. I've never been in a psychiatrist's office that has an equal balance between the professional and personal. For some reason they can't get the healthy balance. I feel the receptionists' eyes on me as I linger at the door, hesitantly I raise my eyes to meet hers and she nods encouragingly towards the door.

Bracing myself and knock on the door of the good Dr. Windsor. I hear a faint 'come in' issued from the other side. Opening the door I step in full of false confidence hoping against hope that the doctor doesn't notice.

"Ah, Miss Sidle, so pleased to meet you. I'm Dr. Elizabeth Windsor." She says coming from behind her desk to shake my hand.

"Hi, um, can you just call me Sara?" I say taking her hand. I'm surprised by how firm her grip is. Maybe subconsciously she's trying to let me know who is in charge here.

"No problem." She says with a smile. "Only if you call me Elizabeth." She adds with a smile. Letting go of Elizabeth's hand I sit in the chair in front of her desk. As she looks at a file in front of her, I guess correctly that it's my file; I take a look around her office. It seems that Elizabeth has gone for the photographs and calming colours decor. I'm examining the photographs on the furthest away wall when I feel her watching me. Not really wanting to dance to her tune, I take my time to finish looking at the rest of her office before my eyes meet hers.

"Well, it seems that your supervisor, Gil Grissom, wanted you to come and see me after you tried to kill yourself?" A shrink that doesn't beat about the bush with the facts, nothing new there. I guess it means I get out of here quicker and back to work. I nod to confirm what she already seems to know. "He also stated that these sessions are to be chalked down as voluntary. That way if anyone asks, although I am covered by doctor-patient confidentiality, I can say that you came to see me willingly and not as a referral." She says smiling.

I'm momentarily taken aback by this. I hadn't known that Gris would ask for these sessions to be recorded as a voluntary. I'm glad he's done that, it would have prayed on my mind that someone could have found out that I had tried to top myself.

"That's fine." I tell her, carefully schooling my face so she can't tell what's going on my head. I don't care what happens in this session, I just don't want her inside my head.

"Ok." She sighs. "Would you like to talk about what brought you here today?"

"You already know, I tried to kill myself and failed." I tell her, looking her straight in the eye. I get a sense of gratification as a flash of frustration flashed through her eyes. Finally she smiles at me.

"Ok, so what was the main.......factor for you trying to kill yourself this time?" She says carefully.

I take my time answering her. What should I tell her? That I tried to kill myself because I was at a scene where a young girl had managed to succeed where I had failed in the past? Or that I was at such a low point because I'm in love with a woman who I thought didn't even like me, let alone have the same feelings as me?

"If it's still too much to talk about just now we can discuss something else perhaps?"

"Like what?" I ask her not too happy about where this could lead.

"Like work? Or what you do to relax? That sort of thing. Or anything else that you can think of. I'm open to any topic of conversation." She says smiling.

I rack my brains thinking of something that we could talk about that would keep the conversation away from me.

"What made you become a psychiatrist?" I ask her. The look on her face shows that she wasn't expecting me to ask that question. Finally she smiles.

"Well, I became a psychiatrist in order to help people. I found out when I was an intern that the blood and gore wasn't really for me." She says smiling with a distant look in her eyes. "But I really wanted to help people and my mentor at the time suggested psychiatry for me. The more I read up on the field the more I was drawn to it. So I applied to the psyche department for my rotation special and as they say the rest is history." She smiles expanding her arms to show off her office. I smile along with her. I know that sometimes the blood and gore can get a bit much, especially when the victim can vocalise their pain.

"What about you, Sara? Why did you become a CSI?" I'm surprised by her question. Although I really shouldn't be. It's usually the first question people ask when they find out what I do for a living. I don't think that my standard answer of, 'I want help people,' is going to cut it here though.

"Well, I've always been interested in science, even as a kid. So when I was in university, I was at a loss at what to do. I took Gris' lecture at University and he sparked something inside of me. He had this passion for his field and when he spoke he made it sound so interesting. Don't get me wrong, he was there talking about entomology in the field of crime solving. It was the crime solving that caught my attention. He also touched on the different aspects of forensic science and I had to find out more. So I kind of cornered him at the end of the seminar and pumped him for answers to my questions. He was very accommodating and offered to send me some literature about entering forensic investigation. Needless to say he kept his word and was always happy to answer my questions, whenever they arose." I tell her laughing as I remembered poor Grissom the first time we met. I had cornered the poor man and asked every question I could think of.

Elizabeth had moved forward in her chair and rested her head in her hands, with her elbows propping her up on the desk.

"Sara, I don't mean to pry." I actually snorted when she said that and she had the good grace to look slightly embarrassed when she realised what she had said. It was ridiculous; a psychiatrist that didn't want to pry wouldn't be a very good psychiatrist. "Ok, I do, but I would rather that you were honest with me and not have me bring things up, ok?"

"Ok, so what is it that you don't want to 'pry' into?" I ask laughing.

"Well, you know that I have your file? I have access to everything about you. Like you were in foster care from a young age and why you were in foster care." She says taking a breath before continuing. "Do you think that, maybe, what happened with you and your parents might have played a part in you becoming a part of law enforcement?"

I take a moment to compose myself; they usually wait until the second or third session before bringing out the parent card with me. I can feel the anger building inside at the thought of meeting this woman for the first time and she has the gall to ask such a personal question. Unfortunately I can't control my anger and I feel it break loose.

"Look, you want to know why I tried to kill myself, yes?" I question. "I was sick of it. I was sick of going into work day after day, pretending that everything is ok, that I'm not hurting and dealing with the mess that the scum of the earth leave behind them. I'm sick of having to deal with grieving relatives and the living victims. I'm sick of looking into the eyes of a woman who has been raped or a child that's been abused by someone they should be able to trust. I was sick of going into work every day and seeing the woman that I love, the one woman who can make it all go away, hate me. I mean, I thought she really, fucking hated me. I was constantly fighting against her all the time. I was sick of having to go home at the end of another shitty day to my apartment and cutting or drinking myself into oblivion. I was sick of waking up each time, although to be honest, the waking up is a lot better than my nightmares. Having to constantly relive the abuse and degradation and having it thrust into my face each day at work didn't help much either." I say. I'm now standing with my fists clenched and my knuckles pressed hard against the top of Elizabeth's desk.

"When I saw that girl, when I saw Mackenzie, I knew that it was my time. I knew that I could end it all. After all I had nothing to lose. I thought the woman I love hated me and I was starting to hate my job. I had nothing to live for. I left the scene, I left Mackenzie and went home and tried to kill myself, not before I called Catherine to let her know that I was in love with her. I never expected her to feel the same. When I called her I kept hoping that she would see it was me calling and direct me to voice mail and I think that's what she did. I left my message and I told her how I feel, I told her practically everything. She heard the message and came to me. She saved me and to top it all off she loves me too. Now though, my happiness lies in the hands of a child, Catherine's child, Lindsay." I finish, all the fight leaving me, I slump back into my chair.

Elizabeth just looks at me; I can't tell what she's thinking. As she continues to stare at me I feel myself shrink further into my chair, ashamed of my outburst.

"What do you mean your happiness lies in Lindsay's hands?" She asks me softly.

"Catherine wants to speak to Lindsay first and find out how she would feel about her dating me." I say with a sigh and a shrug of my shoulders. "Lindsay and I are quite close, I was assigned to investigate her fathers' death and after that we spent time chatting whenever she felt like she couldn't speak to her mum or anyone else."

"What do you think she'll say?"

"What?"

"Lindsay, what do you think she will say about you and Catherine dating? Do you think she will be happy?"

"I don't know." I quietly admit. "I really hope she will. I'd love to be there helping her grow up, and I know I could do it if I hadn't told her that I was in love with her mum."

"Wait a minute, you told a child that you are in love with her mother?" She asks me. When I nod yes she lets out a low whistle. "What happened after you told her?"

"She went into a kind of shock. She kept staring at me, though and then.....then I ran out." I tell her hiding behind my hands. I can still hear Jeremy's giggling and I can still see Lindsay's dark eyes boring into mine.

"You ran out?" Elizabeth asks slowly. To ashamed to look at her I nod into my hand. "Oh, Sara." She say, the tone of her voice surprising me, it's not disapproving or reproachful. Forcing my head up to look her in the eye, I don't see pity or anger there, just understanding and sympathy.

"I know I screwed up. Even if she Lindsay was alright about me dating her mum, she won't be now. She'll not want anything to do with me now."

"You never know Sara, you might be lucky. Kids are very resilient, she'll come round."

"When? When will she come round? A day? A week? A month? A year? When?" I ask feeling myself getting upset again. I stop and take a calming breath. "I told Catherine that I could just be friends if Lindsay isn't happy about us. You know, do the whole going to breakfast with the guys, working in harmony, that sort of thing. But I don't think I'll be able to. Do you know how I woke up today?" I ask her, not really expecting an answer I continue. "I woke up in Catherine's bed, in her arms. I've never felt so safe, so loved. Nothing can touch me when she's near, you know? Like I can fully relax and nothing can get me. There are no nightmares and no demons. Just Catherine and me. Do you think that's part of what love is? Feeling that safe? That contented?" This time I am looking for an answer. Elizabeth pushed a box of tissues towards me and I'm surprised by the movement until I feel a tear drop fall from my chin and slash on my clasped hands. Once I have wiped my face dry and blow my nose I look expectedly at her.

"Honestly, Sara, I can't say for sure. There are many different definitions of love. Some people feel a physical pain when their loved one is away from them for too long. Others experience what you do, the sense of tranquillity. I think that it's different for each person, I think you just have to look at what your heart is telling you."

"Right now it's telling me that love is just a human condition. It's a chemical reaction in the brain that is prompting me to mate with someone who is sending out and receiving matching pheromones that my body is putting out and receiving from them."

"That's an unusual way to think about love. Why did you come to that conclusion?" She asks, tilting her head to the side.

"It makes sense. If you think back to Neanderthal man, he wasn't driven by feelings but instincts. It's only modern man that is driven by love as much as hate. No other species acts the way humans do. Also if I start to think like this way now, I can save myself a lot of heart ache when I get home and Lindsay has decided that she wants nothing more to do with me."

"Home? Is that your apartment or Catherine's home?"

"Huh?" Very eloquent.

"You just said that you could save yourself a lot of heart ache when you get home. Is your apartment home or do you class Catherine's house as home?" She patiently replies.

"Oh. Well, my apartment is just a place I go to when I'm made to leave work and I need to rest. I've always felt that wherever Catherine, that's home, even when we were fighting." I admit with a small chuckle.

"Why is that?"

Great now we're getting to it. I deliberately take my time in answering her, I've already said too much and she's too far in my head already. I'm torn between telling her the truth or telling her a load of bull, just to keep her off my back. Staring off into space, I let images of Cath run through my mind. _Cath sitting in the break room trying to relax while she was waiting on results for her case. Cath leaning over a lay out table, trying to solve a puzzle that was bothering her. Cath confidently striding through the glass maze. _

"Sara, why do you feel like that?" Elizabeth's voice breaks into my thoughts.

"Because I've fallen in love with her. Even sitting here now I wish she was with me. She makes everything better, she makes life worth living."

"And what if Lindsay isn't happy with the two of you dating? What then?" I hate that she's asking the question, it's not like I haven't asked myself it before but then I could always ignore the answer, I don't have a choice this time.

"If Lindsay isn't happy with me dating Catherine, then I'll try to be friends. I do _need_ her in my life, I need both of them and if friendship is the only way to have them, then that's what I'll take." I say trying to convince both of us that friendship would be enough.

"Sara, have you thought about what would happen if Lindsay didn't want you in her life after all of this? What if you could only see Catherine at work and never see Lindsay again, what would you do then?" I'm shocked at the thought; I hadn't even contemplated that scenario. Thinking about it now really scares me. What would I do if I couldn't see Lindsay or Catherine again? Carefully schooling my features I look at Elizabeth, the last thing I want is for her to say that I've become dependent on another person for my happiness. I know it seems like I have but it's not really true. Being with Catherine would _help _make me happy, it wouldn't guarantee instant happiness.

"If that happened, then I would deal with it. I would grieve for the relationship and friendship I have lost and I would move on."

"Do you honestly think that you would be able to do that? Do you really think that you could do that?" She asks sceptically.

"Yeah, I do." I say sighing. "Look, Lindsay and Catherine mean the world to me. Over the years I've fallen in love with them both. I've never been the most maternal person and honestly, kids terrify me but with Lindsay it's different. I want to look after her and protect her. When she hurts herself I want to make the pain go away, when she passes a test I want to be there to celebrate with her and when she brings a boyfriend home for the first time I want to be the one who gives him the 'talk' about looking after our little girl. So I will do anything to keep her safe and happy. I'd do anything to keep them both safe and happy and if that means being nothing more than a co-worker to Catherine, that's what I'll do."

"Ok, if you're sure? When do you find out?" She asks.

"When I go home tonight, I guess." I reply sombrely.

"Right, well, I don't know if you've noticed or not, but time has ran out. I'd like to schedule another appointment for three days time, would that be ok?"

"Yeah, that's fine. I've not really got anything to do until you say I'm fit enough for work. Well, mentally fit at least." I laugh. Thankfully she laughs along with me as she goes through the process of making another appointment.

"Right, I'll see you in three days, ok?" She asks handing me a card with the appointment time and date written in bold print. "Hopefully when I see you next you'll have gotten the answer you wanted from Lindsay." She says smiling, standing up to show me out of the door.

Following her to the door I put the appointment card in the back pocket of my jeans for safe keeping. "Well, I can only hope that she's happy with me dating her mum." I say shaking Elizabeth's hand.

***************

Outside the clinic I wait for the cab I'd just called to come and pick me up. As nice and Dr. Windsor is, I couldn't help feel that this session was a complete waste of both our times. We never really covered the topics I was expecting to have covered. My cell phone vibrates on my hip, indicating that I had a text message, interrupts my thoughts. Flipping it open I see that Catherine had text me half an hour ago. I'm also hesitant to read it, I have a good idea what it'll say and I really don't want to know. Sucking in a deep breath I summon up the remainder of my courage and open the text message.

_S, hope everything is going well. Explained everything to Linds. _

_ She's not too happy and she wants to talk to you. _

_ She also wants to know if you would help her with her science project. _

_ See you w__hen you get home._

_ Love, C xxx_

I feel myself hyperventilating at the thought of having to go and face Lindsay. She's not happy about the whole think, she doesn't want to see me anymore, and she doesn't want me to see Cath anymore. At the height of my panic, the cab pulls up in front of me. The driver gets out and comes to my side.

"Are you ok?" I hear him ask. Unable to answer him I shake my head. He lightly tugs on my arm, pulling me over to his cab. He opens the door and manoeuvres me so I can sit down on the back seat with my feet on the pavement. I'm faintly aware that he leaves me for a few minutes before he is back at my side with a bottle of water.

"Here Miss, drink this. Slowly, mind." He warns gently. Taking a few sips of the cold water, I can feel it cool me down from the inside out. "There, you feeling a bit better?"

"Yeah, I am thanks." I say, handing him the bottle back.

"Nah, it's alright, you hang on to that. I've got plenty more where that came from." He says smiling. As his face comes into focus more, I return his smile. I'm shocked to see that he is in his early sixties with silver grey hairs and kind blue eyes. "Now then, Miss, where I can take ya?" He asks standing up to do a little bow. Laughing at his antics I tell him where I want to go and sit in the cab properly and buckle myself in for the ride.

On the way to Catherine's, Gabe, the cab driver kept me chuckling with stories of different passengers he has ferried about in Vegas. I was content to just rest back against the upholstery of the back seat and listen to him recount the weird and wonderful people he has met in his lifetime. We stop briefly at an intersection before we pull out. It was the only time that Gabe was quiet, when he was checking the road was clear for us to proceed. As soon as he saw that the cost was clear he set of, and so did his mouth. He had me laughing about a mother and daughter who got into his cab all friendly and laughing but when he dropped them off at their destination they were bitching and back biting. All of a sudden a SUV came out of nowhere and smashed into the side of the cab and sent it across the other side of the road. When the cab had finally stopped moving, there was silence all around us.

"Gabe, are you alright?" I ask, trying to move. As I do a pain shoots through my abdomen stopping me in my tracks. Looking down I see blood seeping out from the left hand side of my stomach. I hold my hand over the wound but the blood continues to pour out through my fingers. "Gabe, Gabe." I finally manage to reach forward to check his neck for a pulse. Thankfully it's still there. I fall back against the seat gasping for breath. The small exertion has left me exhausted. I push against the door trying to get out of the cab. The impact from the SUV had made the door buckle and was pushed inwards. Looking down at the door I see a bit of metal poking out from it. It's then that I realise that's what caused the wound in my stomach. Slowly I manage to pull myself over to the other door but the cab is jammed against wall and I can't out that side. Remembering that I carry one of the wonders of the modern world, I pull out my mobile phone and call the emergency services.

"911, what's your emergency?"

"Hi, I'm CSI Sara Sidle. I've been involved in an RTA. A hire cab versus a SUV. I'm in the cab with the driver, who's unconscious and I have a deep puncture wound to the left hand side of my stomach. I'm trapped in the cab so I don't know how many passengers are in the SUV or the condition of them." I tell the operator, feeling more blood pump out of my wound.

"That's fine CSI Sidle; can you tell me your location?"

"Um, not exactly. I'm approximately five miles west of the Renton Clinic."

"That's ok, CSI Sidle, is the phone that you are using a company issued one?" The operator asks.

"Yes, I'm with the Las Vegas Crime Lab if that helps you at all." I reply feeling weaker by the minute.

"That's great, thanks. A crew should be with you in ten minutes."

"Thanks." An urgent banging on the window takes my attention from the operator. When I turn around to see who it is I drop my phone in shock.

"Grissom?" I can't believe I'm seeing him. I raise a bloody hand to touch the window between us.

"Sara move back, I'm going to break the window." He shouts. I try to do as he asks and I move back a few inches. Covering my head and face with my free arm I hear the window shatter.

"Come on Sara; let's get you out of here."

"Gris, Gabe, he's in the front he's unconscious." I tell him moving towards the window, clutching my side.

"It's ok, I'll get you out and across the road and then I'll get him, alright?"

Carefully Grissom pulls me through the window and helps me to the other side of the road. Once I'm laid out on the pavement he goes back to get Gabe. I close my eyes and try to concentrate on keeping the pain from my side at bay; I only open them when I hear that Grissom returns carrying Gabe's unconscious body. He lies him down and quickly checks him over, when he's satisfied that Gabe is only unconscious, Gris moves to back to me. Looking up at him I can see some small cuts on his face and some bruises forming.

"What happened to you?" I ask him, my words' coming out slurred as the blood loss continues to get worse.

"Oh god, Sara, I'm so sorry." He whispers.

"What for?"

"Sara, I hit you. It's my SUV. I collided with the cab that you were in. I'm so sorry."

"It was an accident, don't worry about it." I tell him closing my eyes. I know what's happening, I'm dying. This is how I felt when I tried to kill myself. I chuckle and it causes me to cough up blood. It's funny how life works. I tried to kill myself because I couldn't live without having Catherine in my life and now that I have the chance of having her I'm going to die. "Gil, can you do me a favour, please?"

"Yeah, Sara, what?"

"As soon as you can, I need you to speak to Cath. I need you to tell her..." another coughing fit stops me. More blood is forced from my lungs and into the air. I feel some of it drop onto my face. My breathing is shallow and ragged. "I need you to tell her that I love her. I want you to tell her that I'm grateful that I had the last couple of days. Tell Lindsay I love her too, and I would have loved to help her with her project. She's an amazing girl; she's going to be an amazing woman. Will you tell them, Gil? Will you make sure that they know I love them?"

"I'll tell them, Sara. But you'll be able to tell them yourself. Once the doctors patch you up, you'll be able to tell them yourself." He says. "Sara, open your eyes. Look at me."

"I'm sorry Gil. I'm just so tired." I tell him feeling the world go dark around me. "I'm just going to go for a little sleep, ok?"

"No, Sara. Listen, the ambulance is coming. Just hold on ok?"

I can hear his voice and I can the sirens but I'm too exhausted to open my eyes. I can feel the cold creep up my legs and though the rest of my body. Selfishly, I wish Catherine was here. She would keep me warm. Knowing she loves me helps warm me up as everything fades from grey to black.

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**Thanks for reading.**

**Freddie**

**xxxx**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Sara finally makes a decision about her life. Contains self harm and suicide. Rating M, just to be safe. **

**A/N: I'd also like to say, well more like give warning, this is the second last chapter. I think i've done what i can. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read (and review.) **

**A/N: Special thanks to Sofrost for the beta. I wouldn't have such a great story without your help. I had originally set out to write the first chapter as a one shot but with your gentle guidance and fantastic advice, my one shot became my first fully fledged fic :)**

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**Chapter 11 **

**Catherine's POV**

"Come on; let's get you sat down, ok?" I say gently coaxing Lindsay into the front room. I don't know what I'm feeling just now. Sara has just dropped a major bombshell on Lindsay, that she wants us to have a relationship, and Lindsay seems to have gone into a catatonic state.

"Is she ok, Cath?" Nancy asks as I guide Lindsay onto the sofa beside her.

"I think so, Nance. She's just had a pretty big shock. You know, with her friends telling her that she's in love with her mum." I tell Nancy, while I stroke Lindsay's hair, trying to maintain as much physical contact as possible.

"Who's in love with you, Aunt Cath? Is it that woman who was trying to sneak out?" Jeremy pipes up from his position from the chair.

"Yes, Jeremy. Sara is in love with your Aunty Cath, and from the way she has been acting and everything she's said about the lovely Sara, I'd say she feels the same." Nancy tells Jeremy but looking at me the whole time with a small, smug smile gracing her lips. "Do you care to deny it, Cath?"

"No, I can't deny it." I tell her, looking at Lindsay. "I am in love with her. I have been for a long time now and I never thought I stood a chance with her. I never thought that she could ever care for me the way I do for her. I've known for a long time how Sara feels about Lindsay; you can see it in her eyes when she looks at her. She loves her almost as much as I do. After Eddie's death Sara spent so much time with her she gave me my little girl back." I tell them still looking at Lindsay.

It's important that she knows that we will still be her mum and Sara, no matter what she decides. Still kneeling on the floor in front of Lindsay is taking its toll on my knees, so I move to sit beside her on the sofa. I take hold of her hand and continue to stroke her hair and back. It's important to me that she knows I'm here, even if she's not responding to me. Looking a Jeremy I smile when I notice that he has gone back to his game. I look at Nancy over the top of Lindsay's head and I can see she has more questions for me. Growing up with Nancy I could always tell when she was satisfied with an answer. She has a really expressive face, which can be fun growing up. I always knew how far I could push her when I was teasing her.

"What?" I question, not liking being under her scrutiny. It makes me feel really uncomfortable.

"Why did Sara just run out of here?" Nancy asks.

"Apart for the fact she had a cab waiting to take her to an appointment, you mean?" I ask laughing. Obviously Nancy doesn't find it funny; she just nods her head and waits for me to answer. I take my time to answer; I'm not doing it to annoy her. I just think that Sara's secrets and past are for her to tell, it's not my place. I can't really speak for Sara and I don't want to lie to Nancy either. Deciding to stick to the truth, I take a deep breath and try to give her the abbreviated version.

"She's scared." I tell her with a defeated sigh.

"Scared of what?" Nancy asks looking confused.

"She's scared of losing us. Lindsay and me." I say looking at Lindsay. As much as I try, I can't stop the sob that escapes me. Tears burn my eyes and a massive lump forms in my throat making it difficult for me to breathe never mind speak. Gulping for air I manage to continue slowly.

"She's scared that she'll lose the one and only family that she learned what 'love' actually means. After Eddie, Sara felt that she should take the time to get to know Lindsay, the child. Not Lindsay, the victim. In time she came to love and care for her as if she was her own child." I stop and look at Nancy to see is following every word I'm saying. "I'd always known that Sara had great love and compassion in her heart. I just never thought she would choose Lindsay to open her heart too. Or me for that matter." I smile at Lindsay. Hoping that she might be on her way out of her catatonic state.

"What about you, Cath?" Nancy asks. I look at her in confusion, not really understanding what she's getting at. I'm just about to ask her what she means when she explains. "How are you feeling about all of this?"

How do I feel about 'all of this'? How do I feel that my little girl holds my future happiness in her hands? Well, not just my happiness but Sara's too. What happens if she decides that she's not happy about us being in a relationship? What will Sara do then? What will I do? What will happen with Lindsay? Will she still want to see Sara? Would she still turn to Sara when she feels that she can't talk to her Gran, Nancy or me?

On the flip side, I can imagine the three of us doing normal family things. Pick nicks, outings to the beach or the park. Long weekends just the three of us. Me and Sara sitting in the audience of Lindsay's school plays. Christmas mornings with the three of us swapping presents and watching Lindsay tearing into hers with childish enthusiasm. Then Christmas lunch with the rest of the family. I can see Sara entertaining the kids while I do my obligatory duty and help out in the kitchen. I can even picture us in our dotage, with Lindsay's children running around and Sara trying to teach them maths and physics. That image makes me laugh. Sara still lean and fit, with a few grey hairs scattered through her dark hair. Laughter lines around her eyes and mouth, chasing two little blonde haired, blue eyed terrors around with maths and physics books in her arms.

"Well?" Nancy's voice breaks into my thoughts reminding me that future is still hanging in the balance, or more precisely Lindsay's hands. "How do you feel about all of this?" She asks again, obviously feeling the need to remind me of her question.

"Numb." I lie. I really hate lying to her but I don't want to lay everything I'm feeling out in front of her, Lindsay and Jeremy. Although looking at Jeremy, I'd say he's more interested in his game at the moment. He's trying hard to play his game with one of his arms in a plaster cast. Its funny watching him, he's concentrating so hard that he has his tongue sticking out the side of his mouth like Nancy used to do whenever she was focusing solely on something.

"That's bull, Cath, and you know it." Nancy snaps at me.

"Ok, if you must know, I'm bloody scared, ok? I'm scared of what will happen. I'm scared of what my Baby will decide. I'm scared that this is all too much for her. I'm scared of what Sara will do if Lindsay decides she doesn't want Sara to have nothing more to do with us." I shout, standing up and pacing in front of the window. "I mean, I can see it. The future, the three of us sharing our days together. Sara helping Lindsay with her homework while I make the dinner. The three of us on holiday together. Arguing over whose turn it is to do the laundry or the shopping because we both don't want to do it. Or arguing whose turn it is because we both want to do it." I say laughing

"I can imagine us at Christmas and birthdays. Snuggling in bed with Lindsay when we both have the day off. I can picture us doing the family stuff as well as the couple stuff. I don't just want the couple stuff; I want the family stuff and so does Sara. She understands that we come as a package, Lindsay and me, and she wants that. She doesn't just want me, she wants us both." I stop pacing and look at Nancy and Lindsay. Lindsay is still staring into space and Nancy is looking at me, waiting for me to continue. Taking a deep breath I start pacing again. "She said that if a friendship is all she could have with us then a friendship is what she would take. But I now that she loves me, loves us, how am I supposed to forget that and pretend that I don't feel the same?" I ask crumpling to the ground, tears streaming down my face and gut wrenching sobs erupting from me. As my tears slowly subside a sharp pain in my chest makes itself known to me. It feels like my heart is breaking into little pieces.

"You don't." A small voice whispers above me. "Did you hear me? I said 'you don't.'" I look up and I see Lindsay standing above me with tears streaking lines down her face. "I love Sara too, mummy. We don't have to pretend anything, do we mummy?" I shake my head and open up my arms to her, she doesn't hesitate to throw herself into my arms. I immediately tightly wrap my arms around her as she wraps her arms around my neck.

After countless minute of sitting on the floor and crying along with Lindsay our tears have dried and my body starts to protest at sitting on the floor for so long. I gather Lindsay up in my arms and slowly rise from the floor. Unfortunately, no matter how slow I got up from the floor wouldn't prepare me for the pain of pins and needles as the blood starts to floor back into my legs unrestricted. I limp to the couch and sit down, still cuddling Lindsay to me. I still don't understand why she went catatonic. It scared me when she wouldn't respond to me. But I can wait until she's ready to tell me.

It's then that I realise we are alone. Nancy and Jeremy have gone home. It's just Lindsay and me, waiting for Sara to come home. It hits me that I won't be able to wait until Lindsay opens up in her own time; I need to know what's going on in that beautiful blonde head of hers. Stroking her hair I gently bring her out of the light sleep that she's fallen into.

"Lindsay?" She responds by snuggling deeper into me as she gently nuzzles my shoulder. "Come on Baby, I need you to wake up so I can talk to you."

"I don't wanna go to school." She says in the same voice she uses when she tries to catch a few extra minutes in bed.

"You don't have to go to school, Honey, you're on holiday. Remember?" I chuckle rubbing her back hoping to stimulate a more lucid response from her.

"Oh, I forgot about that." She murmurs. "Why do I need to wake up then?" She whines.

"Because we have to talk. I need to ask you a really important question."

"Ok, what is it mummy?" She asks sitting and rubbing her face. She looks me straight in the eye and waits for my response.

"Well, what I want to know is, why did you freeze when Sara asked if you would be ok with us dating and being a couple?"

She suddenly looks shy and I can tell that she doesn't want to answer, but thanks to the relationship that I have cultivated with her, I know she will. She's just thinking about the best way to tell me.

"So, it was true then?" She whispers in wonder. "It wasn't a dream?"

"No Sweetie, it wasn't a dream. Sara really did ask your permission to date me, and I want that too, if you're alright with it, that is." I tell her trying to gauge her reaction. "Listen, there are other options you know. If you are not happy with us dating, we'd still like to be friends. Sara and I have to work together, so we'd see each other at work, and Sara wants to still hang out with you like you used too. We don't want that to change just because you don't want us dating. If you're still unhappy about either option there is a third. It's one we both hope you don't like, to be honest." I tell her trying hard to remain calm.

"What's the third option?" She asks slowly.

"The last option is," I pause to take a deep breath, hoping that she won't pick it. I can feel my heart break slightly at the thought of Lindsay picking the third option. "That we all stop being friends. Sara is even willing to move away and find a job in another part of the country if it makes you happy."

"No! I don't want that." Lindsay shouts out in a panic. "I love Sara."

"Honey, calm down. If you don't want option three then we take that one off the table. To be honest, Sara and I don't like that option very much either. We know it would break all our hearts." I tell her pulling her in for a cuddle. A thought occurs to me and I voice it to Lindsay. "Baby, why did you freeze when Sara asked you if you would mind us dating?" She mumbles something into my shoulder.

"What did you say, Baby?"

"I said, I thought it was a dream." She says a little bit louder. "I thought if I stayed quiet then I could keep it, that I could make it real. If I didn't do anything then I wouldn't wake up and we would all be happy." She says with tears in her voice and her eyes.

"Oh, Honey. Why didn't you tell me?" I ask holding her tighter to me. She raises her head and looks at me as though I've gone crazy. "Right, your dad?" She smiles sadly and nods her head. "You know Linds; I loved your dad very much. I still do, in a way. He gave me the greatest thing in my life. You." I say looking into her eyes. "Sometimes though, no matter how much you loved someone at the beginning your feelings change over time. That's what happened with your dad and me. After we got married we started to grow apart. Then after you were born we decided that it would be better if we got divorced cos all we were doing was arguing. Although we still loved each other and loved you, we were too different and it wasn't healthy for any of us to live like we were."

I know that she does not understand everything I'm saying but she understands the majority of it. There is something else bothering her and I have a good idea I know what it is. "You know Linds, it's ok for you to love Sara the same way you love your dad or me, don't you? Cos I think your dad would be happy that you knew Sara and loved her." Ok, so that might not be true but I don't want Lindsay to think that her dad would have anything bad to say about Sara. Of course he would, he would be jealous as hell that Lindsay is giving her attention and affection to someone else. Obviously I said the right thing cos Lindsay's shoulders relax a bit and she nods her head.

"Lindsay, Sara knows that she could never take the place of your dad, and she doesn't even want to try. She knows how much you love your dad and she won't try to compete with him for your love. Sara loves you like you were her own daughter. She wants to be there to help you with your homework, watch movies with you, tell you to eat your vegetables, play on the beach with you and go to your school plays. She knows that she would always be the step-parent to you. She doesn't want to take my place or your dads place, she's happy to be a sort of stand in parent, if you know what I mean?" Lindsay nods to show that she understands what I'm saying to her.

"I want those things too, mummy." Lindsay says sincerely sitting to look me in the eye. "But I think we might fall out sometimes though."

"Why?" I ask confused.

"Well, I don't really like vegetables, do I?" She asks giggling.

Her laughter is infectious and I'm soon laughing along with her. As we both quieten down I pull Lindsay on top of me and lie back on the couch. Although I enjoy seeing Lindsay grow and develop I wish we could always have quiet moments like this, just the two of us enjoying the quiet times of peace and tranquillity these four walls can offer against the chaos I see every day at work. Lindsay's voice breaks me out of my musing of the horrors I encounter and why she makes my work worthwhile.

"Mummy?"

"Yes Baby?" I ask looking down at her little blonde head resting on my chest.

"I'm really happy that you and Sara are going to be girlfriends." she says raising her head from my chest and meeting my eyes. "My friends are going to be **so** jealous when I tell them." Her eyes twinkle at the thought of having some good gossip to tell her friends. As the shock wears off, I gape at her.

"Do you really mean it, Sweetheart?" I ask totally shocked at how easily she accepts the whole situation. "You would really be ok with us dating?" Lindsay nods her head and I pull her into a bone crushing hug. I can't believe how happy my little girl has made me.

"Mum?" Lindsay gasps.

"Yeah, Sweetie?"

"If Sara is going to take me to the beach, you need to let me go so I can breathe." She wheezes slightly, trying to wriggle free from me.

"Oh sorry, Baby." I laugh, loosening my hold on her slightly. "You've made me so happy."

"I know, I'm happy too." She sighs happily from her resting place on my chest. "Oh, you know I'll have to give her 'the talk' don't you?"

"'The talk'?" I question.

"Yeah, 'the talk.'" She says raising her head. "You know, 'you're dating my mum, you had better treat her right. I'm the daughter of a CSI and most of my uncles are CSI's and one is a detective.' That talk. Just to let her know that she isn't to hurt you." She says seriously, making me laugh. Cos I'm laughing at her she glares at me but that just makes me laugh harder.

"I don't think you'll need to give Sara 'the talk,' Honey. But you can if you want too, ok? Just don't be too rough on her." I tell her. I know Sara will handle the whole thing seriously. She'll take it as serious as Lindsay does. I love that about her. No matter how trivial something may be to her, if it's important to Lindsay then Sara will give it her full attention. I have a feeling she'll do the same with 'the talk.'

"Do you think Sara will help me with my science project?"

"Um, before or after you have 'the talk'?" I joke with her.

"After, of course." She says indignantly. Trust my little girl to put me first. She wants to set the record straight before asking Sara to help with her school work. She'll want to let Sara know how she feels about everything before starting her project.

"Well, how about I text Sara and let her know that everything is ok?" I say sitting up and moving to get my cell phone from the table. "Linds, do you mind if I give Sara a heads up about 'the talk'? It's not really fair that she walks into it blind, is it?"

Lindsay looks thoughtful for a few minutes. "Ok, I suppose it's only fair that she knows that I want to talk to her." She says, shrugging her shoulders. "Can I get a juice box?"

"No problem, they're in the fridge."

As Lindsay heads into the kitchen to get her juice box I send Sara a text, hoping that it will put her mind at ease. Lindsay comes back into the front room and plops herself down beside me on the sofa. When my phone sounds out it's usually 'message sent' tone I put it back on the table and lean back on the sofa.

"Mum?" Lindsay asks quietly beside me.

"Yeah, Sweetheart?" I turn my head to look at her but she continues to look straight ahead.

"What time is Sara coming home?"

Lindsay surprises me again. I thought she would have needed some extra time to adjust to Sara and me dating. "I don't know sweetheart. I expect she'll be another couple of hours. Why?"

"Well, I was thinking that we could make her dinner. She looked very tired when she left earlier; I think it would be nice for her to come home to a nice meal."

Once again Lindsay has surprised me. I've always known that Lindsay is thoughtful and kind but I never expected her to think about that. Obviously I'm taking too long to answer her cos Lindsay has turned her head to look at me expectantly. I wrap my arm around her shoulders and smile.

"Of course, Sweetheart, that's a fantastic idea. What should we make her?" Lindsay and Sara have spent more time together and as shameful as it sounds, Lindsay might have a better idea what of what Sara likes to eat. Lindsay thinks for a minute before smiling brightly.

"How about macaroni and cheese with baby potatoes, broccoli and cauliflower? It's one of her favourites." Lindsay says.

"Would you be able to eat all of that?" I'm shocked that Lindsay is actually offering to eat something that isn't full of additives, and e numbers.

"Well I don't really like cauliflower but Sara says if I keep trying it in little portions I might get to like it. Plus Sara says it's really good for me." Lindsay announces proudly. It always amazes me that no matter how many times I've told her over the years that cauliflower is good for her she would never eat the stuff.

"Ok, Mac and cheese with baby potatoes, broccoli and cauliflower it is." I say smiling. "Maybe we should start now? That way it'll be ready when she comes home."

"Cool." Lindsay jumps up from the sofa and races into the kitchen. Chuckling I follow her into the kitchen at a slower pace.

As Lindsay and I set about making Sara dinner I realise that I'm happier than I have been in a long time and it's all thanks to my beautiful daughter and the woman I love. Something Lindsay said to me earlier comes back to as I chop the broccoli and cauliflower and Lindsay washes the pasta and potatoes.

"Linds?" I call over my shoulder to get her attention.

"Yeah, mum?"

"You said that you were dreaming about Sara and me getting together?" I question slowly.

"Yeah, so?"

"Well, how long have you been dreaming about it?" I ask, turning around to look at her back. She turns away from the sink and looks me straight in the eye. She takes a deep breath then says.

"It feels like forever, mum. I've wanted Sara to be a part of our family properly, not like Uncle Gil or Uncle Jim, but properly, forever. I didn't understand it at first but then I did. I want Sara to be my mummy too." I don't think she realises what she has said but Lindsay has just answered one of the biggest questions we could have asked her. How would she feel about Sara becoming her legal guardian? Pushing off from the counter I move over to her and wrap my arms around her.

"Sara wants that too, Baby." I whisper and I kiss her head. "We both do."

"Really?" She squeaks in surprise.

"Yes, really." I say kissing her on the head one more time. "Now, what do you say we get our new Woman's dinner ready, eh?" Lindsay nods her head vigerously. We both go back to our tasks happy in the knowledge that we both agree that Sara is what our little family unit has been missing.

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**I hope you all enjoyed. **

**Thanks for reading,**

**Freddie**


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: CSI and it's characters are not mine and will never be.**

**A.N.: Ok, i know i said thay this would be the last chapter but i was having a hard time writing it. Something didn't feel right, so i chopped it up into little bit and that made it a whole lot easier. **

**A.N.: Be warned there is a _lot_ of angst. There is character death(don't hate me, i don't believe in happy ever after).**

**A.N.: I'm taking time to say a great big thanks to Sofrost. I know i've said it before, but without yo this would have died a death two years ago :) Thank you so much.**

* * *

**Chapter 12 **

**Catherine's POV**

Fate is a bitch. It's a cruel, wicked mistress. It demands that we all bow to its might and although we don't want to we inevitably do. Fate has put me in this place twice, this building with its clinical and sterile environment. It's impersonal, intruding machines beeping and hissing rhythmically giving hope, false or real, to those who are made to suffer them. The machines in this room are taunting me with hope.

Hope that I know deep down is going to lead to despair.

The doctors have already told me to prepare for the worst, but the stupid machines keep giving me that false hope that maybe, just maybe, the doctors are wrong. With every beep from the heart monitor and every hiss from the ventilator hope flutters in my chest making me think that she's going to come back to us, to me. But I know she's not.

She's never going to swagger through the labs again when she's cracked a case. She's never going to fall asleep on the break room sofa after pulling one of her famous all nighters. I'm never going to see her hunched over a lay out table working on evidence. I'm never going to see her scoop up Lindsay in her arms and twirl her around until they're both so dizzy that the fall on the grass giggling. I'm never going to watch her argue her point with as much passion as she could muster. I'm never going to see her smile. When she smiled, a true genuine smile, her eyes would light up and her face would change. She looked younger, more carefree.

I know it's all in the past. I know she's never coming back. The machines are keeping her 'alive.' Just until the transplant co-ordinators come to harvest her organs. It seems that my girl, my Sara is, was a registered organs donor. It's going to be like a closing down sale – everything must go. Her kidneys, heart, lungs, liver, pancreas, her intestines, corneas, her middle ear, skin, heart valves, bone, veins, cartilage, tendons, ligaments, bone marrow, peripheral blood stem cells and cord blood stem cells will all be removed. Everything that made her the woman I fell in love is already gone.

She was announced dead on arrival. I never got the chance to tell her that I love her, that _we_ love her. That she was a part of a loving family. The family that she had been seeking for so long. Tears prick my eyes when I realise that I had denied her that for so long. That I had kept her from knowing that she had a place, a home, with us. Not just Lindsay and me, but with the guys too. If only I was braver, if I had stopped hiding and been true to myself we could have had years of happiness, both in the past and in the future.

"Oh God, I'm so sorry, Sara." I croak out, grabbing her hand in both of mine as tears of regret and shame course down my face. "I know you can't hear me, but I've got some things I need to tell you and I really _need _to say them now. I know it's stupid, you can't hear me, it's only me here and these fucking machines but I need tell someone and who better than the one that they're meant for, even if she can't hear them, eh?" I stop myself from rambling on and I take a deep breath to steady myself and my thoughts. "Ok, first, I love you. I'm so sorry that I robbed us of the chance to hear it and say it. If I had gotten over myself sooner we could have been together.

"Over the last few hours I've been thinking. If we had gotten together sooner would all of this have happened? Would you be lying there? Would I be sitting here wondering if this pain will ever go away? If we had gotten together sooner, you wouldn't have tried to kill yourself, Gris wouldn't have sent you to that psychiatrist, and you wouldn't have gotten into that cab and been involved in the accident. I blame myself for your death, just like I blame myself for Holly's death. If it wasn't for me, she would be alive now." I choke out.

It's true; I'm to blame for Holly's death, me and her mother. Her mother pushed Holly into fulfilling her failed dreams and when the young woman had wanted to throw in the towel I convinced her to stay. We all have reasons for doing the job but you have to _want_ to do it. Holly just didn't have the drive, the lust needed for the job. Sure, she was eager to please and impress the boss but what new start isn't? Now I'm to blame for Sara's death too.

A knock at the door brings me out of my musing about Holly and my raking over dried up, barren ground. When I look up a nurse in surgical scrubs is standing in the doorway.

"I'm sorry to disturb you, Ms Willows, but the retrieval team will be ready for Sara in thirty minutes." She says softly. Thirty minutes doesn't seem long enough to say everything I want to say. Blind panic sets in. My grip on her hand tightens and my body tenses, as though the nurse is here to take her already. I'm ready to defend her with any means possible if I have too.

"I can only give you twenty minutes with her though before someone comes into do a final run through." She says, her mouth setting a grim line. I nod my head, letting her know that I understand. She nods once and closes the door behind her as she retreats back to the hallway.

"Twenty minutes, Sara. That's all the time we have. I don't think it's enough. I never want to let you go." I whisper.

"You know, Lindsay said yes. She's happy, well, she was happy, when she thought we were going to be together. She was so excited. She couldn't wait to tell her friends. She was so sure that they were all going to be very jealous." I tell her chuckling. "Apparently, you're a big hit on the playground. It's not just my heart or Lindsay's or the boys' hearts that you've stolen, it's also the hearts of a playground of pre-teens too." I say laughing out loud at the thought of Lindsay's school mates looking on jealously as she comes out of school and saunters over to Sara.

"She's trying to be brave for you, goddammit. You do realise that she's lost another parent? How am I supposed to help her through it this time?" I ask raising my voice at her lifeless form.

I know it's irrational, it's not like Sara wanted to be taken away from us. But I'm scared; it was Sara who helped Lindsay the most when Eddie died. I was too busy grieving for the loss she had suffered. Now it's worse, I'm grieving for what we have lost, both me and Lindsay. Shaking myself from my thoughts I look at Sara's face. Reaching up I brush a strand of hair behind her ear. I let my fingers gently stroke along the shell of her ear and down her cheek to her chin. Even now, in death, she's still beautiful. I shuffle my chair forward, trying to get as close as possible to her. I look at my watch and I'm shocked to see that I don't have much time left.

"You've made a huge impact on all our lives." I whisper. "And now you're gone, you're leaving a huge gaping hole that no one else is going to be able to fill. I don't know what we are going to do without you. I'm not just talking about me and Lindsay; I'm talking about the guys too." I pause, thinking about the guys. The only one who seemed shocked about the way Sara and I felt for each other was Gil. I'm guessing that Sara had already told Greg and I told Warrick. I can bet that Greg and Warrick would have told poor Nick. Poor old Nick, I bet he thought that he was the last one to know. If I know Jim and Doc they would have figured it out for themselves but Gil is so oblivious to what goes on around him we would have had to made love on his desk. Even then I think he wouldn't have noticed.

"They're all taking this hard, Sara. Do you know what Jim did today when he saw me? He hugged me and cried. I know us hugging isn't that weird but it was the crying that got to me. I think I've only ever saw him cry once before and that was over Ellie. It makes sense though, he saw you as a daughter. Oh, poor Greg, he was inconsolable." I say, my voice sounding strange as it forces it's way past the lump in my thought as I remember how bad Greg looked when I past the waiting room. Clearing my throat I try to talk again. "Nick and Warrick were with him, trying to comfort him. I couldn't stop to offer him any comfort, Sara. I just sneaked past the waiting room and went find Gil and Jim. I just couldn't deal with the poor guy, I know he's hurting but I'm hurting too. So, I left the boys to it.

"As soon as I saw Gil I knew something was up. Hi face was showing more emotion in the first few minute than he ever did in five years. He started to apologise as soon as I was within earshot. He practically launched himself at me, throwing himself into my arms. He kept saying that he was sorry and it was just an accident. You know Brass had to actually step in and pull him off me. I don't think I've ever been as grateful to have Brass on my side as I was then. He started to tell Gil to pull himself together. He said that although we all love you in our own way, I'm _in _love with you and you with me. I think I must have zoned out because the next thing I heard, Brass was telling Gil that he had better get his eyes tested and maybe book a CAT scan cause even a blind man could see how much we loved each other, even though we couldn't." I laugh remembering the look on Gils face. It was obvious that he hadn't a clue. His mouth was hanging open and his eyes had glazed over.

"He told me what you said, when you were waiting on the ambulance. He told me that you were grateful for the precious few days that we had spent together; that you wanted nothing more than to help Lindsay with her project; that you love her. He also said that you thought Lindsay was an amazing little girl and you thought she would grow into an amazing woman. Do you have any idea how happy that made me? I've always known that you care for Lindsay, loved her even, but to hear you say that, even though it was from someone else, it made my heart swell." I tell her, tears rolling freely down my face. "She loves you too, you know? She confided in me today that she wanted you to be her other 'mom.' She been having dreams about it. Us being a family." A knock on the door interrupts my monologue. "Yes? What?!" I yell over my shoulder.

The door opens to reveal the same nurse from before. She timidly steps into the room and hesitantly looks at me. Taking a deep breath she says, "Miss Willows, it's time."

"Already?" I ask in a whisper. Not quite ready to believe my time is up, I'm not ready to part with her. I don't want to let her go just yet. I can't. "Can't I have a little longer with her?" I ask the nurse. "Please?" I beg my voice breaking.

"I'm sorry, Miss Willows, but I've given you as long as I can. It really is time, I'm afraid." She says sympathetically.

Looking back at Sara, I know what I have to do. I don't want to, I just want to kick the nurse out and lock the door so no one else can get in. So it would just be Sara and I alone in the room. I want to just curl up beside her and hold her forever but I can't. I have to be able to help Lindsay. I know that I have to say goodbye to Sara. I stand from my chair and lean over her. Looking down at her face, I instinctively brush hair from her face.

"Well, Honey, it's time." I tell her softly. "They've come to help you save more lives, Sweetheart." I choke out. "I have to go now so that they can do that. I need to go and see everybody. They're all waiting for me, you see, and Lindsay, she's in a terrible state." I tell her as tears fall from my face onto hers. I use the pads of my thumbs to wipe them away. "I don't know what I'm going to do with Lindsay. I'll just have to take it one hour at a time with her I guess. Thanks to you, I got my little girl back again and I don't want to lose her again. I promise that I'll do everything in my power to make sure that doesn't happen."

The nurse coughs politely behind me, making me aware that I'm taking too long. "Well Sweetheart, I guess this is it." I tell her, unable to say the words I really should. I lean down and kiss her tepid lips. It's not like the last kiss we shared. There's no warmth or passion. I linger for as long as I can stand it, as though she is sleeping beauty and my kiss is all that's needed to revive her. As the miracle I was hoping for doesn't happen, I end the kiss and straighten up. I collect my jacket from the floor where I dropped it and I walk to the door. When I get to the nurse I stop and look her straight in the eye.

"Take good care of her please." I say, nodding my head towards Sara. "She's very special, to a lot of people. She's very special to me." I choke out around the lump in my throat.

"We will, Miss. Willows." The nurse assures me, patting my arm. Unable to say anything else I nod my head. After one last look at Sara lying in the bed, I turn and leave the room.

Outside the door I stop and lean up against the wall, trying to steady my breathing. I feel as though a hand has reached into my chest to squeeze my heart dry and push the air from my lungs. I gasp at the air greedily, fighting to keep the dizziness and tears at bay. Sinking to the floor I try to focus on something other than the unbearable pain coursing through my body. I want to hit something, someone. I want someone to hurt as much as I am. Pushing those thoughts from my head I focus on the wall opposite but the bland colour holds nothing to catch my attention. Countless numbers of legs pass by me, but thankfully no one stops. I don't think I could cope with someone asking me if I was alright. Closing my eyes, I try to focus on the noises around me. Below the usual din of the hospital I can hear music. Haunting music drifting down to me from above.

Suddenly the hairs on my arms and the small hairs at the back of my neck stand on end. I feel a familiar presence. A sort of peace descends on me and I can feel Sara beside me. I know it's not real but I swear I can smell her, that secret scent that was uniquely hers. Leaning my head against the wall, I want to open my eyes. I know that if I do she won't be there. That it's my imagination playing tricks on me but I really want it to be true. I want her, here, now, beside me, holding me, telling me that everything is ok again. Suddenly a voice calls me name and interrupts my thoughts. Snapping my eyes open, I see Grissom standing in front of me.

"There you are. We got worried when you didn't come back." He says looking down at me with compassion in his eyes. Crouching down in front of me he asks. "How are you doing?" If it wasn't for the concern in his eyes I could happily slap him around the head.

"What am I going to do, Gil?" I ask in a whisper. "I don't know what to do anymore." I wail, throwing myself into his arms. I grasp hold of him as though he was the only thing that was keeping me afloat in a sea of choppy emotions. I can feel Gil awkwardly stroking my back, waiting patiently waiting for me to feel better enough to let him go. As my tears subside I feel him wrap his arms around me tightly, surprising me, as he raises us both from the floor.

"Do you and Lindsay want to stay with me for a couple of days?" I hear him ask softly. "We can give the nurses' station my home number and they can contact you there when the time comes to......." He pauses and I turn to look at him. I know what he means, what he doesn't want to say. Shaking my head, I decline his offer.

"No thanks, Gil, but I think it'll probably be best for Lindsay and me to be at home just now." I tell him.

I hold his gaze as best as I can. I don't want him to try to make any decisions for us. I just want to go home with Lindsay and be closer to Sara. Her stuff is still in my spare room. Finally Gil nods, as though he is satisfied with my decision. I'm a little bit pissed off with him now. I don't need his permission to go home with my daughter to be closer to my...... What was Sara to me? My friend? My girlfriend? Or just someone I was in love with? I guess now I'll never truly know.

"We'll all......" He starts but I cut him off before he can go any further.

"No, Gil, I want it to be just me and Lindsay." I tell him determined to get my own way.

"That's fine." He chuckles, much to my surprise. "I _was_ going to say that we'll all be happy to help you both out in any way we can. If you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to watch Lindsay so you can have sometime to yourself or even the dreaded grocery shop. One of us will happily be there to help, ok?" He says looking deeply into my eyes.

Staring into his eyes I can see pain, pain that he's trying to keep from the surface. I tear my eyes away from his and look at the wall over his shoulder. I don't want to deal with his pain too. That would mean that I acknowledge how he felt about Sara. It might be selfish but I'm not ready to do that. Not yet. If I have my own way I'll never have to deal with it.

"Thanks Gil." I rest my head on his shoulder and take strength from the fact that he's not going to try and pull rank and argue with me over this.

"Let's go get Lindsay and get you both home, ok." He says as he guides me through the hospital and out the doors to his car.


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: CSI and it's characters are not mine and will never be.**

**A.N.: Be warned there is a _lot_ of angst. There is character death(don't hate me, i don't believe in happy ever after).**

**A.N.: I'm taking time to say a great big thanks to Sofrost. I know i've said it before, but without yo this would have died a death two years ago :) Thank you so much.**

* * *

**Chapter 13**

**Catherine's POV**

From somewhere in the fog that surrounds me, I hear a phone ringing in the distance. I know that I should try to answer it before it wakes Lindsay. The both of us have had a hard time sleeping recently. That's why we've both taken to sleeping on the pull out couch in the lounge. We only go upstairs when we really have too now. Both our rooms are far too close to Sara's room. When I shower it's almost over before it's begun and most of my clothes have migrated downstairs. Neither of us use our rooms anymore, I don't know how it started, or which one of us started it, but we avoid being upstairs for too long.

The ringing intensifies as the fog starts to lift. Blindly I reach out and grasp for the receiver.

"Hello?" I rasp into it.

"Cath? It's Gil."

"What can I do for you? You've kinda woken me up." I tell him sharply.

"You asked me to call, Cath. You wanted me to make sure that you woke up with enough time for you and Lindsay to get ready. You said that you were having difficulty sleeping, remember?" He says quietly, his voice choked with emotion.

Even with my brain addled by sleep I remember why. Why Lindsay and I are sleeping on the pull out, why my heart aches, why eyes throb from too much crying and lack of sleep and why his voice is awash with unshed tears.

"Sara's funeral is today." I say more to myself than to him. I knew today was happening. Ever since I got the call asking me to make arrangements for her body to be picked up, I knew today would happen. It was me who made all the arrangements. I picked out the funeral home. I picked out the faux mahogany environmentally friendly casket. I picked out the songs and asked who wanted to who wanted to speak. I scoured through the phone book for the caterers for the wake. I decided to have it in my home, the last place Sara was happy. I sat my little girl down and told her that the next time Sara would come home it would be in a brass urn. I explained the cremation process to her. I held her and wiped away her tears. As I think about it, I realise that Gil actually made this day happen. The day his SUV collided with the cab Sara was travelling back home to us in, made today happen.

"Yes, it's today." Lost in my thoughts I forgot I was holding the phone and he was on the other end.

"Shit." I curse lightly as I drop the phone in fright. Picking it up I hold it to my ear again. "Thanks Gil. I'm awake now. We'll see you later." I tell him briskly, pressing the end call button on the phone instantly.

I know I can't blame him for killing the woman I love. It was an accident, I keep telling myself. But it was his SUV that slammed into the side of her cab. _It was an accident._ It's all because of him that my heart feels as though it's being crushed. _It was an accident._ My best friend killed the woman I love. _It was an accident. _If I let myself hate him like I would someone else I would lose another person. And so would Lindsay. Each time I speak to him, I have to keep reminding myself that it was an accident. That it was just a coincidence that he was in the same area as Sara. IT. WAS. JUST. A. COINCIDENCE.

Placing the handset back on the cradle I lie back and look at Lindsay, my heart breaks for her. In her short life she's been through so much. She's already lost her dad and now she's lost Sara, someone she thought of as another parent; someone she had placed her trust in; someone she felt comfortable enough to let into her heart. I gently stroke her head, frown lines appear on her forehead. I run my thumb over them, trying to erase them. Hoping I can chase away whatever is putting them there. Tears sting my eyes as she starts to call out in her sleep for me. Unable to hear her in such distress any more, I decide to wake her up.

"Lindsay, baby, it's time to wake up." I tell her softly, running my fingers through her hair. She stirs slightly but remains in the realms of sleep.

"No, mommy, make them stop!" Her cries wrench my heart in two.

"Wake up, baby, and they'll stop. I promise they'll stop." I tell her trying to keep calm. I hate that she's hurting and there's not a damn thing I can do to stop it. Finally she opens her eyes and looks around her wildly. When they finally settle on me I give her a smile. "Hey, baby. That was some nightmare, huh? Wanna talk about it?" I ask. Fresh tears spring to her eyes and she bites her bottom lip as she nods her head.

"Ok, come here and tell me all about it."

I lie back and open my arms to her. She hesitates slightly before lowering her head on my shoulder and clutching the fabric of my t-shirt in a tight fist as though she's scared I'm going to suddenly disappear.

"So, what was your nightmare about?" I prompt her. I can feel her take a deep shuddering breath as she begins to recount her nightmare.

"We were at the park, you, me and Sara. We had a picnic, played games, you know the sort of stuff that we usually do." She whispers. "We were having fun. It was a good day. The sun was really warm and even feed the birds with our crumbs."

"That sounds really nice, Honey." I tell her, giving her an encouraging squeeze.

"Yeah it was." She whispers wistfully. "It'll never happen though, will it?" She asks looking me square in the eye. I don't know if the look in her eyes is her begging me to lie to her. Even though the truth hurts like fresh gaping wounds in both our hearts, I don't want to start lying to her.

"No, sweetheart, it won't." A fresh batch of tears cascade over her cheeks. I scoop her up so she is lying on top of me, like she used to do when she was a lot smaller. Stroking her hair I whisper nonsense words to her. I tell her to let her tears out, not to hold them back. I tell her that she'll feel better after a good cry. I feel like a hypocrite as I fight back my own tears, preferring to concentrate on Lindsay for the moment.

After a while her tears subside and I feel her little body shake as she hiccups. Eventually the hiccups subside and her breathing returns to normal. I start to think that she's fallen back to sleep. I move to wake her again but she surprises me by talking again.

"They took her." She says quietly. If it wasn't for the fact I felt her breath on my neck I would have thought I had imagined it.

"Who took her?" I question.

"Men."

"Ok, did you see what the men looked like?" I press gently. The investigator in me is fighting hard to dominate the mother in me, but I still have to tread gently. This was only a nightmare but they can still be traumatic. She starts to shake her head but it quickly turns to a nod. "Ok, so what did they look like?"

She lifts her head again and looks me straight in the eye. I can tell she's scared to tell me. Her eyes are so wide I'm scared they might fall out. I know it's not physically possible but it's always been a thought that has worried at the back of my mind. She bites at her lip a little longer before taking a deep breath.

"They looked like......"

"Go on baby." I urge. Suddenly need to know what the bogey man who were terrorising her look like.

"Uncle Gil." She wails, her head falling back on my shoulder.

Gil?! She was dreaming about Gil taking Sara away from us.

"There was more than one of him. One kept pushing my swing higher and higher so I couldn't get off. I kept screaming at him to stop but he wouldn't, he kept pushing and laughing. Two more 'Uncle Gils' were holding you back. You kept fighting them and shouting to be let go of and for them to let Sara and me go but they wouldn't. Two more 'Uncle Gil's' had a hold of Sara and they were dragging her away to a black van. She kept fighting, just like you, but one of them hit her _really_ hard on the side of the head and she stopped fighting. She just sort of flopped like a rag doll. She looked dead. Blood was running down the side of her face. Then the other one threw Sara over his shoulder. Her body was all floppy and kept banging against his. I saw her blood drop to the ground. I knew he had killed her, just like in real life." Her last words shock me _'like in real life.'_

"But, Baby, Uncle Gil didn't kill Sara. She died because of a car accident." I tell her. I haven't told her that Gil was involved too. I didn't want her hating him or blaming him like I do for taking Sara away from us.

"I know." She cries. "But it's like Uncle Gil taking her away in my dream. It's him who takes her away from us. Why did he do that? She wanted to stay with us. She didn't want to go with him."

"I don't know." I tell her. I honestly don't what else to say to her. If I tell her the truth she could end up hating Gil and essentially lose another person from her life. If I tell her a lie, I'm putting something between us. "Tell you what, let me think about it. I'll try and piece together what it all means. How does that sound?" I ask, hoping that she'll agree and I can try to work out how to tell her everything without painting Gil as the bad guy.

"Ok." She mumbles into my shoulder with a slight nod of her head.

"Ok." I mirror her words as I gently stroke her back. "Do you still want to come today baby? Nobody would think anything or say anything if you just wanted to go to Aunt Nancy's."

"No, I want to be there. I went to dad's funeral and I was a lot younger then." She says, sounding more mature than her years.

"I know, but it's a lot different to your dad's funeral. Your dad was buried. Sara wanted cremated. It's a different process." I really don't know if I'm doing the right thing. A cremation is traumatic enough on an adult, what will it be like for a child to witness?

"I know, but I still want to be there." She says stubbornly. I know I won't be able to change her mind. I'll just have to be strong enough for the both of us.

"Ok, well we better get ready then. The car will be here in an hour to pick us up." Carefully she climbs off me and heads up the stairs. Watching her go I'm struck with how much she's dealt with in such a short time. Slowly getting off the couch I hesitantly follow her upstairs, hoping I'll be able to stop myself from going into the guest bedroom, Sara's room.

* * *


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: CSI and it's characters are not mine and will never be. There are some references to old episodes but i can't remember the name of it. Sorry,**

**A.N.: Be warned there is a _lot_ of angst. There is character death(don't hate me, i don't believe in happy ever after).**

**A.N.: I'm taking time to say a great big thanks to Sofrost. I know i've said it before, but without yo this would have died a death two years ago :) Thank you so much.****Chapter 14**

* * *

**Catherine's POV**

Looking around the room I'm surprised by the amount of people that have come. Of course the boys came, Doc Robbins, Jim and David. Some of the day shift and swing shift managed to come to pay their respects. Even Ecklie came, standing alone in the corner of the room. I'm not surprised he's stood alone. It was common knowledge the way he treated Sara. As I continue to watch him, he raises his eyes from inspecting his glass and ours meet. He gives me a sad smile and a slight nod of his head. Stunned I return his nod and he immediately breaks our link and goes back to studying his glass.

"Excuse me, Catherine?" A voice says from behind me.

"Yes?" I turn to face a harassed looking woman with a young familiar looking girl by her side.

"I'm sorry to bother you, but Mr. Grissom told me that it was you who arranged everything today?" She questions.

"Erm, yeah, I did. Why?" I question. Drawing myself up to my full height as I get ready to defend my decisions. When I think someone might be questioning the decisions I make concerning my loved ones, I tend to go on the defensive.

"There's no real reason. I just wanted to introduce myself and Brenda, here. I also wanted to make sure that you didn't mind if we came to pay our respects."

"Oh." Is all I can say as I look at the young girl at her side? She does look very familiar; I just don't remember where I know her from.

"My name is Wilma Finlay, I'm a social worker, and this is Brenda Collins. Sara was one of the CSI's assigned to her case. In fact I think most of the CSI's in the room worked her case, it was such a high profile one." She says looking around us.

As soon as she said the girl's name, I knew her. I remembered her. Sara was asked to escort the girl to the hospital while she was being examined. I remember how nervous Sara was about being left alone with her. I still giggle when I think about Sara telling us she had left the girl in the car with the window cracked a bit for air to get in. She said it with such a straight face that we all actually believed her. In fact, it wasn't until Sara smiled and told us that the child was actually at the hospital and that she was just leaving to collect her that we all relaxed and joined in on the joke.

"Sara kept in contact with Brenda. We were both shocked to find out that she had died. Brenda wanted to come, to pay her respects. I hope you don't mind." Wilma says snapping me out of my memories.

"No, it's fine." I tell her. "I didn't know that Sara kept in contact with you." I say to Brenda. Sara keeping in touch with victims is just another thing I didn't know about her, that I didn't get a chance to find out.

"Yes, Sara wanted to make sure that she was ok. She was some stability in her life. No matter where she was placed, Sara would always be there for her." Wilma answers.

"That was Sara." I say stupidly, unable to think of anything else to say. I look around the sea of faces trying to locate someone I know. Talking to Wilma make me want to kick myself for the amount of time I wasted arguing with Sara and pushing her away when I should have been getting to know her and pulling her in closer.

I feel a hand on my arm, startling me out of my inspection of the crowd. My eyes follow the slender, fine boned wrist up to the elbow, shoulder, and finally the pinched, drawn face of Brenda Collins. Too shocked to say anything, I stare into her eyes. Eyes that have seen too much badness in such a short time.

"Are you Lindsay's mum?" She asks so quietly, it's hard to hear her in the noise of the room. I crouch down so I am eye level with her and take her hand.

"Yes, I am. Do you know Lindsay?"

"No, I've never met her but Sara talks, talked about her to me. She also talked about you. You're prettier than she said you were." She says in the same quiet voice.

"Thank you." I say as tears nip at my eyes and a blush creeps over my cheeks. Brenda cants her head to the side and looks at me sceptically.

"Sara said that whenever she heard 'bling' she thought of you and she had to laugh. Why was that?" She asks curiously.

I know Brenda doesn't know about Holly or what brought Sara to Vegas but my heart feels torn being reminded of one of the few times that Sara and I enjoyed a laugh together. After I had hung up from the cowardly bastard who had killed Holly, Sara looked and me and asked what 'bling-bling' was. I answered honestly that I had no idea. The both of us shared a rare brief laugh together.

"Why?" Brenda asks again, breaking into my memories.

"Sorry? 'Why' what?" I ask, genuinely confused. I seem to have lost track of the conversation.

"Why did 'bling' make Sara think of you and laugh?"

"Oh, right. It was the first case we worked on together when Sara first came to Vegas. We had found a pager at the crime at a crime scene and got a lead on suspect because of it. When we managed to contact him, I spoke to him like I was a rapper. 'Bling-bling' was something I said to him. When ii had hung up Sara asked what 'bling-bling' was, I just told her that I had no idea and I had just winged it to get the guy." I tell her fondly.

"Did it work?"

"Yeah it did. We caught the bad guy and put him in jail." I tell her proudly. I know pride is one of the seven deadly sins but I feel it every time we got justice for the victims.

"Mum?"

"Yea......."

"Are you Lindsay?" Brenda asks before I have a proper chance to introduce them.

"Yeah, I am." She asks eyeing Brenda and Wilma suspiciously. I can tell be the tone of her voice she wasn't to ask 'and what of it?' Instead she asks. "Who are you?" Lindsay might be intimidated by Brenda but she won't let her know that.

"Oh, sorry, I'm Brenda Collins and this is Wilma Finlay. We were friends of Sara's. She used to talk about you." Brenda explains.

"Brenda?" Lindsay questions as she stares at her. "Sara told me about you too. She told me that she thought we would be good friends but she wanted to speak to my mum first before we met." Brenda nods her head vigorously to show Sara told her the same thing.

Both girls turn to look at me expectantly. I know they want to share stories about their time with Sara. If Sara wanted the girls to meet she must have thought they would be good for each other. I nod my head and both girls waste no more time and run off to find a quiet corner together. A look of worry must have passed over my face.

"Don't worry; I'll keep an eye on the girls, if you want?" Wilma offers.

"Thanks." I smile.

"No problem." She says as she turns on her heel to follow the girls. As I watch Wilma walking to the girls I wonder why Sara wanted them to meet. Brenda lost all of her family to her sister and her sister's boyfriend, well her mother and her mother's boyfriend as it turned out in the end. Lindsay only lost her dad. The only link they both share is that the deaths were violent. Had Sara been planning to introduce the girls so they'd have each other after she was gone? I guess I'll never know.

"Miss Willows?" A young woman asks gaining my attention. "We are ready to begin." I check my watch not believing that it's time for the final goodbye. I nod my head to show that I understand. She nods her head towards the other end of the room. When I turn I see two other employees close over Sara's casket and start to push it through to the other room.

Watching people file through behind, I want to run. I was to get away from here as fast as possible. I want to go somewhere where no one knows me and I can pretend that this is all a bad dream. I can pretend that Sara is still alive, that she's alive and happy somewhere. Somewhere beautiful where she is happy, living life to the full without her demons chasing her.

I feel Lindsay's hand slip into mine and I'm reminded of why I can't run away, why it's not possible. I'm reminded of why I have to stay here. Looking down at her, she gives me a sad smile. I can see her pain, written clearly on her face. I know that she's trying to be brave. She's trying to be brave for me and for Sara. As I return her smile I feel another hand take hold of my left hand. I turn my head and looked down into the worried face of Brenda. The poor girl looks scared, like she's did something wrong. She starts to pull her hand away from mine but I hold on tight, not letting her go.

"Brenda, can you do me a favour?" I ask.

"Yeah, what is it?" She asks worried.

"Would you sit with me and Lindsay at the front? I think Sara would have liked it." I tell her. "I would like it too." I tell her with sincerity.

"Ok." She whispers as we all head into the crematorium together.


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: CSI and it's characters are not mine and will never be.**

**A.N.: Be warned there is a _lot_ of angst. There is character death(don't hate me, i don't believe in happy ever after).**

**A.N.: I'm taking time to say a great big thanks to Sofrost. I know i've said it before, but without yo this would have died a death two years ago :) Thank you so much.**

**Chapter 15**

**Catherine's POV**

Soft music flows from invisible speakers as we enter the room. Lindsay, Brenda and I are the last one in and I feel all eyes turn to watch us as we make our way to the front pew. I put my arms around both girls and pull them towards me in a protective gesture. The thought of people staring at me doesn't really faze me anymore, I kind of got used to it back in the old days, but the girls shouldn't have to deal with it. Not now, not when they are grieving.

Turning to face the front of the room I stop in my tracks. A picture of Sara with her eyes sparkling with laughter and a small smirk on her lips. I remember the when the picture was taken, in fact I took the picture. It was Lindsay's last birthday and somehow Sara had got roped into a water fight with Lindsay and her friends. Lindsay had been chasing Sara and she had just emptied her water canon all over Sara. Sara turned to soak Lindsay but as she turned Lindsay had slipped on the wet grass. After Lindsay had gotten over her shock she started to laugh and Sara joined in. That's when I grabbed my camera and snap the scene. First Sara and then Lindsay sprawled on the ground holding her sides. Thinking about it now, I must have known back then my feelings for her; why else would I have taken the picture?

Lindsay pulls me forward towards the pew and out of my memories. Looking down at her I can see that she remembers the day that photo was taken as much as I do.

"Happy days, Little One" I say to her sadly as I allow her to pull me forward.

Taking my seat I see Gil get up behind the pulpit. He puts on his glasses and pulls a sheet of paper from his pocket. He goes over it briefly before looking up. Clearing his throat he begins nervously.

"Ahem, I'm sure most of you know that I'm more used to making speeches about entomology rather than eulogies. Especially for someone who has come to mean a great deal to us all. I've known Sara for, oh, so many years. I remember her as an enthusiastic student. She practically accosted me after the lecture and shot, what felt like a thousand questions at me. Since that day we have been firm friends. Most of us here who knew and loved Sara, will know how, uh, stubborn Sara could be when she got a bee in her bonnet about something." A ripple of laughter runs through the hall as people remember their own experiences of a stubborn Sara.

"She was also the most self critical amongst us. She hid her lack of self confidence behind a shield of, well, of confidence. She would act as though what people said to and about her didn't faze her, but if you took a moment to look into her eyes you would see the scars that ran deep. Sara herself said that she was not good with interacting with people, they confused her. She tried to be more of a 'people' person. It was a skill she admired in others but never felt she quite mastered herself.

I remember a conversation I had with her once, when Nicky, Nick, was kidnapped. It was actually shortly after we got him back, she had wondered if Nick knew how much she cared, how much she loved him. She felt he was almost like a brother to her, her feelings for him was that powerful. She told me at the time that she loved the whole team, even Greg. To her, he was the annoying little brother of, what she had come to see as her family. I don't know if many of you know, Sara didn't come from a 'conventional' family. Her upbringing wasn't exactly the best. Sara got to where she was by sheer hard graft and dogged determination. So I think for her, finally finding a family her in Vegas meant a lot to her.

After that conversation, Sara came to me with a request. A request that I said yes to because I never thought this day would arrive. She asked me to make sure the following poem was read. She felt it best explained how she felt. How much she loved and cared for everyone in her 'family.' She told me that I might think it was a morbid thing to ask but she wanted to make sure that we knew how she felt." Gil pauses and clears his throat again. I watch him in amazement as I wonder how he has managed to make it this far without breaking down. Tears were rolling over my cheeks as soon as he said her name.

"The poem is called 'I Am Always With You.' Unfortunately Sara was unable to locate the name of the author, as was I.

_'When I am gone, release me, and let me go._

_I have so many things to see and do, you mustn't tie yourself to me with too many tears, but be thankful we had so many good years._

_I gave you my love, and you can only guess how much you've given me in happiness._

_I thank you for the love that you have shown, but now it is time I travelled on alone._

_So grieve for me a while, if grieve you must then let your grief be comforted by trust that it is only for a while that we must part, so treasure the memories within your heart._

_I won't be far away for life goes on._

_And if you need me, call and I will come._

_Though you can't see or touch me, I will be near and if you listen with your heart, you'll hear all my love around you soft and clear._

_And then, when you come this way alone, I'll greet you with a smile and a 'Welcome Home.'"_

Gil bows his head as he finishes the poem. He raises his hand to his eyes and his shoulders shake. I'm torn between staying with Lindsay and going to him. Thankfully the decision is taken out of my hands. Greg leaps from his seat as though he had been electrified and is by Gil's side in a second. He wraps an arm around his mentor's shoulders. He turns to address the congregation.

"Hi, um, I'm Greg. The 'annoying little brother.' Thanks a lot Sara." He says looking at her picture with a sad, cheeky grin. "I couldn't be the 'fit little brother' could I?" He laughs. "I, erm, I just wanted to fill in some of the blanks that the Bugman here left out." He tells us. "Those of us who knew Sara, those that mattered, anyway, knew that Sara kept her feelings close to her chest. You never really knew whether or not she liked you until you got one of her rare but dazzling smiles." He says with tears rolling down his face. "Obviously, she liked me. I got one of those smiles on a daily basis. In fact I think some days I got two." He tries to act cocky, but I can see he's trying hard to keep his composure.

"Anyway, the reason I'm up here is to tell you all a secret that Sara had. One that she promised me to keep until the people involved was told. I now know that they know, if that makes sense." He pauses to think over his last words but shakes his head. "It doesn't matter, what does matter is that I'm now letting you all in on the secret. Sara was in love with Catherine, and if I'm right Catherine was in love with Sara?" He asks looking over to me. I nod my head to confirm. Although it's not really necessary all the important people know how we felt about each other before she died.

"Yup, love was all around. Sara used to talk about the times that 'Cath said this' or 'Cath did that.' Honestly, Catherine, I love you, you know I do but there are only so many times I can hear about you ripping a lowly lab tech a new one." He laughs. "She was smitten. And Lindsay, you have no idea how much Sara loved you too. Her days out with you were something she looked forward too. I bet she was worse than you when you were due to go out. She used to get really hyper and bounce about. If people seen her like that, they would have got her tested for drugs or something, it was something to see." I laugh along with him as I picture Sara bouncing off the walls with excitement the same way Lindsay used to do whenever Sara was due to pick her up. "Sorry I got off track there. My point is, Sara was in love. She was happy and in love for the first time in, well, in her life. And that was thanks to Catherine and Lindsay."

Greg's words warm my heart. Knowing that we made Sara happy in some small way has made me a little bit happy. Not as happy as I would be if she walked in through the door.

"Well, I think that's me finished. Does anyone else have anything else to say?" Greg asks looking around the room. I feel Lindsay and Brenda slide off the pew and watch in shock as they walk hand in hand to the front of the room. Gil and Greg both crouch down and give the girls a cuddle. I see Lindsay nod her head in answer to a question that Gil has asked and Brenda does the same thing when he turns to look at her. He smiles and gives them both another cuddle then stand and leaves them. Breathing becomes hard as I feel as though my heart has migrated north in my chest and lodged in my throat as I watch the two young girls stand there, looking nervous and unsure.

Once the information seeps slowly into my brain that it's my little girl standing up there I force myself to move. Leaving my seat as though it was electrified I propel myself forward until I am kneeling in front of Lindsay and Brenda.

"You don't have to do this." I tell them, taking a hand of each girl. "No one expects you to come up here and say anything."

"I know Mrs. Willows, but..." Brenda starts to say before Lindsay cuts her off.

"You never asked me, mummy. You asked everyone else, but you didn't ask me, if I wanted to say anything about Sara." She says. I know from experience that she's not going to move. She has a look in her eyes that I know means she won't be moving. Whenever she looks at me like that I feel sorry for my own mother, I've been told she gets it from me. "Plus, I think someone from Sara's 'proper' family should speak. That's where Brenda and I come in." She says with a smile, once again surprising me with how mature she can be. Looking at both girls I know I'm fighting a losing battle. They won't be moved until they have their say.

"Ok, do you want me to stay with you?" I ask, resigning myself to the fact that they'll do this with or without my support.

"No, thank you. We'll be fine." Brenda says, lifting their joined hands, showing me that they are drawing support from each other. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. They have more than one thing in common now, their love for Sara and their grief at losing her. With a nod of my head I stand and move back to my seat on the front pew. When Lindsay sees that I've sat back down she nods her head and tightens her grip on Brenda's hand which she returns.

"Um, hi, I'm Lindsay Willows."

"And I'm Brenda Collins."

"We wanted to tell you about the Sara Sidle we knew and how she helped us. Do you want to go first?" Lindsay asks turning to look at Brenda, she nods her head. I start to worry for her as I see that all the blood has drained from her face and she has started to shake. I think about ending it as Brenda stares out at the faces starting back at her. Her arms finally latch onto mine and I give her a gentle smile and nod my head, mentally trying to tell her that it's ok, no matter what she decides. It seems to have done the trick, keeping her eyes on mine; she takes a deep breath and begins to talk.

"I met Sara when most of my family was murdered. I was so scared, I couldn't talk, but Sara was really good. She held my hand all the way to the hospital. When we got there she explained everything to me. When she had to use her 'special' camera, she explained that it was to look at my muscles. I think she knew that it scared me because she told me that it wouldn't hurt and just to prove it wouldn't, she took a picture of her own arm. When the doctor came in to look at me, Sara explained everything. Sometimes, when the doctor hurt me, she would stroke my head and she would talk to me about the things she liked, just to take my mind off what was happening." Brenda pauses and I can see tears escape from her eyes and roll down her cheeks.

I feel tears sting my eyes in sympathy for this poor girl that has been through so much. Lindsay wraps her arm around Brenda's thin shoulder and rests her head atop of hers. I see her whisper something into Brenda's ear, but from where I am sitting I don't know what she said. Whatever Lindsay said, Brenda shakes her head in response and wipes her face dry. After another deep breath she continues speaking.

"Sara was there for me when I thought I had lost everything. She helped me see the light at the other end of the darkness I was in. When I went into care, Sara would come and visit me. She would come by once a week. She gave me something to look forward too. Last month she told me something. Well, she asked me something and I said yes. She asked if it would be alright with me if she applied to adopt me." Gasps fill the room and I turn to look at the guys, they look as shock as I am. Obviously it was a decision that Sara came to on her own. Turning I catch Ms. Finlay staring at me, I raise my eyebrow in silent question and she nods her head.

"But they wouldn't let me stay with her. Somebody I have never met thought it would be better that I stay in a care home rather than with Sara. I was so upset that I cried. Sara was crying too. Wilma, my social worker, told me how much Sara wanted to adopt me. She said that Sara was going to change her job and move to a bigger house. She had already been looking for them. Wilma said that it was some judge who said I had to stay where I was. He had said that Sara was an unsuitable role model. But he didn't know Sara, did he? He never knew how funny and kind and caring and loving Sara could be. He didn't know how happy I was when she came to visit or how much Sara loved me or how much I loved her. Now.....now Sara is dead and I'm left on my own." When she finishes, she buries her face in her hands and starts to sob. Before I can even think of going over to comfort the girl, Lindsay has both her arms wrapped around her.

"You can have me and my mum if you want." I hear Lindsay say. "Can't she mum?" Lindsay asks, looking at me over Brenda's shoulder. Without turning around I can feel everybody's eyes on me and I've never felt so uncomfortable.

"Of course she can." I answer honestly. "That's if she wants us too." I throw in, trying to break the tension with a little humour.

Any child that Sara cared enough about to change her life for is more than welcome in our lives. I'm sorry to say that I'm still shocked that she was prepared to change her whole life for one child. It really shouldn't surprise me. Once I allowed myself to get over my animosity towards her I could see how caring and loving she could be.

"Do you want to go and sit with my mum?" Lindsay asks Brenda.

"No, I'm alright now. I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it." Lindsay smiles. "We're allowed to cry when we need to." My heart swells at her words. Lindsay gives Brenda one more tight hug before turning to face everybody again.

"Hi, I'm Lindsay. Um, well I know Sara because of her job too. But in a different way to Brenda. I didn't need Sara's help until ages first after I met her. Sara worked with my mum and my Uncles. The first time I met her she was really shy. I don't think she knew how to talk to kids, but she didn't really need to talk. All she had to do was answer my questions. And she did. No matter how silly she thought the question was, she always answered it. She wasn't like any adult I had ever met before. Whenever I needed her help she was there. Especially when I needed her as a CSI. Sara tried to catch the guy who killed my dad and nearly killed me. But she couldn't. There wasn't enough evidence. Instead she became my friend. Not just the substitute teacher whenever I needed help with my homework.

We would hang out and talk. Sometimes she would pick me up from school and we'd go for a picnic. I used to love that. Everybody thought Sara was _so _cool. She would stand outside and lean against her car with her sunglasses on, looking really cool. Even my teachers asked who she was." As Lindsay smiles at the memory, I can't help wonder if the teachers were more worried about Sara's appearance rather than being in awe of it.

"I got fantastic news when I got home from Disney land, Sara was at my house. Mum said that she was poorly and she was going to stay with us for a little while until she got better. I thought that would be great. It would be like a sleep over. It got even better. On her way to the doctor, Sara spilled the beans about her and my mum. Sara wanted to date my mum and she wanted to make sure that I was ok with it. I never got a chance to tell her that I was. I was so shocked that I couldn't even speak. Sara had to go or she would have been late for her appointment. I never got a chance to tell her that I've been dreaming about her being my other mum.

I used to dream about going to the beach and going on picnics with Sara and my mum, but in my dreams I never called her Sara, I always called her mama. But since she died, all my dreams have been about men taking her away from us." She says her voice shaking and her eyes welling with tears threatening to fall. I silently beg her not to revel who the men are. Looking at Gil I don't think he could take it if he knew Lindsay was having nightmares about him being the one to take Sara from us.

Before she gets a chance to continue, Greg is out of his seat and kneeling in front of her, enveloping her in a tight cuddle. I don't think I've ever been more grateful for his tenderness as I am now. I know he doesn't know it, but he's managed to save Gil's feelings as well as comforting Lindsay. I watch helplessly as he scoops Lindsay into his arms and offers his other hand to Brenda. Standing to face the congregation, I see tears mark out tracks down his face.

"As you can see, Sara has touched these two lives, as she did with everyone she met. She was loved immensely and she will be greatly missed." He shuts his eyes and takes a deep breath and turns to look at the girls. "Can I ask you both a huge favour?" He asks them, when they nod he gives them a sad smile and says. "Would you both mind keeping me company for the rest of the day?" Brenda and Lindsay nod their heads. "Ok, let's go sit down beside Catherine."

As soon as the trio reach me, Lindsay wriggles out of Greg's arms and immediately crawls onto my lap. I wrap one arm around her and extend my other arm for Brenda to cuddle into my side. With my arms around both girls I look over Brenda's head to Greg.

"Thanks, Greggo." I smile.

"No problems, Cath. It hurt me too much to see them so sad." He whispers back.

My attention is once again directed to the front of the room, as an orderly stands behind the pulpit. Having had everything explained to me when I was making the arrangements I know what's going to happen now. The orderly will call everyone's attention to the front of the room, say a few words and push a button sending the casket with Sara's body into the furnace which can reach to temperatures of 1800 °F cremating the majority of her body into nothing but dried bones that will later be pulverised into the texture that most associate with the ashes of their loved ones. Call me anal but I had to know everything that would happen to her. In death I still had to know what was going to happen to her body.

"Ladies and gentlemen if I could have your attention, please. We have been gathered here today by the tragic loss of a woman I have learned to be an amazing person. I have never met Sara, but after hearing your accounts of her, I wish I did. She was a remarkable woman who has touched so many lives deeply. Even if I hadn't heard a single word about her, the amount of people who have come today to pay their respects shows how loved and respected she was." As he speaks, I feel Lindsay and Brenda hold on tighter to me and their tears soaking through my top. I can feel tears work their way from my eyes and down my face. As much as I want to, I know I can't stop them. The time has come for me to stop being strong for everyone else and grieve for the woman I had only recently learned loved me as much as I love her.

Slowly the casket slides forward, I know that this is the last we'll be in the same room together. From somewhere above the sound of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata fills the room. I know I requested this song to be played, but I never expected it to have such an effect on me. I feel as though my heart is breaking all over again. I feel as though she is being taken from me, from us all over again.

"Oh god, Sara!" I cry out, unable to stop myself. I feel arms tighten around me from behind not caring who it is but knowing it'll probably be one of the boys, I grab hold of them. I feel as though I'm drowning. I feel as though someone has sucked the air out of the room. Tears blur my view of the casket before a curtain comes down and hides it from view. I still stare after it as though I can see it, see her. I can sense people leaving but I continue to sit and hold onto the girls. I see Gil kneel down in front of me. Tears streak down his face too.

"She's gone for good, Gil." I whisper hoarsely around the lump that has firmly lodged itself in my throat. He doesn't speak, just nods his head in confirmation. "I've lost her forever. Do you think she knew how much I loved her? Do you think she really loved me?" I ask him; looking back at the place I had last seen her casket.

"Yes, she did." He finally says. "She knew you loved her and she loved you back. She told me herself." He clears his throat as I turn to look at him. "Long before she knew, I think, deep down I knew too. I could see it in her eyes, Cath. She was in love with you long before she ever realised it herself." He says quietly. I can only look at him in surprise. A question pops into my head and before I can stop myself I ask him.

"What about me, Gil? Could you see it too?"

"Yes." He admits quietly.

"Why didn't you ever say anything? You could have stopped all of this."

"It's not my place to interfere in the lives of my staff, Cath. You know that. As long as it wasn't effecting you work, I have no right to interfere." He says hesitantly.

"That's bull, Gil, and you know it. You've interfered before." I say angrily. I throw off the arms that are still wrapped around me. Standing, I turn to face Nick and Warrick. Both their faces are awash with tears. Nick's arms are resting on the back of the pew where I was sitting. I'm actually not surprised that he was the one holding me.

"Thanks guys, for everything." I tell them reaching over to give them both a kiss on the cheek. "Greg." He lifts his eyes from the floor to meet mine. "Thank you for taking care of my girls." I say before giving him a kiss on the cheek too. "You're all welcome to come back to my place for a few drinks."

"We'll be there, girl, don't you think you'll be getting rid of us that easily." Warrick says with a gentle smile as Nick and Greg nod their agreement. I smile at the three of them before holding my hands out the Lindsay and Brenda. Both of them stand and take a hand each and we head for the door. "Brenda, do you think Wilma will be ok with you staying over tonight?" I ask the young girl.

"I'm not sure, but I can ask her. If you're sure and it's ok with Lindsay." She says hesitantly.

"It's ok with me." Lindsay smiles sadly. "Come on, let's find Wilma and make her say yes." Both girls let go of my hand and walk ahead of me. As they reach the door Lindsay stops, she turns back and looks at the boys still sitting on the pews. "Uncle Grissom." She calls to get his attention. "Do you know who the men in my nightmare look like?" She asks in a calm voice.

"No, sweetheart, who do they look like?" He asks. Part of me desperately wants to stop Lindsay's next words but another part is happy that she's going to hurt him like he hurt us.

"They look like you. You're the one who takes Sara away in my nightmares." She says looking him straight in the eye. I can see his eyes widen in shock as her words hit their mark. He lets out a small 'Oh!' as though she had punched him in the guts. Lindsay just turns and leaves the room. I'm glad she never stayed around to see the tears raining down from his eyes. I find myself torn. Do I go and comfort the man that I once thought of as my best friend or do I walk away. In the end I decide to walk away. As much as I loved Gil, my love for Sara is deeper than anything I ever felt for him. Our friendship has taken a major blow and I don't think it will ever recover. My steps falter slightly as it sinks in that along with cremating the woman I love, I've also lost my best friend.

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	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: CSI and it's characters are not mine and will never be.**

**A.N.: Be warned there is a _lot_ of angst. There is character death(don't hate me, i don't believe in happy ever after). Final chapter.**

**A.N.: I'm taking time to say a great big thanks to Sofrost. I know i've said it before, but without yo this would have died a death two years ago :) Thank you so much.**

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**Chapter 16**

**Catherine's POV**

It's been six months since Sara died and so much has changed in my life. Well, so much has changed in _our _lives. Brenda is going to become a full member of our household. About a month after Sara's cremation Brenda was staying over for the weekend. Both girls were tucked up in bed, Lindsay in her room and Brenda in the spare room. The spare room had gradually become Brenda's room and she was staying over that weekend so we could decorate it the way she'd like.

As I was locking up to go to bed that night, Brenda came running down the stairs like she had the devil at her tail. I was nearly knocked off my feet by her barrelling into me. It took some time to calm her down; she'd had another nightmare about her dad. Since she began to sleep over on a regular basis, I found that she would occasionally have a nightmare about her dad chasing her. This night we sat on the sofa and talked through her nightmare, like we usually would. Once she was calm enough to sleep again I tucked her into bed. As I was turning off her light I heard her whisper, 'goodnight, Mom.' That night as I lay in bed thinking about the unrest Brenda must feel. By the time I was ready to sleep, I had come up with a plan. I was going to adopt Brenda, she felt like a daughter to me already. All I had to do was speak to Wilma, Lindsay and of course Brenda.

Thankfully, they were all in agreement. Brenda would benefit from being adopted by someone who could love her and give her a family. I spoke to Wilma about wanting to adopt Brenda. She was so happy that I had come to the decision myself. She was going to speak to me about it. She said that Brenda was a lot happier whenever she was going to be spending time with us. Next, I had to speak to Lindsay; I was more than a little apprehensive about it. She was an only child; she's never had to share me with another child except from Jeremy, on occasion. But she was really excited about having a sister, especially since that sister could be Brenda. I couldn't believe it when she started to jump up and down with excitement. Finally, I was able to speak to Brenda. I felt bad about leaving her out of the loop for so long, but I had to make sure that I would be allowed to adopt Brenda and that Lindsay would be ok with it too. One the day I asked her if she would like to become my daughter, I had made hers and Lindsay's favourite dinner. Somehow Lindsay and I made it through the main course without telling Brenda why this meal was so special. But by the time desert came around I couldn't hold it in anymore. I sat her hot apple pie and ice cream in front of her and just asked her if she would allow me to adopt her and make her a part of our family properly.

At first I thought I had made a mistake. She just sat at the table gawking at me as though I had grown a second head. I told her that it was just an idea and that it doesn't make any difference to how we feel about her and she would always be welcome with us. When tears made their way down her cheeks Lindsay and I were out of our seats and by her side trying to comfort her. It wasn't long before we were crying with her. She wanted to stay with us. She wanted to be a part of a proper family, a normal family. That night we celebrated, just the three of us. We agreed that we would have a party when the adoption papers were signed.

The next change in my life was work. The day I came back from compassionate leave I requested a move to day shift. I couldn't work with Gil anymore. All the trust I had for him was gone. There's no doubt that I still love him, he was my best friend for the better part of twenty years but what we had died when Sara did. Obviously the guys are gutted that I'm leaving the shift. I told them that it was better for Lindsay and Brenda if I was around more for them. We would have a better sort of life together. Working days I would have more regular hours, I would be there in the morning to send them to school and in the evening to give them their dinner and help with their homework. I would be there for the important things in their lives.

Working days means I won't see any of the guys or any of the lab techs. I know I might get lucky and I might run into them if they have to pull a double or if our cases cross but times like that are few and far between. I don't know who I'll miss the most. We had a dynamic. Each member of the team brought something to the table, and I'm not just talking about their specialities, but their personalities too. I guess the day Sara died the team was fractured. I'm not saying that we wouldn't have missed Sara, but we would have healed in time. Now I've left the team, it's broken. I don't want to sound big headed but I'm not sure if they would ever recover from that. Losing one team member is hard enough but trying to recover from that loss then having to deal with one transferring out is difficult. As much as I hate to leave the boys like this, I have to do it. I need to move on, for the girls' sake as well as my own.

When I got Sara's ashes back from the crematorium, I couldn't think what to do. I wanted to keep them, keep her, close but Lindsay and Brenda came up with a fantastic idea. Scatter Sara's ashes underneath a tree in the park that they go to play in. Along with the tree, they suggested a bench. Somewhere for me to sit and watch them play. At first I was speechless. I should have known my daughters would come up with such a magnificent idea. So that's what we did. When I spoke to the boys they were in agreement. A tree and a bench at the play park would be a great idea. Somewhere we could all hang out in the nice weather. Greg was really excited about the idea. All he could talk about was barbeques and touch football. Warrick and Nick were less...shall we say 'hyper' about the idea. They agreed that the girls and Greg were right. The tree and bench were a good idea and it would be a better place to have our get-togethers. I think they liked the idea of seeing Lindsay a bit more and getting to know Brenda.

It took some time to get it all together. We had to get permission to plant a tree and erect a bench, but finally it came through. We made arrangements to have the planting ceremony on a Saturday morning. Everyone who could come did. It couldn't have been any different from the cremation. The sky was blue with light fluffy clouds that lazily drifted across the sun. I scattered Sara's ashes over the roots of the tree before they were covered by soil. Little was said at the time. I think we each felt that we had shared our grief enough. Today was going to be a day for fun, a day for remembrance. Once the tree had been planted we had to wait for the bench to arrive. Greg thought it was a good time to have an impromptu picnic. He and the guys disappeared to get food. He said it was the duty of the men to procure food for the women, while striking poses and flexing his pretty much non-existent muscles. I've got to admit he was really funny, in typical Greg fashion; he managed to make me laugh.

At the picnic we all sat on the grass and ate takeout food, a lot of takeout food. It seems the boys couldn't agree on what to get so they each picked out their favourite foods from three different restaurants. It turned out to be a fun day. We talked about Sara, the good times that we all shared with her. The girls loved hearing about the silly things that she got up to and shared a few of their own stories also. Lindsay and Brenda enjoyed having their three uncles run around after them while I sat on the grass with Jim, Doc Robbins, David, some of the lab techs who could make it and Gil. I've got to admit. It was a little Strange sitting there with him. He tried to talk to me but I couldn't act like we were friends again. It was just too hard. Thankfully there were other people there. I could keep them between us; I could use them like a barrier between us.

Finally the bench arrived. It had one extra feature that I hadn't told anyone about. I asked for a small brass plague to be placed on it. It was perfect. It was simple and elegant just like Sara. I asked them if they would etch a small message on it. Once the plague was revealed everyone hung around the park for a little longer before they had to head off. Lindsay, Brenda and I stayed a little longer. The girls wanted to play on the swings on their own for a while and I wanted to sit with Sara. Watching the girls swing higher and higher on their swings my fingers found the words etched into the brass plague. I didn't have to look at them to know what they said; I would never have to look at them. As much as they're etched into the brass they are etched into my heart.

_**Time goes passes by so fast. You should grab hold of it and make the most of it.**_

_**Sara Sidle 1978-2009**_

_**Beloved friend, mother and lover.**_

_**Gone but never forgotten.**_

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**_The end._**

**_A.N.: Quote from 'Eastenders.' Dot Branning said it in one episode i was watching as i wrote this last chapter. It just seemed fitting._**

**_I'd like to thank everyone for reading_**

**_Freddie_**

**_xxxx_**


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